


You said We’re gonna be fine

by prinz_charlie



Category: We Are The Tigers - Allen
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Post-Canon, TW: Blood, TW: Homophobia, TW: Hospitals, TW: Nightmares, TW: Panic Attacks, TW: cursing, fighting inner demons together :), tw: alcohol, tw: angst, tw: physical abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-10
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-10-14 06:37:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 48,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20596352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prinz_charlie/pseuds/prinz_charlie
Summary: Kate keeps hearing her. She keeps talking to her. No matter how hard she tries, she just can't stop.Eva falls more and more into a spiral of problems, revolving around her famliy and money, not daring to speak of it.But somehow, they're going to be fine. Because one day they will admit, that something is wrong. And then they'll have each other. They will pull each other out of this ocean.orThe evolution of their relationship





	1. The nights are cold (The days are too)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the amazing song "Skype Tomorrow"
> 
> I love this musical. I love it.

When Kate woke up Eva was curled up into a little ball next to her, still holding her hand and sleeping peacefully. A smile made its way onto her face, seeing her girlfriend so at ease. She kissed her cheek before her hand slipped out of Eva’s and she got up and drowsily walked over to the desk right under her window, where her laptop was waiting for her to complete the assignment, she had left hours ago.

She focused on schoolwork much more now.

Eva made a grumbling noise when Kate opened her laptop, a picture of her favorite band greeting her, and rolled over, so she was facing the wall.

Kate opened the Explorer and, eyes half-closed, clicked through countless folders to get to the document. She had always hated them – they were too tidy, but she hadn’t had the heart to delete them yet.

She clicked the icon for what she thought was the document she needed to work on and got up, to put on her favorite flannel and close the window. It was that time of the year, where you would freeze at night but melt during the daytime.

She let her gaze wander through the room, coming to a halt at the sight of her girlfriend. Eva had come over to her house after practice, but when they lost track of time Kate had suggested, that Eva stayed over, who immediately agreed.

Kate loved falling asleep next to her, it gave her a sense of safety and belonging. And still, she was awake now, like she had been every week since… She shook her head. No, she wouldn’t think about it.

Her gaze dropped to the laptop screen again and she lazily began to read the first sentence, already thinking about how she would continue the essay.

_Hey!_

Kate frowned. What?

_This is weird but I’m going to do it anyway. You mean a fucking-shit-ton-whole-lot to me, just so you know. So, let’s get this started._

A picture followed the last sentence and Kate’s breath caught. She had written this. And she had sworn herself that she would never open the document again.

The cursor moved to the closing button without her controlling it, but when the only thing left to do was actually closing the document, her willpower wasn’t strong enough and her fingers refused to click the button. Instead, her hand moved the mouse away to the letters again and slowly scrolled down the document.

_Since it’s your birthday it only seems logical to do this now. Look at the following picture and guess how old we were._

Kate didn’t look at the picture.

_So? Yeah, I don’t know either, but we were fucking small. In conclusion: We have known each other ever since we’re able to think (or at least as long as I can think back). And now the time has passed so freaking fast and you’re turning eighteen._

Kate had never closed a document faster in her life. The cursor rushed to the button and she clicked it five times, to be sure that it wouldn’t stay open, while she covered the screen with one hand.

She leaned back and took a shaky breath.

“Fuck”, she cursed and closed the Explorer, another application, that had opened itself greeting her instead of her desktop. She stared at it and nearly automatically dragged the cursor over the name.

She didn’t want to but couldn’t stop herself from doing it. Why did she do this now? She hadn’t done it in days, why did she suddenly do it now? Nothing had changed! Still, she clicked the button and waited, her hands had started to shake. A voice in her head told her, that everything might be different, but all the other voices drowned it. They were right. Of course, they were right!

Kate pulled her knees close to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, trying to hold herself together and playing with the cuffs of the flannel. She let go of a breath.

“Tomorrow”, she murmured bitterly. “Remember? We’ll skype tomorrow. Well, fuck, ha?”

No one answered. Of course not.

“I’m sorry. I promised to stop, I know. But aren’t we both just awesome liars?” She shook her head as if it would make the words less true.

“I’m so much better now”, she imitated, not letting her brain bring back the images of the conversation. “Guess, what? If I said that now it would be just as true as when you said it.”

She wasn’t angry, even though she wanted to be. Anger would be easier to deal with. She would scream it away and be herself again. But instead, her voice sounded empty, she didn’t even bear the energy to put any kind of emotion into it anymore. Wherever she looked there was just this great hole, that no one could fill.

Two months. They had gotten into a fight. The last time they talked to each other, they had gotten into a fight. And she was the one to run off. She, Kate, ran off instead of helping her! She was weak.

“Fuck”, she cursed again, when she felt tears welling up in her eyes and quickly wiped them away. There was no need to let them flow.

It was stupid

“I don’t even have anything left to say. You know, that I want to but… everything’s empty?” She hesitated, the small spark inside of her still hoping to get an answer. But she didn’t.

“Bye”, she murmured through tears and stared blankly at the chat. Since weeks she had been the only one to text – nothing had changed. The last message she had sent five days ago. Five days ago, she had had the last breakdown. She had been doing so well, but no, she just had to break through the straight line of success of not opening the chat.

“Fuck”, she repeated, like a mantra, her eyes looking for something to throw, so she could at least release some of the frustration, tears welling up in her eyes once again.

“I fucking hate crying, you know”, she choked out, as if she hadn’t just said goodbye and her grip around her legs tightened, more tears were dripping down her cheeks. She had given up on throwing something and just stared at the chat.

A few seconds later she tried to muffle a sob and clapped a hand to her mouth.

“Hm?”, Eva grumbled from the bed and slowly sat up, looking at Kate, who still had one of her arms looped around her legs. “Everything alright?”

Kate looked up, startled by Eva’s voice and quickly nodded, wiping the tears away with the sleeves of her oversized flannel. She had used this exact flannel against other stains than the ones of tears, too. It always held the tears back, when she pressed it to her eyes. But it had failed, to hold back the red liquid two months ago.

“Yeah, everything’s fine”, she muttered, biting back the new tears in her eyes. No matter how hard she tried, one could hear, that she had clearly just cried. Her voice had broken just after the first word.

Eva got up and walked over to Kate, lazily wrapping her arms from behind her around her neck. “It’s 2 a.m. What are you doing up so late?”, she asked, her eyes briefly investigating the laptop screen. Kate quickly flipped her laptop shut and shook her head, as if it got rid of Eva’s question. She let go of her legs and turned around slightly to face her girlfriend.

“It’s… nothing. Assignments.” She swallowed the lump in her throat and looked at Eva, hoping that the sparsely light from the streetlights outside the window wasn’t enough to let her see her eyes, that had glazed over, the new tears still caught in them. She could still feel the tracks the tears had left just seconds ago.

“You’ll have enough time to do them tomorrow. Go to sleep.”

Kate looked into Eva’s eyes to have something else to focus on than her thoughts. They were so warm and even only half-opened, incredibly beautiful. Before she knew it, one of the many tears escaped and made its way down her cheek.

“Are you crying?” Eva now let go of Kate’s neck and squatted down in front of her on the floor, immediately taking her hands in her own.

Kate shook her head, another tear escaping her. “Fuck”, she murmured, wiping a tear away with her shoulder and looked down into her lap, where Eva was holding her hands tightly.

“I’m… fine. Just thought of a sad movie”, she lied, not daring to look up.

Eva sighed and stood up, squeezing her hands. “Go back to sleep, you need some rest”, she smiled gently, and Kate nodded.

“Yeah, you go back to bed, I’m just… going to save what I’ve written so far.” She swallowed again and did her best to put on a smile, squeezing Eva’s hand back.

Eva raised an eyebrow at her girlfriend’s weird behavior but let go of her anyways and went back to the bed. Kate opened her laptop again and let go of a breath.

“I know I promised I wouldn’t do this again, but who am I to keep that?”, she said barely audible and emptily typed the words again. She hit Send, closed the Skype application, and turned her laptop off.

She lay down next to Eva, who opened her arms for her. Kate gladly scooted close to her, swallowing a new lump in her throat and buried her face in Eva’s chest, feeling Eva’s arms closing around her. Why couldn’t she just get over it?

“Are you sure you’re ok?”, Eva asked warily, and Kate nodded before she could think about the question.

“Just tired.”

“Well, then sleep”, Eva teased lovingly, and Kate managed a smile.

“Then shut up”, she countered chuckling and Eva pressed a kiss to her hair.

“Good night, Kate.”

“Night.”

As soon as it was quiet, the easiness was gone.

She let go of a breath and tried to focus on her girlfriend’s heartbeat, but it didn’t work. Her thoughts still drifted off to the message she had written. Maybe, if she just hoped hard enough, she would find a response to it when she woke up.

In her dreams, she heard the message, she had written, all the time. Only that she heard it from the one person, she would never get a chance to hear it from.

The darkness surrounded Kate, but she could see her anyways - like the saving light in a storm of black. The words ripped barely healed scars open every time she heard them, without an escape.

“I miss you”, Chess repeated, looking at her through tears and reached a hand out to her. “Where are you?”

* * *

Eva knew that something was wrong. She was the only one who got to see sides of Kate, that no one else knew even existed and this was one of them. She clearly kept something from her.

“Assignments”, her voice echoed in her brain. It didn’t sound right, not like Kate. Not like the Kate Eva knew.

She sighed and pulled the sleeping girl a bit closer to herself. Whatever it was, that her girlfriend was going through, she would help her. Because that’s what she did. She helped others, the only thing except for cheering, that she was particularly good at.

She glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand and felt her chest tightening a tiny bit. She would receive a text from her mother soon, informing her about how Jacob was doing. Hopefully, the fever hadn’t grown.

Kate murmured something in her sleep, that Eva couldn’t quite understand, but she felt her starting to breathe raggedly and scooting closer to her, while also curling up and wrapping her arms around her legs.

She let her fingers run through Kate’s dark brown hair, the other hand softly stroking her arm up and down. Kate insisted that she hated it when others were watching, but secretly she adored it, maybe it would calm her now.

For the next few hours, Eva didn’t fall asleep anymore. Her time was spent between pulling Kate closer whenever she whimpered or her breathing changed and stealing glances at her phone, waiting for a message from her mother, about how Jacob was doing. She didn’t get one.

\-----

The loud ringing of the alarm clock ripped Eva out of her short sleep. She blinked a few times, before letting her gaze drop to Kate, who was still lying in her arms and hadn’t moved, having overheard the obnoxious tone of the alarm.

Eva placed a kiss on her head and then woke her. She couldn’t help but chuckle, when a jolt went through Kate as she awoke, but refused to open her eyes and held onto Eva’s arms.

“You slept well?”, she eventually mumbled while sitting up and Eva nodded. She had grown to be a great liar. “Good”, Kate answered and yawned. “Sorry for waking you, by the way. I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s ok, don’t worry about that now.”

Kate smiled lazily, thanked Eva, and got up to go into the bathroom. As soon as the door clicked shut behind her, Eva pulled her phone from the nightstand and unlocked it. She hadn’t gotten any new messages, except for school emails. Worriedly her fingers tapped onto the screen. Why hadn’t her mother texted her yet? She shook her head and put her phone down again. Everything was probably fine anyway.

Kate returned and now Eva went to the bathroom, slipped out of the clothes Kate had lent her for the night and changed into her own clothes from the day before. Kate rolled her eyes at her when she returned.

“You can lend some of my clothes, you know?”

Eva shook her head in response and sat down next to Kate on the bed. “It’s no big deal, these are fine”, she said, taking Kate’s hand. “Don’t worry about it.” She pulled her phone out of her pocket again. No new messages.

“Everything ok?”, Kate raised an eyebrow and followed Eva’s gaze down to her phone.

Eva nodded. “Yeah, just checking the time.” She looked again. “We have to go if we want to be on time. You should really start setting your alarm earlier.”

“Shut up”, Kate responded laughing and pulled Eva up with her. “Now come, before you complain any further.”

“Ok, ok, I’m coming.” Eva chuckled lightly and interlaced her fingers with Kate’s as they walked down the stairs and didn’t let go until Kate had to engage reverse gear to leave the driveway. Eva still didn’t feel comfortable with Kate having to be the one who was driving, but she hadn’t had enough money, to get her driver’s license yet. At least she got to spend some more quiet minutes with Kate before their peers would take that away.

For the next few minutes, Eva had forgotten about her phone and the text she had been awaiting all night.

She didn’t know, that she would get it eventually. Just maybe not the way she expected it to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first We Are The Tigers fic so thanks SO much for reading!! I don't have an uploading schedule, but I'll try to update as quickly as possible. Until then: My tumblr is @haveuseenmylife, so if you want to yell about We Are The Tigers I'd be more than happy to do so!!
> 
> I'll read you next chapter!


	2. Another day

The moment they arrived at school, Eva’s mind didn’t even have time to wander anymore. She and Kate divided to get to their classes and would only see each other again at lunch. In first period, Eva was busy taking a pop quiz, followed by second period, and having to follow the teacher's quick talking and taking notes.

Until lunch, she only had time to check her phone once – no notifications. Her mother didn’t pick up when Eva called her after getting a hall pass to go to the toilette.

It was only when she sat down to have lunch with her teammates, that she obsessively checked her phone every few seconds again.

Reese kept going on about some new routine she had been working on, Cairo interrupting her sporadically, asking questions. Annleigh texted all the time and occasionally informed Mattie about it.

And Kate? She hadn’t shown up yet. Eva had texted her and she had replied, informing her, that she had to work something out to get some extra credit and would be there in just a few minutes.

It felt off to Eva – Kate had used commas. She never used commas. But she was smarter than to ask.

Instead, she resigned to scrolling down the same social media all the time and waiting for an answer from her mother, only a part of her listening to her teammates. She only comprehended that they were happy and that was the most important thing. In the end, who could cheer without feeling joyful?

“You can”, the voice in her head whispered.

* * *

Kate sat down on the closed toilet, staring at the blank door of the stall. She didn’t like lying to Eva, but there hadn’t been another way. She just had to.

She had seen her again. Why couldn’t she just disappear?

She took her cap off and ran her fingers through her hair, trying to calm herself down. Thankful, that there weren’t any people in the bathroom she hid in – the one, in the last corner of the school – she leaned back and let the tears spill without even thinking about it.

Why did she keep showing up?

“Because I don’t want to leave you alone.”

Kate’s head shot up. She found herself eye to eye with the imagination of her brain – her once best friend. Her breath stuttered, her pupils grew wide. “W-why- “ Her voice cut off. Why was Che- her best friend talking to her? Couldn’t she just stay still and…

“I miss you, you know”, the ghost said.

Kate took in a sharp breath and stared right at it. The next second it was gone. She blinked rapidly and there was nothing to be seen, except for the door and gaping air. Kate supported her head with her hands, taking a shaky breath and staring down at her lap. Shit.

She was becoming insane. There was no other explanation for this.

“You’re not”, the ghost said in her head.

She looked around but couldn’t see anyone. Her breath grew uneven and her hands started shaking, sobs were now waiting to escape.

“I’m hallucinating”, she murmured to herself. “That’s all, I’m hallucinating, I just miss her…” Her train of thought ended at this. She missed her. She missed her like she had never missed anyone before.

Her eyes held fast onto the door handle. “I’m not crazy”, she tried to tell herself. “I’m not crazy.” It didn’t work. Her hands shaking more and more, she reached for her bag and pulled out her headphones, to distract herself, tears taking away her sight.

Her heart hammering, she plugged them in and put on the first song that was recommended to her. She prayed to the air, that it would work. She focused on the song – certain aspects of it. Listening to the lyrics, listening to the drums, the guitar, the vocals, the meaning of the lyrics. But her thoughts wandered again.

In Kate’s last class, _she_ had just sat there. She had looked at the blackboard and then back at Kate smiling slightly. Then she was gone.

Gone. She was gone, that’s what she was. There was no reason for Kate to still be upset, it was in the past!

“Get a grip on yourself”, she now sobbed.

She ran her fingers over the scar the knife had left that night. Had it been the same, that killed her? Shivers ran down her spine and she could hear her heartbeat in her ears. What if it had been the same?

She had survived the knife. Of all people, she had to survive.

Her hands shook harder. In a desperate attempt to still them, she started kneading the ends of the sleeves of her flannel. But it was of no use.

She was stubborn and couldn’t get her shit together, always seeking fights with Riley and Cairo, why had she lived? Why did it always have to be the people, that deserved it the least? And the ones, that pulled themselves up from hard times didn’t get anything, except for being urged to fall to the ground again.

When kneading the flannel didn’t help, fear flowed through her body freely and she started scratching her underarms, leaving red marks, burning, and stinging.

“Shit”, she wanted to scream, but only managed to choke the words out. Her phone vibrated in her pocket, she didn’t realize.

_She_ had told her, that she was ok. That everything was fine and then she had found the pills. In this moment Kate wanted nothing more desperately than for her best friend going away to college to be her biggest problem.

She increased the volume of the music, but it only made her ears pound, it didn’t stop her from thinking in the slightest.

Angry at herself, Kate took off her cap and hurled it against the door in front of her, letting it lie where it fell to the ground. But nothing changed. She shook more and more, every passing second sending her deeper into a spiral of panic and fear, all followed by the thought of her dead best friend.

Her voice echoed in her head as if she had just said the words a few seconds ago.

“You are not leaving me here.”

“Insert return card”, Kate mumbled frustrated and pulled her knees close, the cloud of pain she had been hiding closing in on her.

* * *

Lunch passed by and Kate didn’t come.

Eva sighed and prepared for the next period, gathering her stuff and saying goodbye to the others until practice. Reese grinned and waved her goodbye, seeming to be the happiest out of all of them. No wonder. Cairo had approved of the new routine and even praised Reese for it.

Eva hurried off, walking through the hallways, awaiting a message from her girlfriend and her mother now.

Already losing herself in worries, Eva suddenly caught eye of an all too familiar flannel and turned around, catching its sleeve. Kate turned around, a hand already risen to hit whoever dared to touch her, but let it sink again when she recognized her girlfriend.

“I was just trying to catch you in the cafeteria”, she said and relaxed a bit.

“Well, I’m here”, Eva laughed, and Kate nodded.

“Yeah, you are. Listen, I’m sorry that I couldn’t make it. I tried getting out of there, but I’m at a point, where I have to kiss every ass I can find, to get some extra credit.”

Eva shrugged it off. “It’s ok.

Kate smiled. “Thanks.” She looked at one of the big clocks in the hallway. “But you should better get going, genius. I heard they’re going to talk about the mitochondria in Biology again, better not miss that”, she said sarcastically, and Eva rolled her eyes lovingly.

“Why does she know your schedule?”, the voice in her head whispered. “You’re not worth that.”

“I’m not a genius, you know that I really shouldn’t care about science. Learning Reese’s routine would be much more important since I’m only here because I can cheer”, she clarified, and Kate shook her head.

“You aren’t, why the hell would you think that?”

Eva shrugged and put on a smile. “Because it literally told me so in the email”, she laughed, hiding the pain where it belonged, deep down in her thoughts. “Besides, I’m ok with that.” Lie.

“But it isn’t true”, Kate argued earnestly, and Eva shook her head.

“It is. And don’t worry, it’s fine.” Lie.

Lies, lies, lies. She was full of them. Couldn’t she just bite the bullet and tell Kate?

“No, you can’t”, the voice in her head whispered. Eva knew it was right. She sighed and took Kate’s hands into her own.

“It’s chill, I like cheering, you know that.” It was only half a lie. Eva liked to cheer, of course, she liked it! Why wouldn’t she? She was great at it. But the more she did it, the more it defined her, making her seem like a different version of herself to the outside world.

But did Eva even know herself? The real her? In that moment she was sure, that the girl, that didn’t cheer didn’t even exist. It wasn’t her.

“Now, go or you’ll be late, I’ll see you at practice”, Eva grinned and squeezed Kate’s hand, who immediately looked down as a reaction to Eva’s gesture.

“See you then”, Kate smiled and pulled her hands out of Eva’s, her oversized flannel covering her hands, making her look small as she was walking down the hallway.

Eva hated, that they didn’t take more classes together, maybe that would stop her from worrying now. But she shouldn’t complain. She didn’t even belong to this school! Yes, the science department was good, but it still didn’t feel right, to sit there, waiting to study animal cells.

She sat down at her regular seat in the second last row and pulled out her notebook and a pen. Sometimes she wished, that the school didn’t offer her the scholarship. Or that she had declined.

But when her father had seen it, he had been so happy for Eva, she couldn’t disappoint him. To this day on, not a single week went by, in which her father didn’t tell her how proud he was. She wouldn’t change that.

“Ms. Sanchez”, the teacher, Ms. Tanner, brought her back to reality, standing right in front of her.

“Oh, I’m sorry, what-what is it?”, Eva quickly gathered herself and looked up.

“Someone called for you. You’re dismissed from this lesson.”

Eva sat up. “What?”

“Please report to the secretary that you’re leaving.” With this Ms. Tanner turned around again and went to the front of the class, waiting for the other students to arrive.

And just like this, Eva’s wonderful and horrible world of thinking was destroyed. She did as she was told and left the building. What she certainly wasn’t expecting, was her mother to stand in front of the school, a pained expression on her face.

“Get in”, she ordered and pointed to the passenger seat of the car.

“What are you doing here, mom? I tried calling you, is everything ok?”

Her mother swallowed hard and pointed to the car again. “I’ll explain on the way.” More urgency than before lay in her voice.

At the first turn, Eva’s brain started working again. “Mom, where are we going?”, she asked, her voice coming out a bit strangled when she recognized the route they took. “Where are the others? How’s Jacob?” Neither Jacob nor her other younger brother Oskar were in the car.

“At your grandparents’ house, don’t worry, he’s fine.” Her mother held the steering wheel a bit harder.

“Then why are we…?”

Her brain started working harder and images flickered in front of her inner eye. Images she never wanted to see again. She thought she had destroyed them, but instead, they wouldn’t stop showing themselves to her now.

“Mom?”

The older woman looked to the side a bit. “Yeah?”

“Where’s dad?”

* * *

Kate had only let tears fall once more before practice, in the washroom of their changing room. It was just too much, when she spotted a T-Shirt, that she had forgotten the last time she had been here.

It was _hers_.

She had stolen the shirt from her and never returned it. Today it was just too much of a memory. When she had seen _her_ today, she had been wearing this exact shirt. And now Kate found it here. It was too much.

Kate couldn’t even begin to think of her name. It hurt too much. If she said it out loud, or even just thought of her name, everything would be true. The way she handled it now, made it seem like a horrible nightmare, that she would eventually escape.

None of that was the case, of course.

She changed into the second set of clothes she had packed and walked into the gym.

Cairo looked up and frowned. “Where’s Eva?”

Kate shrugged. “I don’t know. Probably on her way?”

Cairo sighed. “You two always hang out, shouldn’t you know, where she is?”

“We have like one class together, Cai. How the hell am I supposed to see her all the time?” Kate walked over to where all the others stood, feeling like Cairo was making her responsible for Eva showing up late. As if it was her fault.

“How about we just start warming up, she’ll join us eventually”, Mattie suggested silently, and everyone nodded. Everyone except for Kate. But she didn’t complain, she just shot Eva a quick text, asking her, where she was and then put her phone away.

They warmed up and Eva didn’t show up.

They started practicing the new routine for the pep rally and Eva didn’t show up.

They took a break and Eva didn’t show up.

Kate texted her again, staring at her phone as if it would make Eva answer.

“Is everything ok between you two?”, Reese asked caringly, sitting down next to Kate and she looked up.

“Yeah… at least I think so. Thanks for asking, though.” The hint of a smile flashed over her lips.

“Oh, thank god, I wouldn’t want to be involved in all the drama”, Annleigh commented and Kate rolled her eyes. Annleigh was so simple.

They continued practicing the routine, Kate focusing more than she usually did. It was harder to approve of bad thoughts when you were busy.

Someone knocking on the doorframe made her break the state she had been in – body and mind distanced from each other – and she locked eyes with Eva.

“I’m so sorry to be late”, she explained, coming in. They broke their routine and went over to her.

“Where were you?”, Cairo asked out of breath.

“I forgot that we had practice today, I’m so sorry, really. I just now remembered…”, Eva explained.

Cairo rolled her eyes but nodded. “Ok, mistakes happen. But don’t let it happen again.”

“I won’t, I promise.”

“Good. Then grab your pompoms, let’s continue.” They returned to the middle of the gym, Kate hugging Eva from the side. Eva hugged her back.

“I texted you, I was worried”, Kate said and saw Eva swallowing hard.

“Sorry, I didn’t see that, I was... very tired”, she apologized, her eyes following the patterns of the wooden panels.

She kept quiet and took her pompoms, looking like her mind was somewhere completely different.

“But you are ok, right?”, Kate asked.

Eva nodded. “It’s ok, I’m fine.”

* * *

She wasn’t fine. Not at all in any way was she fine. But they had to practice.

So, she put her pompoms up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hurting myself with this and I won't stop. But thanks so much for reading!! I'll update es quickly as possible and now that there's nothing left to say: Read you the next time!


	3. Hard to see

Practice ended with Annleigh running off for a date. She apologized and Cairo decided, that it was probably for the best to stop and go home for everyone. It had been a long day.

Eva was quiet when all the others talked about their plans to maybe go out on the following weekend, the new images flickering in front of her inner eye.

The rooms were too bright and sanitary. The air was too filled with worries, ignorance and knowledge at the same time. It didn’t fit and was still too familiar: The wooden chairs next to the bed, dozens of medical devices next to it.

Her sleeping father.

He was just asleep. He would be fine. They reassured her countless times, that he would be fine – that they realized soon enough. Still they had put a breathing mask over his mouth. Still they were running countless tests and whispering on the quiet. And still they would only let her mother go, to drop her off at school and expected her to return.

“Eva!”

Eva looked up and immediately met Kate’s eyes. She put her cap on and shouldered her bag, all while studying Eva. “I asked, if you wanted a ride. It’s too late for the bus.”

She swallowed hard and shook her head. “Thanks, but it’s ok, I’ll walk.” She put the last of her stuff into her bag and shouldered it as well.

“Are you sure? It’s supposed to rain soon, I don’t want you getting ill.” Kate took Eva’s hand as they left the changing room and made their way out of the building.

“That’s very sweet, but I wouldn’t want you driving across town”, Eva repelled with a weak smile. “Besides, it doesn’t look like it’s going to rain.”

Right in that moment something in the distance growled and Kate nodded her head to the sky, where dark clouds were already building up. “Told you. So, do you still don’t want a ride?”

Eva shrugged. Kate was right, there was no sense in denying that, in just a few minutes it would rain pitchforks, but maybe exactly that was the cooling she needed right now.

“It’s ok, I’ll walk. Shouldn’t you be working on your extra credit thing anyway?”

Kate seemed a bit confused for a moment, but then nodded quickly. “Yeah, you-you’re right, I probably should. Thanks for reminding me.”

“Sure.” She even managed an honest smile at how chaotic Kate was. “See you tomorrow.”

Kate pressed a short kiss to Eva’s cheek and smiled at how it immediately turned a deep shade of red. “See you tomorrow. And text me when you get home.”

“Why does she care?” The voice was back, carrying all the pictures from hours ago.

Eva nodded. “I will.”

Kate squeezed her hand again and then went to the car. Eva watched her leave and then started her way home herself. After barely five minutes, the first raindrops fell to the ground. And with that, the storm of pictures broke loose.

Doctors rushing in and out of the room, shouting commands the then five-year-old didn’t understand. Her mother had pushed her out of the room to her grandparents. Her father hadn’t reacted, when she told him that she loved him. Her grandparents had been crying, but they smiled at her and took her home with them.

This evening her grandmother allowed her to watch two Disney movies, instead of one.

Her grandfather had made her a big cup of hot chocolate and they had played whatever game Eva wanted to play. She had skipped kindergarten to go to the zoo with her grandparents the next day.

“Can Dad come with us next time?”, little Eva asked, and her grandmother nodded.

“Of course.”

“Then can we come again tomorrow?”, she questioned, fascinated by the giraffe, that was standing just a few feet away.

Her grandfather laughed, but her grandmother made a pained face. Eva didn’t understand why. But at this point she also didn’t know, that the pictures of the day would still haunt her years later.

Now she knew. She knew everything she didn’t want to know and more.

The rain came crashing down and soaked her denim jacket, but she somehow enjoyed it. The cold slashed itself a way through her skin and bones, filling her to the core. It gave her a sense of clarity.

The pictures still returned though, the rain didn’t freeze the thoughts. So, on her way home she stared down onto the asphalt and buried her hands deep into the pockets of her pants, seeing everything that had happened on the grey pavement.

It hadn’t been the same today.

Today, her father hadn’t talked to her at all. When she was little, he assured her that everything would be fine, before he passed out. But today he didn’t say anything. Today she just stared at him and hoped, that the surgery would go well.

She didn’t cry. It would happen eventually, probably at night, when she wanted nothing more than to fall asleep, but until then she was left in a shell of herself.

Suddenly a car came speeding down the road she was crossing, and she jumped to the side, slipping and falling to the ground, landing painfully on her left arm. She hissed in pain and watched as the car drove away.

Supporting her wrist, she stood up and clenched her teeth.

“Fucking drivers”, she cursed and continued walking, sometimes holding her hand out into the rain, to cool it down.

By the time she sat down on her bed in the warmth, she was soaked to the bone and her wrist was swollen.

“Won’t come home today, food’s in the fridge”, her mother sent her a message and she replied with a short “Ok, take care.”

Already sniffling from the cold she took a shower and put on a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt Kate had forgotten, when she had come over this weekend. It still smelled like the orange-scented shampoo she used. It was the most comforting smell Eva had ever smelled.

Putting a cold pack onto her wrist Eva realized, that her hunger had vanished, and she sat down on her bed again. Carefully she palpated her wrist and nearly jumped off the bed, when she pressed down on a certain spot.

Tears immediately streamed down her cheeks. She resigned from examining her wrist further and supported it with a few pillows.

Her thoughts wandered.

If she went to the hospital now, maybe they would put her wrist in a plaster, and she would get to see her dad. But it wasn’t that bad, was it?

“Of course it is that bad you jerk!”, the voice in her head shouted. “But don’t you dare going to the hospital, your mother has already got enough to deal with!”

“Shut up”, she hissed.

“I’m right! Don’t be so sniveling, you fell! Of course, it’s broken, but get over it! Your dad has got so much more to worry about!” The voice hesitated and continued gleefully a few seconds later. “Oh, right, he can’t.”

“The surgery will go well”, Eva argued. “He already managed it once, he will manage it a second time, too!”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”

“Good, but I am sure. It will go well!”, Eva now shouted. She had never been more thankful for being home alone than she was now. No one could see her desperation – could experience one of her lowest moments.

“Will it?”, the voice whispered ten minutes later, when Eva had already thought, that she had dispelled it.

It would never go away, of that Eva was sure now. And as much as it pained her, it was right about her wrist. It wasn’t worth putting the weight of more worries onto her mother. A cool pack would be enough. It had to be enough, because she wouldn’t make her mother take more, than she already did. She _couldn’t_ take it.

And neither could Eva.

She fell asleep in the clothes she was wearing, still supporting her wrist and tossing and turning all night, she tried to suppress the pictures.

Her dad in the hospital bed, unconsciously waiting for the emergency operation.

“It will go well.” Her mother had reassured her that, the doctors had reassured her that, but the voice in her head still was the loudest of them all.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”

Fucking cancer.

* * *

She took in the words of the message sent an hour ago again. Eva should have been home two hours ago, but she hadn’t answered. Kate should have never let her walk home. Like she had predicted, the rain now came crashing down as if there were no tomorrow. At least it hadn’t been a thunderstorm like she had assumed.

Kate was worried about Eva. It was hard to see in the rain and drivers wanted nothing more than to get home, sometimes even ignoring the speed limit.

Eva had for sure crossed a road. There had for sure been a few drivers speeding to their homes, to warm up.

The longer she overthought the situation, the more scared Kate was. But she wouldn’t admit it to herself. Nothing would happen to Eva, because she wouldn’t join _her_. She wouldn’t go away, disappear and vanish into a memory, only Kate held onto. She wouldn’t open two Skype Chats every night.

But right now, her phone made her believe the opposite.

Sighing she typed the last sentence of her essay, closed it and then opened the chat.

“I’m worried about Eva”, she typed.

“She hasn’t texted me even though she promised to and showed up late to practice.”

When no answer came, as always, she simply continued.

“I know that you only know her from other people talking about her, but she never shows up late. She’s always on time. Concerning that, she’s a bit like you. I guess you two could be friends.”

“I’m gonna introduce you some time.”

She deleted the last sentence and leaned back. Stupid. How would she introduce them to each other? But just the thought of it, made a smile appear on her lips. How wonderful would it be? Her best friend got along perfectly with everyone, the thought of her and Eva being friends was so soothing.

Like seeing a turquoise flower in a bombed field of grey.

“Ok, I’m sorry, you obviously don’t care", she typed as a closure and put on some music.

She reread the messages she had sent and added another reading "I miss you". Someday she would get an answer. Maybe her best friend would explain to her, why Eva was acting the way she did.

Eva had told her, that she was tired, so maybe she had fallen asleep right after getting home. It made sense. But at the same time, she had seemed perfectly normal to Kate after they had woken up.

The wheels in Kate’s brain started spinning and clicking in place, one after one.

“Please tell me you’re ok”, she texted Eva. At the same time someone knocked on her door and her mother came in, holding up an envelope and looking at her angrily.

“Would you care to explain this to me?”

Kate turned around from her desk and looked at the envelope, at her mother and then back at the envelope, letting her phone sink. “What is this?”

“A letter from your school. It says you’re failing math!”

Kate jumped up and pried the letter out of her mother’s hands. She scanned it quickly and looked at her mother. “I didn’t know”, she said, completely flabbergasted.

“How could you not notice that you’re failing a class!? Maybe you should just stop spending so much time with your girlfriend and focus on important things!” Her mother crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked at Kate in a way, that made her feel small and helpless.

Something in her chest stung. “Eva and I don’t spend that much time together! We barely see each other in school and when we meet up, it’s for school projects”, she defended herself and Eva.

“Then how do you explain this?” Her mother took the letter from her again.

“I don’t know”, she replied lamely. “But I won’t fail, I’ll study and everything!”

Her mother nodded, her voice had changed to an icy tone. “You better. Otherwise I’m telling your father about Eva and you. You know, that _I_ can tolerate it, but your father won’t be happy.”

“Yes mom.” Kate sadly hung her head and took a deep breath.

“And put your phone away.” Her mother left the room and Kate collapsed onto her bed, burying her head in the pillows.

How could she not have realized, that she was failing? On the other hand, she had been occupied dealing with the fact, that her best friend was gone and still appeared in her math class far too often. Which meant, now she had to take care of more worries than just that. Her fingers ran over the scar on her thigh, which reminded her once again of how vulnerable she was. The question, if it had been the same knife, once again crossed her mind.

Before going to sleep, she turned her phone off, to stop herself from checking it all the time.

\-----

“You might want to check in on her tomorrow”, her best friend smiled at her sadly. “She really needs someone now.”

“But I need someone too”, Kate sighed and looked up at her. As always in her dreams, everything around her was dark, while her best friend was in full color and wearing the exact same clothes, she had been wearing _that_ night.

Without the blood of course. The blood was on Kate’s flannel.

Her best friend nodded. “I know. But right now, she needs you. Why else would she have lied?”

Kate didn’t have an answer to that. Mainly, because she didn’t understand.

“Be there for her. And besides, I promised that I’d always be there for you, Kate. Remember?”

Kate looked up and nodded. “Yeah, I do.”

“I won’t break that promise, I’ll always be there. Maybe just in a different way.” She smiled and reached out her arms, to envelope Kate in a hug.

Kate wanted to run to her and never let her go, but her feet were glued to the ground, as always. “I really, really want to hug you now”, she stated but pointed to her feet frustratedly. “But… I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok. Someday it will work.” She was so understanding, it nearly made tears spring to Kate’s eyes.

“Are you sure?” Kate was convinced that it would never work.

“Absolutely”, she reassured her.

With this she vanished, and Kate was left alone and thought about her words.

“I miss you”, her best friend’s words died away. "And I _do_ care."

\-----

The only thing that was different when she woke up, was the sudden sureness, that Eva had lied about forgetting practice. The more she focused on the moment of Eva entering the gym, the more sense it made. Eva’s hands had been shaking, her voice sounded broken and Kate had to call her name three times, to make her respond.

Something had happened and it didn’t seem like something good.

“Sorry for not texting, fell asleep, I’m fine <3”, Kate found Eva’s reply on her phone, when she turned it on. It had been sent at three in the morning.

Cairo had also sent a message to their group chat, informing them, that practice was cancelled for this afternoon, due to the radiators in the gym being replaced, and Kate smiled slightly. Just what she needed right now.

She went back to Eva’s message. Reading between the lines, Kate was sure, that her best friend had been right and decided to catch Eva during study hall and maybe even take her out on a date after school. She simply wouldn’t tell her mother, that practice was cancelled and spend some time with her girlfriend.

Her _lying_ girlfriend.

But she didn’t even find the energy to judge Eva for it. She herself wasn’t much better either.

Rolling herself out of bed, she already planned out the afternoon, ignoring the picture of her best friend in the corner of her eye.

“She lied, because she needs you”, her best friend repeated.

Kate put on her best friend’s hoodie, finding comfort and warmth in it and looked at her directly now, before picking up her bag.

“Well, we are the tigers after all”, she muttered gloomily.

Heroes and liars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, that I ended this chapter with a quote again, but oh well. Thanks so much for reading!! There'll be fluff and a bit of hurt and comfort in the next chapter (finally!) sooo, I'll read you next time!


	4. Sobbing filled with half-truths and pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally some fluff!! (And a hint of angst, because)

It had cooled down significantly after the rain from the day before, so Kate even grabbed a jacket in addition to the sweatshirt she was wearing. “See you in study hall”, she shot a quick text to Eva and pulled out of the driveway.

She hadn’t seen her parents in the morning, for which she was more than thankful. Her father would’ve probably screamed at her about the letter. That she would have to endure this procedure sooner or later, she successfully suppressed.

“If you have to appear, please don’t do it in math”, she begged under her breath, when she pulled into the parking lot of her school and held onto the gear shift a bit harder than usual, in search of security. “Do whatever you want, but please not today in math.”

Apparently, she had heard her pleading, because today in math Kate completely focused on the class and wasn’t distracted by her best friend. Shocked, by how little she understood from what was written on the blackboard, she made her way to the teacher at the end of the lesson and practically begged on her knees for some credit. At this moment, she didn’t care of how big of a fool she was making out of herself.

“I don’t want you to fail, Ms. Dalton, but you simply have to understand, that your performance in my class has decreased rapidly and I couldn’t justify not giving you an F." Her professor, Mr. Hervick, was looking up from correcting homework and handed her back a sheet of paper. “You didn’t do any of these exercises right.”

Kate looked at the sheet and winced. “Please, Mr. Hervick, there has to be some way, please! Can’t I just take some extra classes or something?”

Mr. Hervick put his pen down and looked up at her again. He took off his glasses and bit down on the side of them, to which Kate scrunched up her nose in disgust, but did her best to disguise it.

“Of course, you can always take an exam. If you get a C on that, you’ll pass the year.”

These words took a load off Kate’s mind and she exhaled. “When can I take the exam?”

“It’s scheduled for Friday afternoon in three weeks.”

“Three weeks?”, Kate stuttered. How the hell was she supposed to study all the topics they had covered in just three weeks?

“Three weeks”, Mr. Hervick confirmed. “If you want to take it, please tell me and I’ll put you on the list.”

Kate sighed, but nodded. She wouldn’t get an F and let her mother tell her father about Eva and her. She wouldn’t do that to her girlfriend. “Put me on that list or whatever. And thanks.”

“You’re very welcome, Ms. Dalton.” Mr. Hervick shot her a friendly look, when she left the classroom and made her way to study hall. She quickly scanned the room as soon as she arrived and when she discovered Eva, snuck up on her from behind, wrapping her arms around her and grinning. “Hey.”

Eva jumped a little and turned around, her features softening, when she recognized her girlfriend. “Hey.”

Kate sat down next to Eva and took her right hand, smiling slightly. “Is that my sweatshirt?”, she asked, when she recognized the familiar fabric of her girlfriend’s shirt.

Eva looked down and nodded. “Uh, yeah, I’m sorry. You can have it back tomorrow.”

“No, no, no, it’s ok”, Kate stopped her. “I like it, you look pretty cute in it.”

Eva blushed furiously and murmured something about wanting Kate to stop, adding “How are you?” afterwards.

“I should ask you that”, Kate replied, pulling a notebook from her bag.

Eva gasped for air, but quickly gathered herself and raised an eyebrow. “I could tell you the same.”

Kate now took a spiral-bound notebook from her bag and opened it, pulling a pen out of the pockets of her jeans and writing down useless notes. “Why?”

“You came here later than usual”, Eva stated silently and studied her girlfriend. Kate picked up on the dark circles under Eva’s eyes and her pale skin.

“Are you sick?”, she asked, thinking about yesterday and putting one and one together, already offering Eva her jacket, but Eva shook her head.

“No, I’m not. Why would I be?” Right after she took out a paper tissue and blew her nose, followed by a short coughing fit.

Kate smiled a bit complacently. “Say that again? Walking home in the rain wasn’t the best idea after all, was it?”

Eva rolled her eyes. “Ok, fine, it wasn’t. You win. There, your prize.” She pressed a short kiss to Kate’s cheek and then faced her notebook again.

Kate needed some time to regain her composure, but then remembered, why she had been looking forward to this lesson in the first place. “Hey uh, do you maybe want to go grab dinner or something after school?”

Eva looked up. “Are you asking me on a date?”

Kate’s cheeks flushed a bright shade of red and she nodded. “Well, I was hoping that’s how you do it.”

Eva chuckled. “You definitely did it right. But don’t we have practice?” She bit down on her bottom lip, stroking her thumb lazily over the back of Kate’s hand.

“Cairo texted, that it’s cancelled today, didn’t you see?” Kate squeezed Eva’s hand. She didn’t know why, but it felt like the right thing to do.

“Oh, yeah. Sorry, forgot about that. But I’m not sure if I’ve got the time to do anything.” Eva seemed uncomfortable, telling Kate this. Little did Kate realize, how Eva’s grip around her hand tightened.

She squeezed back. “Can’t you just go with me? I want to spend some time with you.”

Eva’s expression changed to pained and she twisted her mouth a bit. “I don’t think I can…”

“Come on.”

“Kate, I…”

“Please, it will be fun, I promise.” Kate made her best puppy-eyes, something she had never done before. But Eva was worth it.

Eva sighed. “I don’t doubt that, but I… have to go somewhere.” Kate had never seen Eva look so complicated, somehow fighting with herself.

“Can I go with you then? We don’t get much time outside of school, I’d like to spend it with you at least.” Kate knew how desperate she sounded, but if she was completely honest, she was. She was worried about Eva, more worried than she had ever been about anyone.

Well, maybe her best friend.

“No, you… you really can’t, I’m sorry Kate.”

“Then go with me! We barely get to see each other anymore, is it too much of me to ask you to spend some time with me?”

She was frustrated. It was selfish of her, but the more thought she put into it, the more she craved being near her girlfriend, being held by her and making her feel whole again.

“She needs _you_ to hold _her_ together now”, her best friend reminded her, appearing next to Kate’s face. She jumped up, her hand slipping out of Eva’s and her best friend disappeared.

“Kate? Are you ok?” Eva stood up too and Kate shook her head, which quickly turned into a nod.

“Yeah, I am. Just… thought I heard a bee.” Eva knew about Kate’s allergy and nodded understandingly. “Still, will you please go on a date with me this afternoon?”, she then asked and took Eva’s hands, squeezing them.

Now Eva was the one to jump and she hissed in pain, drawing her hands from Kate’s. Tears had sprung to her eyes. Kate backed away and looked at Eva concerned. “Shit, did I hurt you?”

Eva bit down on her lip and shook her head, holding her wrist awkwardly. “No, you-you didn’t, it’s ok.”

Kate took a step forward again and carefully took the hand Eva was supporting. It was swollen and its color had changed to a combination of green and blue.

“This is clearly not ok”, she said earnestly, ignoring the glances all the other students shot her, for disturbing the silence and breaking their focus. Eva was so much more important than that. “Why didn’t you tell me? This looks awful!”

Eva looked down and when she didn’t respond, Kate simply decided what to do. She carefully let go of Eva’s hand, gathered their stuff, taking both of their bags and went to the bored looking teacher, pulling Eva with her on her heal hand.

“We need a hall pass, I think she might throw up.”

Eva’s confused face could be interpreted as nausea, too, so the teacher didn’t even question Kate and handed them the hall pass, letting them go. Kate pulled Eva with her and only stopped, when they had reached the bathroom, she had used to hide in during her panic attack. But in that moment, she repressed that memory and let Eva’s and her stuff fall to the ground.

“Eva, why didn’t you tell me? You’re hurting!” Once again, the bathroom was completely empty, so no one could eavesdrop on them. Except for one person.

“Be a bit gentler with her, she’s going through a lot.” Her best friend put a hand on her shoulder. Kate winced like she had the time before. Months ago, she would’ve given it everything for her best friend gaining the ability, of appearing at her side whenever she needed to talk to her. But right now, she didn’t feel happy when she appeared - she just felt a numb pain in her chest, reminding her of the loss.

“Is that why you didn’t show up for practice?”

Eva looked down and swallowed hard. “No, no it’s not, it’s not that big of a deal. Kate, please…”

“Then what is it?”

Eva finally looked up at her. Her eyes had glazed over, and she was trembling like an aspen leaf. She opened her mouth to answer, but nothing came out, while pulling the sleeves of her sweatshirt further down. Her left hand was shaking even more. Before Kate could even ask, Eva had stepped forward and slumped herself into Kate. She was shaking even more and clung hard onto her sweatshirt.

“Be there for her”, she reminded herself of her best friend’s words. Kate closed her arms around Eva, softly pulling her closer. For the next few minutes there was nothing to be heard, but Eva’s silent sobbing.

Sobbing filled with half-truths and pain.

* * *

She entered the hospital after last period and suddenly Kate’s hand wasn’t enough to keep her grounded anymore. She started shaking at the thought of her father’s skin being cut in two right in that moment.

Her stomach rumbled. She hadn’t eaten in two days, and apparently now was the time that her stomach thought, was right to complain.

The cold, white walls and scent of the hospital made Eva’s head spin. She didn’t want to be here. Probably right now, her father would be rushed to the surgery, her mother sitting somewhere in his room and waiting for him to return, rereading the same article for the fifth time and erasing the solutions to her Sudoku for the third time.

She leaned her head onto Kate’s shoulder, while waiting for her name to be called for her wrist to be X-rayed.

Kate waited for her, when she left for it and immediately let her rest her head against her again, as soon as Eva returned. Her stomach flipped, at how much care Kate took of her and remembering, that she hadn’t told her the whole truth, made her feel sick. Kate still didn’t know anything about her father.

“You are so useless, you reach out for help, and then you can’t even do it properly!”, the voice in her head made her believe. She didn’t have the energy to start an argument, so she simply nodded.

“How many hours of sleep did you get?”, Kate asked gently, taking Eva’s healthy hand, and Eva shrugged.

“I don’t know, not many.” She closed her eyes at these words and let the pain pound through her wrist. She inhaled the scent of Kate’s shampoo and relaxed a bit against her. Who knew, that having a broken wrist could be so grueling?

“You know, that you could’ve told me, right?” There was so much worry in Kate’s voice, Eva didn’t even think that was possible. She didn’t deserve all this care. Kate should rather care about getting extra credit, than her.

“I’m sorry”, she apologized. “I didn’t want to bother you.”

Kate lifted her head a bit, so Eva turned to face her. There was so much emotion swirling in Kate’s eyes, it almost made Eva want to drown in them. “You are never bothering me with anything”, Kate said earnestly. “No matter how fucking small the problem is, you can always tell me about it. I won’t not care.”

“Of course, she’s lying”, the voice in Eva’s head answered the unspoken question matter-of-factly.

“Ok”, Eva whispered back, suppressing a sneeze.

“Good.”

Kate settled back again, and Eva relaxed against her shoulder. “She means it”, she now told the voice in her head. “She means it.”

“Are you sure?”

Eva leaned onto her girlfriend a bit harder. “I don’t know, but I’m sure.”

The voice laughed. “Well, I know. So better listen to me, before you get hurt and have to transfer schools again.”

“Ms. Sanchez!”, the conversation was ended by a nurse calling her name and she stood up to get her cast. Kate smiled at her reassuringly, before the door closed behind Eva.

* * *

“Promise to text me, as soon as anything feels off?”, Kate asked for what felt like the hundredth time and held Eva’s hand, that was now in a cast, over the gear shift.

“I promise, don’t worry Kate, I’m fine.” Eva smiled and lazily pecked her on the cheek.

Kate had heard these words far too often to believe them. Eva had said them so often already and her best friend had even managed, to make her believe them. She wouldn't make this mistake again.

“Just text me, please.” She couldn’t check her phone every three seconds waiting for a text, that would never arrive.

“I will. Thanks for driving me.” Eva got out of the car and took her stuff, politely declining the help Kate offered her.

“Sure, always. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Eva nodded and smiled tiredly. “Yeah, you will. See you then.”

“See you then.” Eva closed the door and disappeared into the house.

Kate looked after her, until she was sure, that she was safe in the house and then turned the car around, yawning. How in hell had she not noticed, that Eva had broken her wrist? How had she still friends and was in relationships, when she didn’t even pick up on that?

The words, Cairo had told her that night came back. “You don’t have a relationship… She’s dead.”

Somehow Kate had managed to cross the name from her memory, it would hurt too much to hear it. But the most horrible part was, that Cairo had been right. The one relationship she had had, was gone now.

Absentmindedly she made her way into her house, awaiting nothing more dearly than to fall into her bed and forget about the worries of the day, procrastinating math until the next day, or at least, until she had caught a few hours of sleep.

But not even this wish would come true. She entered the house and her parents were staring down at her, arms crossed. Without even welcoming her, they screamed at her, about coming home that late and not answering her phone, her father not so subtly scattering in the fact, that she was failing and how angry he was. Her parents grounded her for the next three days and sent her to her room.

Frustrated, she turned on her laptop and decided to watch a silly movie to take her mind off things. She found an email from her math teacher on it, containing all the topics she would have to study and know to get a C.

It almost made her cry.

But she simply thanked him and started watching a random Disney movie, mainly to point out all the mistakes she already knew by heart. But only five minutes in, the screen changed, and she received a request for a Skype video call.

It was Annleigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't get used to the fluff and caring, the next chapter will be filled with angst all over again (: Anyways: Thanks SO much for reading and sticking with me. I'll read you next time!


	5. I'll be there

Her heart pounding, Kate took a deep breath and hit her own arm. “Jerk, she’s gone”, she reminded herself. For a short moment, she had thought that her best friend was calling. That she was finally calling to tell her, that she was still there.

Natural, that she wasn’t.

She accepted the call and waited for the screen to load. “Hey, Annleigh”, she greeted lazily, when she saw the other girl looking at her.

“Hey”, Annleigh said, fidgeting with a ring on one finger. “Listen, I wanted to apologize.”

Kate raised an eyebrow and defensively crossed her arms in front of her chest. “What for?”

“For saying that stupid stuff about Eva and you, I’m sure you’ll be fine and even if you ever break up, I’ll be there for you”, Annleigh said, her voice shaking a bit.

Kate was taken aback by this. She had almost forgotten about the day before in the gym. “Oh, uh, that’s very nice of you”, she murmured and tried to smile at Annleigh. “Thank you."

Annleigh visibly relaxed at these words, she stopped playing with the ring on her finger and lay her hands into her lap. “Sure. You would’ve probably done the same for me and Clark.” She silenced abruptly and looked down again.

Kate bit down on her lip. “Do you want to talk about him?”, she asked, trying to make her voice sound caring.

Annleigh looked up again. “I don’t know, would you mind?”

“I wouldn’t have asked if I minded”, Kate smirked and Annleigh managed a short laugh.

“Then yeah, that would be… great.” Kate waited patiently for Annleigh to continue. “You know what? I hate landlines now”, she started, and Kate managed a bitter laugh.

“Yeah, I’ll second that.”

Annleigh looked like a deer in the headlights. “Oh, I-I’m sorry, I didn’t think…”

Kate swallowed hard and shook it off. “It’s ok.” She closed the movie she had been watching and hesitated for a moment. “How do you feel about it?”, she then asked.

“I don’t know, sad? Clark, he – he was incredible, lovely and wonderful. I loved him and he loved me too, he even proposed but now he’s gone”, Annleigh said silently. “He came to bring me my night guard, he was so sweet. That was the only reason he was there that night.”

Kate nodded. “He really sounds more awesome than I thought.”

Annleigh nodded. “Yeah, he was. And Farrah…” Annleigh sighed and tears built up in her eyes.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to”, Kate quickly stated, but Annleigh shook her head.

“It’s ok. I just… I can’t understand that she’s really gone. Sometimes I go into her room, just hoping, that she’ll be there. We always fought but I’d probably give it all to just talk to her once again.”

Kate hummed in agreement. “Yeah, I understand that.”

There were a few moments of silence, before Annleigh continued, sobs now escaping her. “The last thing I told her before she died, was that I hated her”, she cried silently. “But… gosh, of course it wasn’t true! I didn’t hate her!”

Kate’s chest tightened at that and she started breathing heavily. “I’m sure she knew, that you loved her”, she tried to reason with Annleigh.

The other girl shrugged. “But what does it matter now? No matter how often I go to her room, she’s never there.”

Kate calmed down a bit again and let Annleigh continue, muttering soothing words, reassuring her, that she would be fine. She didn’t believe them herself, but what did it matter? Annleigh never even thought of asking Kate about how she was, but she was thankful for that. She wasn’t in the mood to discuss her problems with Annleigh.

In fact, she didn’t want to discuss them with anyone right now. Well, maybe one person. But that person was gone.

Annleigh brought Kate’s thoughts back into the real world, by saying goodbye and thanking her. Kate smiled weakly and waved, she watched as the screen froze and with that the call was ended.

She rubbed her eyes and turned on her desk lamp. Whether she wanted to or not, she would have to start studying. The next hours were spent with a lot of crying and asking herself, why everything had had to happen.

“If you had stayed, everything would have been easier”, she sent a message to her best friend. “If you were here now, this wouldn’t be happening.”

It was weak, to wallow in self-pity, but Kate had reached the point, where she didn’t care anymore. Every second, the scar became more and more relevant to her. Every time, she wanted to solve an equation or study a formula, her gaze was drawn to it.

She didn’t even know, why the idea of the knife that was the cause of it, being the same, as the one that killed her best friend, made her so emotional. It just did.

And Farrah. Farrah had probably been killed with the same knife, too.

And Kate of all of them had lived.

“Why did they have to die?”, she asked, looking through the window. “They had something to live for, they would have gotten better.”

Her gaze dropped to her laptop again and without even thinking about it, she opened a chat.

“I know, that we never were good friends, but you should know, that your sister misses you. She loved you.”

She sent the message and went back to the chat, she spent most of her time looking at.

“Fuck, I miss you so much”, she murmured, while typing these exact words and sending them.

It was one a.m., when she texted Eva and wished her a goodnight. Her notebooks still sat on her desk, waiting for her to solve the last equation, she had written down, but right at this moment it was more important to her, to make Eva know, that she thought about her.

Little did Kate know, that she would get up in the middle of the night, to reread the letter she had written for her best friend's birthday months ago.

* * *

Eva stared down at her bank account and rubbed her eyes. She wouldn’t even be able to make a small contribution. When her mother had come home in the evening, Eva had heard her making several calls and she didn’t even have to ask, to know, that she was trying to scrape up the money for her dad’s hospitalization.

For the rest of the night she tried to figure out different ways, to get more money, but she got nowhere. If she wanted to manage school, she wouldn’t even be able to take extra shifts at Toni’s.

“You’re so useless”, the voice in her head returned. “If you wanted to, you could just take more shifts. You just don’t want to. Fucking useless.” The voice didn’t disappear in her dreams as well. It kept calling her lazy and whatnot.

But she told it to fuck off.

Her mother was already gone in the morning, her brothers still stayed at her grandparents’ house and like this, the house was empty, after she had left it. Without having eaten a meal, again.

Just thinking about her father made her remember the remarkable scent of the hospital and she felt sick. Her throat felt like someone had put a rope around it and the noose was straitened, whenever she thought of swallowing anything.

She was on the bus, when she checked her phone for the first time and saw Kate’s message. She even managed a small smile. Maybe everything would be fine after all. She met Kate before one of the few classes they took together – European History – and they exchanged a quick kiss.

“How’s your wrist doing?”, Kate asked, and Eva shrugged it off.

“Hurts less than yesterday. Thanks again for taking me to the hospital.” She looked down. “And sorry, I kind of forgot about your sweatshirt.”

Kate shrugged. “Don’t worry, you can keep it, if you want to.”

“You’re going to get it back tomorrow”, Eva promised and pressed a short kiss to Kate’s cheek. “See you in History?”

Kate nodded. “Yeah.” She turned around and went off.

“Hey, isn’t you next period Psychology?”, Eva called after her and Kate looked back.

“Yeah, why?”

“Then why are you going the opposite way?” Eva took a few steps towards her girlfriend and took her hand.

“I have to use the bathroom”, Kate explained, pulling her flannel a bit closer and Eva smilingly tucked a flick of Kate’s hair behind her ears. Kate looked down.

“There’s one right here”, Eva pointed out, looking behind her shoulder.

“Uh, yeah. I… The other one’s less crowded”, Kate stammered and pulled her hand out of Eva’s. “I’ll see you later.” Her voice had changed a bit, it sounded anxious now. Before Eva could ask Kate another question, she had turned around and was running off to the bathroom.

Eva endured the following lesson, occasionally texting her mother and waiting for news about her father. She didn’t receive any. Apparently, he was still in the operating theater.

“I’m going to ask for some extra shifts”, she texted at one point, when they were discussing buying groceries, since her little brothers wouldn’t spend the next night at her grandparents’ and Eva could practically feel her mother’s worries about not having enough money.

Her mother didn’t even tell her not to. She just texted “Ok” and with that Eva had decided, that she would manage school and the extra shifts somehow.

“Your father had to endure cancer for so long and you even dare complaining?”, the voice in her head reminded her, of how unjustified her worries were. Her answer consisted of searching her bag for some money, to get something to eat and ignoring the voice, but she didn’t find anything.

So, she sat down next to Kate for European History, feeling a bit nauseous, her stomach still rumbling.

“Good, just like announced, you are going to start working on presentations now”, the professor declared, as soon as she entered the room. “I’m going to organize you into pairs of two and you’ll have the next three weeks to prepare everything. I anticipate participation from every single one of you.”

Kate smiled at Eva, when they were assigned partners and they sat down in the back of the class, Eva letting her head drop onto Kate’s, as soon as she reassured her, that it was ok.

“I fucking hate this topic”, Kate murmured, writing down _Social classes in the middle ages_, ready to take notes. “Do you want to meet up after practice, to go over the structure of the presentation or something?”, she then added, looking down at her girlfriend and Eva shrugged.

“I don’t know, if I’m free after school”, she mumbled, suddenly more tired than before.

“No offence, but it kind of seems like you’re keeping something from me”, Kate teased, softly nudging Eva’s head.

“No, nothing, except for a dead father”, the voice in Eva’s head said sarcastically.

“He’s not dead”, Eva argued in her thoughts, feeling nausea building up in her stomach.

“Yet.”

“He won’t die!” She wouldn’t let the voice win, not this time. But even in her imagination, her voice sounded weak. She didn’t stop fighting, though, her father had never stopped, too.

Kate nudged Eva’s head again softly. “Are you feeling alright?”, she asked, putting down the pen she had thrummed against the notebook.

“Yeah, I am”, Eva muttered, banning the voice to the end of her brain and her eyes fell shut. The nausea had reached a point, where she couldn’t just force it back anymore. “Tired.”

In the next moment Eva couldn’t control her actions anymore and she felt herself slipping down Kate’s shoulder and her head landing in her lap. She tried to open her eyes but couldn’t. Darkness was closing in on her and in the next moment it had captured her.

“You know that you can’t win”, the voice said. “Maybe you’ll escape just now, but I’ll be back.” It grew silent and disappeared.

And Eva was left alone. Alone, in a grey, destroyed field. The only thing, she could cling onto, was a turquoise flower, that even remained, when the grey transformed into black and closed in on her, burying her under its weight.

* * *

Kate stroked over Eva’s hair, watching as the school nurse checked her blood pressure. She had refused to let go of Eva, after she had collapsed, so now she was sitting in the infirmary, Eva’s head in her lap, and worriedly combed through her hair.

“Will she be ok?”, she asked, and the school nurse smiled at her.

“Yeah, she will be”, he assured her. “Maybe try to get her to eat something, as soon as she wakes up.”

Kate nodded and the nurse waved her goodbye, when he left the room. Kate only nodded and pushed a strand of her own hair behind her ear, pulling her beanie down.

Why did all this have to happen at once? Her suspicion, that she would see _her_ again, when she returned to the bathroom, had been right. She didn’t want it to be right, but they had still talked to each other. _She_ had told her, that she couldn’t just keep coming back to the bathroom, to talk to her, but Kate hadn’t listened. She would come back as often as possible, just to stop feeling alone.

Eva in her lap tilted her head a bit and she opened her eyes. She looked around and met Kate’s eyes. “Kate”, she whispered, and Kate smiled slightly.

“You fainted”, she explained, before Eva could even ask. “When’s the last time you ate?”

Eva tried to sit up, but Kate softly pushed her back down again. “Maybe take a few sips of water before doing that. And eat something.”

Eva swallowed and nodded, drank something from the water bottle Kate offered her and then tried sitting up again. This time Kate didn’t stop her but put a securing arm around her waist. Eva took the piece of bread Kate handed her.

“Thanks”, she mumbled.

“Sure”, Kate answered.

They fell into a silence, that was loaded with unasked questions, neither of them dared to say out loud. But something told Kate, that Eva wouldn’t tell her, why she hadn’t eaten, so she didn’t ask.

Still, she tightened her grip around Eva’s waist a bit, telling her, that she cared

\-----

Eva had been permitted to go, after a final check from the nurse and they continued, as if nothing had happened. Kate now texted Eva after every lesson, and it took a load off her mind, as soon as she answered the texts.

Kate asked Eva to take it easy in practice this afternoon and she reluctantly agreed. Annleigh had also walked up to her and thanked her again; Kate only told her, that it was natural.

It was only during the short break they took, that Cairo noticed the cast on Eva’s arm, and Eva was busied answering questions about it. Kate could see, that her girlfriend hated the attention, so she took her hand and helped her, to fight them off. Mattie picked up on that and soon engaged the other’s in a conversation and Kate smiled at her thankfully.

She felt Eva next to her pulling out her phone and checking it quietly. Abruptly her grip around Kate’s hand tightened and she took a short breath. Kate looked at her and then let her gaze drop to Eva’s phone screen. All she could see was a chat.

“Get her out of the gym”, the voice of reason in her brain spoke, but she didn't act.

Eva started trembling and stood up, looking around for her stuff. “I-I have to go!”, she shouted to the other’s and looked at her phone again. “I’m sorry, I… Bye.” She choked out the last words and left the gym.

Kate jumped to her feet and went after her, telling Cairo to shut up, when she called after her. She would deal with her rant later.

“Eva! What’s wrong?!”, her voice echoed through the hallway.

Eva didn’t stop, so Kate got a move on and ran up to her, catching her sleeve. Her girlfriend turned around and looked at her, tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Shit. Are you going to faint again? Is it your hand?” Kate immediately searched for any signs, that could tell her, whether anything was wrong, but Eva just shook her head, more tears streaming down her cheeks.

“Will you drive me?”, she choked out, so much despair in her eyes, Kate couldn’t do anything else but agree to Eva’s request.

“Where do you have to go?”

“Please just come with me”, Eva pleaded, shaking harder with sobs. Kate's thoughts wandered to the equations waiting for her on her desk and her parents, and then back to her girlfriend. She nodded, taking Eva's hands and holding them securely.

“Sure, let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, yes, this was less angst than originally planned, but I can't keep making Eva suffer, I'm sorry. The only thing I can promise at this point is, that there will be lots of tears and Kate still will go through A LOT! But, thanks so much for reading and I'll read you next time!!


	6. Stand up and be free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY a bit of healing

Eva held onto Kate’s hand, shaking with fear. This couldn’t be happening. Not now. She had been prepared for everything, no matter how painful, but the moment she saw him, it knocked all air out of her lungs.

Her mother had left to drive to her grandparents’ house to talk about how they would afford everything, only a few minutes ago, not even acknowledging the cast on her arm, as well as the doctors, giving her time to say goodbye.

“Do you want me to go?”, Kate asked silently, when Eva didn’t move and just continued staring at him.

She looked up and swallowed hard. “Please.”

Kate squeezed her hand and softly kissed her cheek. “Call me, if you need anything.” Eva nodded and felt Kate’s hand slipping from hers, a few seconds later she heard the door opening and closing. And then she was left alone with the beeping noise.

She sat down and looked at him. He looked far too healthy, not, as if he had just undergone surgery.

“They messed up the surgery pretty badly, huh?”, she murmured. “They thought they had done well… They’re stupid, aren’t they?”

She let go of a shaky breath. Her eyes glazed over, but no tears were coming out. She had cried enough already in Kate’s car, she wouldn’t let it happen again.

“I wish you and Kate got to know each other better”, she said over the silent beeping. “She’s… the best thing that has ever happened to me. She’s caring and sweet and funny and she makes me happy. You would’ve liked her.”

Kate and Mr. Sanchez had only met two times, but every time her father had told Eva, that he liked Kate. “I can see a certain kind of sparkling in your eyes”, he had told her. “I’ve never seen that before.”

Eva smiled a little at the memory. “In case you’re wondering: She still makes my eyes sparkle”, she informed her father.

“As long as you’re happy, I am too”, he had always told her. “I don’t care whether you stay alone or not, I just want you to lead the life, that’s right for you.” He had smiled at her, while he cut the carrots for dinner into pieces.

“Why do you cut them this way?”, Freshman Eva had asked, instead of answering.

“They taste better, if you cube them”, he had explained smirking. “And before you ask: Yes, it does matter.” People had always liked what he served them in the restaurant, he had worked at. But when the thing with the cancer happened the first time, he had had to stop working. He never quit cooking though.

“They really do taste better like that”, Eva now told her father with a watery laugh.

She sighed and pressed the palms of her hands onto her closed eyes, until she saw all kinds of patterns. “I wanted to drop out of Giles Corey High”, she blurted out, after a minute of only listening to the beeping. She didn’t even know why, but it felt like a confession she still had to make.

“I didn’t feel like I belonged there, but you always told me, that you’re proud of me, so I never said anything.” She shook her head and looked up a bit. “Thank you”, she said earnestly. “If you wouldn’t have told me that, Kate wouldn’t be my girlfriend now. And I would never be able to study environment technology.”

She stared at her father now. “I’m going to keep cubing the carrots, I promise.”

In that moment, the beeping noise wasn’t interrupted by silence anymore and it turned into a high-pitched tone, that didn’t ever stop. Eva’s breath caught in her throat and the door burst open. She stood up and looked at the doctors, her heartbeat increasing and stopping at the same time. One of them looked at her and she felt tears welling up in her eyes.

“I’m sorry”, another doctor said, and she looked around.

“Can’t you do anything?” Desperate for help she looked into everyone’s eyes, but they only shook their heads. “No, please. Don’t let him…”

“We can’t do anything about this, Ms. Sanchez. We did our best, but he’s just not strong enough anymore.” A doctor with the name tag “Mariah Fore” went over to the machine and pressed some buttons.

“He is strong enough!” Eva felt like she was drowning in the pitiful looks, like the doctors had to feel sorry for her. But they didn’t have to! They had to work on bringing him back, he didn’t deserve this! He had already lived through it once, he could do it a second time too! Eva needed someone. She needed someone right now, to help her.

But when she tried running out of the room to break down in Kate’s arms and call her mother, her feet didn’t move. Her limbs were too heavy.

All of a sudden, a collective gasp went through the room and Eva looked over to Doctor Fore, who stared at the machine - flabbergasted. The beeping had returned.

“This can’t be, it must be broken”, one of the doctors, Michael Zolder, said and went over to the machine, but Eva involuntarily - without even thinking about it - rushed over to her father and put her hand onto his chest.

“He’s alive”, she whispered. “He’s alive, do something! You have to do whatever you can to keep him this way, please!”

A doctor rushed over to her and felt her father’s pulse.

“He’s going to make it, I just know it, but please, please, help him through it! Please!”

She wasn’t granted an answer. Instead Doctor Fore told her to leave the room and pushed her out of it, closing the door behind her. Her heart pounding hard against her chest, Eva stared at the closed door and turned around.

Had her father really just died in front of her? And was he alive now? He had to be alive, she had felt his heartbeat. She knew it. The cancer didn’t stop her father, it couldn’t. It mustn’t.

“Eva?”, Kate called her name softly, standing up and walking over to her.

“He’s alive”, Eva smiled. “He’s really alive, he-he died and then…” Happy-tears made its way down her cheeks. “Kate, he’s alive”, she repeated whispering and flung her hands around Kate’s neck. “He’s alive, he will make it.”

Eva didn’t know, when the last time was, that she had felt so happy, but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was, that he hadn’t died.

“He won’t leave you here”, Kate promised her.

“He will make it”, Eva repeated.

The door opened again, and Doctor Zolder came out. Eva pulled away from the embrace and looked at him, tears glistening in her eyes. “We don’t know, how this happened but he’s in stable condition now”, he explained, scratching his scalp.

“When will he be able to come home?”, Eva asked, and Kate smiled at her.

The doctor cleared his throat and looked down at his records.

The next sentence came crashing in like a lightning bolt. Like bombs, that were dropped down and destroyed everything.

Eva’s world turned grey.

The bombs crashed down in her just rebuilt city. All the hope was gone, razed to the ground. The happy-tears turned into heartbreaking sobs, as she buried her head in Kate’s shoulder and broke down. She couldn’t even see the little turquoise flower, in the storm arousing around her, sucking everything from her.

Seconds later she felt empty and numb. She only heard the doctor talk some more, something about her mother. She felt, that Kate wrapped an arm around her and guided her through countless of aisles, out of the hospital into the cold, and how she put her jacket over Eva’s shoulders.

Somehow, she ended up in Kate’s car, holding onto her hand like a lifeline.

“I told you, that it wouldn’t get any better”, the voice triumphed. She didn't argue.

* * *

“Do you want to come in with me?”, Kate asked, and Eva nodded. They got out of the car and Kate immediately offered her hand to Eva, who took it, intertwining her fingers with Kate’s. They made their way into the gym, where their team was chanting, still practicing for the pep rally.

When they entered the gym, Kate cleared her throat and four pairs of eyes fell on them. Reese was the first to move and ran towards them, crushing them both in a hug.

“I was so worried about you guys, where were you?”

Mattie walked over to them now, too, joined by Cairo and Annleigh, Cairo giving Kate a venomous look. “Why’d you run away?”, she asked, and Kate looked at Eva, who looked down.

“How bad could it be?”, Annleigh now commented with a joyfull smile. “I mean, it’s not like anyone died, did you run off for a date and just didn’t want to tell us?”

Kate felt Eva next to her stiffening. “I… I’m going to grab our stuff”, she murmured. “Kate, can you please…?”

Kate nodded. “Sure, I’ll tell them. You can wait at my car, I’ll be right there.”

Eva thanked her and left the gym to get her and Kate’s stuff. Kate turned back at Annleigh and rolled her eyes. “Did you really have to say _this_ shit?”, she snapped, as soon as Eva was out of hearing and pulled out her phone, to text her parents, that practice would last longer than expected and that she would be home soon. She wouldn’t take more problems than she already had now.

“I was just kidding”, Annleigh defended herself. “You were the ones to disappear without telling anyone why.” Reese put a calming hand onto Annleigh’s shoulder, before she could get all worked up about it.

“Kate, what is all this about?” Cairo didn’t even make an effort, of making her voice sound less angry.

“It’s Eva’s father”, she started and ran a hand through her hair, taking off her beanie. “Please don’t talk to her about it, it’s… Just don’t talk about it, she’s totally euchred.”

“If you don’t tell us what all this is about soon, I’m going to start a riot and cut you from the team”, Cairo muttered.

In this moment, Kate would have been thankful for being cut from the team. Whether it be with a knife or not.

“He’s in a coma, ok!?”, she blurted out. “He’s in stable condition, but they don’t know if he’ll ever wake up, so please, for the love of god, think about what you’re saying when she’s around!” Kate took a breath from the rant and gathered herself. “I’m going to bring her home now. Please give her some time.”

No one dared opening their mouth for a few seconds. “I-I’m so sorry, I didn’t know”, Annleigh broke the silence and Kate shook it off.

“It’s ok, you didn’t know. But please… let her be”, she sighed.

“Tell her, that we’re there for her, if she needs us”, Reese now said, and Kate nodded.

“I will”, she smiled weakly at Reese and then waved the others goodbye. “I’m going to resign from our weekend plans, by the way.”

Everyone nodded, even Cairo, and murmured a small “Ok.” Kate turned around and went to her car, sighing and wiping sweat off her forehead. When she passed the bathroom, she had seen _her_ in, she played with the thought, of going in and maybe seeing her again, for a short amount of time, but decided against it.

Scolding herself for even thinking, that her wish to see her dead best friend was more important than Eva, she went to her car, where her girlfriend was waiting for her.

“Sorry that it took so long”, Kate apologized and thanked Eva, for taking their bags.

“It’s ok, they probably had a lot of questions.” Eva’s voice sounded weak, but at least she was talking to her. Kate saw that as a win.

“Yeah, more or less. But come on, I’ll drive you home.” She walked over to Eva, took her hand and opened the car door for her. “Is your mom coming home today?”, she asked, and Eva shook her head.

“She’s staying with my brothers, they’re already pissed, that they haven’t seen her in so long.” Kate snickered at Eva’s choice of words, walked around the car, sat down and reached across the gear shift to take her hand. The cast didn’t bother her.

“Will you be fine?”, she asked gently, and Eva shrugged.

“I don’t know. Everything seems like it’s been destroyed right now”, she murmured, her hand lazily lying in Kate’s. “But can we maybe not talk about that? I’d rather not think of it.”

“Sure”, Kate agreed softly.

They both fell quiet, until Kate parked in front of Eva’s house and a dull feeling broadened in her stomach. “Are you sure, you’ll be fine alone?”, she asked, when the car came to a halt.

“Yeah, I’m just going to go home”, Eva managed a weak smile. “See you tomorrow.” She kissed Kate briefly and got out of the car, pulling her jacket closer, already searching for the key to her house in her bag.

“Do you want to come over to my house, maybe?”, Kate abruptly blurted out, fully aware, of how stupid the idea was, but too concerned about her girlfriend to care and got out of the car, to hold Eva’s hand. “You could grab dinner at my place and stay over. We can pretend, that we’re working on the project.”

Her parents would just have to deal with the fact, that Eva was more important to her than anything else.

Her best friend would have told her, that it was the right thing to do. 

* * *

“What?” Eva’s brain still wasn’t capable of understanding the easiest sentences.

“Do you want to come with me? You don’t have to stay home alone, if you don’t want to.”

Eva swallowed hard. She didn’t want to fall onto Kate’s nerves, she had already driven her to the hospital and been there for her all the time. “That’s sweet, but you don’t have to… invite me over. I’ll be fine.” She would just make herself a meal with cubed carrots and try to suppress the occurrences of the day.

“But do you _want_ to?”, Kate asked, emphasizing her words.

Eva looked down. “Well, I’d like to, but it’s really ok…”

“Then come with me.” It sounded so different – easy - when Kate said these words. Before she knew it, Eva nodded.

“That’d be…”, she let go of a breath, “really, really great.”

“Then come and I’ll drive us.” Kate softly pulled Eva with her and let her hand lay easily in Eva’s. Eva could feel the warmth and comfort in her girlfriend’s hand, she needed more desperately than anything right now.

Kate opened the car door for her, and Eva blushed. She didn’t deserve having such an amazing girlfriend, she didn’t do anything to deserve her. “I can do this myself, you know.” It was just a burden for Kate to have to do so many things for her, she was sure of that.

“Just trying to be a good girlfriend”, Kate shrugged taking Eva’s hand, when she sat down next to her.

“You already are”, Eva justified. She meant it.

They fell silent for the rest of the drive, Kate informing her parents via text, that they would work on their History project and that Eva would stay over.

“You don’t have to do all that… worry about me and shit”, Eva murmured, when they got out of the car. “I’ll be fine somehow.”

“I worry because I care”, Kate clarified. “You mean a shit-ton-lot to me, of course I care. I’ll never not care.”

“She’s lying”, the voice in Eva’s head murmured. “Why would she mean it? Shut up, make yourself invisible again and leave her alone.”

“Shut your goddamn mouth”, Eva now fought back, suddenly gaining control over herself again. “Leave me the fuck alone. I went through enough today! She cares about me more than anyone ever has before, so shut your goddamn mouth.” Eva built a quick wall around her thoughts. She wouldn’t allow herself to see her father’s body again and damned the voice once more.

It was this one small thing – the moment, she stood up against the voice – that changed everything.

She never heard it again.

A few minutes later she was lying down in Kate’s bed, Kate still discussing something with her mother downstairs and finally felt, like she could breathe again. There was something about Kate’s room, that always made her feel welcomed and wanted.

“Thanks that I can stay here”, she thanked her again and sat up, when Kate joined her.

“Sure, always”, Kate smiled weakly. Now, after the talk with her mother, she acted differently than she usually did - looked around all the time and was a bit jumpy.

But in the end, both of them were absolutely whacked from the day. They still changed into different clothes and halfheartedly discussed their History project, Eva doing her best to focus her thoughts onto that. It was easier, than to think of reality.

They both fell asleep in Kate’s bed, Kate putting her arms around Eva and Eva’s head resting on Kate’s chest. She slept the best sleep she had slept in what felt like months, not even noticing her girlfriend starting to shake and leaving her side in the middle of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The voice is gone! FINALLY! Well, more or less... Nevermind. Get ready for Kate suffering in the next few chapters and thank you so much for reading! I'll read you next time!


	7. You’re gonna be wounded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: homophobia, alcohol, physical abuse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song "The word of your body" from the show "Spring Awakening".

The night normally was the time, Kate liked being awake the most. Everyone else was asleep and she was left in peace. No one could tell her what to do and the time was hers.

That had changed though. Two months ago, many things had changed. Kate stayed awake, because she couldn’t sleep, cried herself to sleep, overthought too much. The nights had become one of her biggest enemies.

Exactly like this night.

She had only slept two hours, before she woke up and remembered her mother telling her, to talk to her, as soon as Eva wouldn’t listen. She didn’t want to, of course not! But she was too scared of the consequences of just going back to sleep.

Her mother crossed her arms in front of her chest, while Mr. Dalton sat down next to her, opening his probably third bottle of beer. Kate stood in front of them, like she had committed a crime and would now be sentenced to years and years of prison.

“Now, tell me the truth”, her mother said with a piercing look.

Kate’s head sunk a little, at her father's addition. “Why is she here so often, anyways?”, he questioned, taking a swig from his beer. "Doesn't she have a home?" 

“I already told you, we’re working on a project and there are no bus connections to her house, especially not at this time.”

“You’re failing math! That’s more important than some stupid project.” The floor was more interesting than anything to Kate, as soon as her father spoke again, after taking another swig from the bottle.

“I have to do the project, too. Or do you want me to fail History as well?”, Kate weakly defended herself.

“You should be able to manage both and don’t care about people that much! Having many friends won’t get you anywhere and send your SAT scores so low, you won’t even get into a college.” Her father talked himself into a rage, but she didn’t dare doing anything against that.

“He’s right, Kate”, her mother said. “Look at your siblings. They both got into Ivy League Colleges, because they worked hard and cared about their grades more than anything.”

“I care about my grades”, Kate said with a sore throat. It was true! But focusing onto numbers and calculation operations was hard, if the ghost of your best friend kept staring at you.

“You don’t care enough! Your brothers both graduated on top of their class and- “

“But I’m not them!”, she said loudly. “Fuck’s sake, I’m not them! I care more about my peers, than a fucking letter on a piece of paper!”

Mr. Dalton put the beer bottle down. “Don’t you dare speaking like that underneath my roof or I’ll ground you for a year!”, he growled.

“It’s not your roof, mom payed for the place!” Kate grew bolder with every passing second.

“You will listen to your father, or else…” Her mother shot her a meaningful look.

“What?!” At this point Kate knew, that she wouldn’t be able to pull herself out of this mess anymore, so she went for broke. “What do you want to do, huh?!”

“Don’t talk to your mother like this! She’s right!”

“She isn’t right.” Her voice was trembling with anger. “She’s not right at all. I care about Eva and everyone else I know, because I know they will care for me!”

“God, ever since your little friend died, it’s as if someone shat into your brain!” Kate’s mother opened her mouth to say something, but with one look Mr. Dalton silenced her.

The words hit Kate hard and pushed all the air out of her lungs. She needed to move away from this topic as far as possible. “Good grades won’t ever help me, when I truly need someone.”

“You won’t need someone, if you’re smart”, her father argued stepping closer to Kate, his breath smelling like alcohol. “Not that you had anyone left!” She swallowed hard and looked up at him.

“Yes, I do. And I need someone, that truly cares about me. Not like you”, she spat out.

For a moment, Kate thought that she had won the battle against her, probably drunk, father, but in the next moment she heard a loud clapping and felt a stinging and burning pain spreading from her cheek. Her mother suddenly stood up and shouted at Kate’s father, defending her daughter.

Kate’s hand wandered to her cheek, touching it carefully and feeling how the pain spread to her heart. Had he…? She looked him dead in the eye. “You’ve always been an asshole, but this…" Tears started glistening in her eyes. "Fuck you”, she whispered, before turning around and running up to her room.

Breathing heavily, she closed the door behind her and leaned her forehead against it. Her mother shouted at her father – words, she didn’t understand and didn’t want to understand. Why did she always practically have to provoke the fights? She shouldn't be surprised, it had just been a matter of time, until it would happen. Today had been the day.

Her parents continued for what felt like an eternity, Kate leaving her place at the door, to get her headphones. Focusing on music was easier, than hearing your parents scream at each other. Working too hard at not letting the pain get to her, she sat down next to Eva in the bed again and tried to take deep breaths.

Carefully she ran a hand through Eva’s hair, cautious not to wake her up. “You’re so incredibly strong”, she murmured admiringly. A few minutes later she had managed to calm down enough, to take off her headphones and answered a few texts.

Her teammates had sent all of them, asking about Eva.

She ran her hand through the girl's hair some more, who scooted a bit closer to her. Kate’s cheek hurt a bit less at that. When she finally heard her mother’s footsteps, she stood up from next to Eva and left the room.

Her mother ran her hands through her red hair and sighed. “He left”, she told Kate. “Are you ok?”

“Did you tell him?”, Kate answered, pointing to her room behind her, leaning onto the doorframe for support. Fear was pounding through every vein in her body.

Her mother shook her head and the biggest weight Kate had ever felt, was lifted off her shoulders. “I didn’t. And he won’t get to know about it, if I have any say in that.” She pointed to Kate’s cheek. “Does it hurt?”

“It’s ok”, Kate murmured, the air crippling with untold apologies.

“I won’t let that happen ever again”, her mother promised. “I’ll throw him out, if I have to.”

Kate looked up and raised an eyebrow. “I thought you were on his side?”

“I’m not, Kate. Please don’t ever think, that I’m on his side.”

“But you…”

“I care about your education, too! Of course, I want you to be as successful as your brothers, but if that’s something you don’t want, I won’t force you into it.” Her voice was calm and collected, Kate believed everything she said.

She swallowed the lump in her throat. “Thank you. And thank you for not telling him about Eva and me. I guess coming out to him would’ve made the whole situation a bit more… critical”, she tried to ease the conversation.

Her mother nodded. “I’m going to try to be more understanding, I promise”, she said. “It will take time, but know, that I’m ok with Eva and you being together. As long as your grades don’t slip.”

Kate chuckled softly and nodded. “They won’t”, she promised. “I’m working on that.”

“You’re gay?”, a deep voice ripped the harmony apart, and Kate looked over to the stairs. Her father was pulling himself up on the handrail.

Her mother spun around. “Calm down”, she told him, as soon as she caught eye of him, but he shook his head, standing still in his place now. There was a different bottle in his hand.

“Don’t tell me you’re on her side! Kate, you’re…?”

“Yes, I’m gay!”, Kate interrupted him. “I’m as gay as the day is long, for fuck’s sake!”

“You’re fucking kidding me, right?” Kate took a step closer to her mother. “You’re kidding me! First, I get a daughter, even though I wanted a boy! Then she’s incredibly stupid and fails! And now she’s also fucking gay!?”

He took a swig from the bottle, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “You know, I thought I’d give you a chance to apologize to me and accept your mistakes.” He pointed at her with one finger. “But that tears it. I’m leaving.”

He went downstairs again, Kate’s mother carefully walking after him, Kate at her side. Her dad turned around, blinking rapidly. “I’m getting my stuff tomorrow, don’t even think of looking at me ever again. I’m better than this”, he slurred.

“I deserve so much better than a daughter like you…” He shook his head and looked at Kate, who stood next to her mother on the stairs. “You know what? You’re not my daughter anymore, don’t even dare thinking of me ever again!” He turned around and left the house, taking another deep swig from the bottle and threw it to the side.

It shattered into hundreds of shards and the door clicked shut.

\-----

The quadratic equations became indistinct in front of Kate’s eyes. But they gave her a feeling of security. After lots of failed attempts, she had gotten the hang of them and for an hour now she had just been solving them for fun.

It was easy. She had to think about it but not too much. First, find out, which of the four methods you need to use, then write down the formula, put it into the calculator, check the discriminant and write down the solutions.

It was enough to keep her busy.

She leaned back from the last equation and sighed. She had done all the exercises, that her professor had advised her to do and she could only find higher degree polynomial functions in her school book, whatever these things were. The clock read 3:07 a.m. and she refused to start working on a new topic.

“It’s good, that he’s gone”, she repeated for what felt like the hundredth time. It was true, but it was hard to accept it, when everything inside her always kept telling her, that events could have turned out differently, if she had just apologized.

“Came out to dad today, he ran away. And somehow, it’s my fault”, she texted her best friend, her cheek stinging a bit harder again, reminding her of the occurrences from a few hours ago.

“You know just as well as I do, that that’s not true.”

Kate snapped out of her thoughts, turned around and found herself eye to eye with her best friend. Before she knew it, she breathed out her name.

“Chess-”

The world shifted at it and everything fell into place, almost like puzzle pieces, that finally showed the picture the builder had been awaiting. The picture Kate saw, was her best friend. She saw the truth, that she was gone and would never text back. She took her hands off the keyboard.

Chess smiled at her and sat down on the floor in front of Kate. “I haven’t heard you saying my name in a long time”, she stated, and Kate nodded.

“Yeah, I know.” She was completely flabbergasted, unable to cope with everything. “But, you know, I accidentally came out to my father, so…”

Chess nodded. “I know, it was pretty rough.”

Kate swallowed and played with the fabric of her shirt, squeezing it hard and letting go of it, to feel a sense of relief. “Yeah.” Chess kept quiet and she continued. “You know, I know that he was a bad person and that we’re better off without him, but… I don’t know, I guess I’ve known him for too long, to hate him.”

“I understand.” Chess smiled the understanding smile, that always made Kate feel save and accepted. She had smiled this way, ever since Kate knew her.

“I’m just happy, that he didn’t make the connection between Eva and me”, Kate murmured. “God knows, what would happen if he actually found out.”

Chess looked over to Eva, who was stretched out on the bed. “How is she?”

Kate looked at Eva, too, smiling slightly. She shrugged and looked back at Chess. “I don’t know, I guess a little better. But I’m kind of scared of school tomorrow. They’ll ask her a lot of questions…”

“And you’re worried of how she’ll react?”, Chess guessed, and Kate hummed in agreement. “Just be there for her”, she took the worries from Kate’s shoulders. “Show her that you’re there and don’t break yourself in the meantime.”

Kate nodded, even though she didn’t understand, why she would break herself and sighed. “I will. Thank you.”

“Hey, I promised, that I’d always be there, didn’t I?”, Chess smiled and reached out her arms, to wrap Kate in a hug. Kate immediately leaned down to fling her arms around Chess’ neck.

But instead of feeling her best friend’s embrace, she felt the cold wooden floor on her forehead.

The illusion was gone.

She cursed, sat up, rubbed her head and absentmindedly fidgeted with the friendship bracelet on her arm. It would stay there forever, no matter what.

She looked at her sleeping girlfriend again, her stomach twisting, at the thought, that she would have to tell her about her father. But for now, she would just keep it to herself – not worry Eva even more.

Kate set her alarm earlier than usual, like Eva had requested the last time she had stayed over and lay down next to her again. Eva scooted closer as soon as Kate had covered herself in a blanket and she managed a weak smile, putting her arms around Eva again.

\-----

It wasn’t the alarm, that woke Kate up, but her girlfriend nudging her shoulder. “Morning”, she murmured and turned around, to face her. “Slept well?”

“I slept in your arms, how could I not have slept well?”

Something in Kate’s chest ached at that, but she smiled at Eva nevertheless and kissed her briefly. "Shut up", she complained playfully. 

Eva’s relaxed expression at this moment – how she smiled and blushed slightly – was enough to make Kate like mornings better than nights. There was something building up in her, that made her feel more guilty about her father leaving every passing second, but she didn’t care.

Because Eva was more important than any feeling right now.

_And don’t break yourself in the meantime._

* * *

“Ready?”

“Hold my hand? Please.” Eva would never make it alone.

Kate’s hand fit perfectly into hers, felt like it was, where it belonged. Eva knew, that the day wouldn’t be easy, but she would conquer it, somehow. They left Kate’s car and together, everyone holding onto the other for different – hidden – reasons, entered the school.

They faced the start of the storm together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be back at my angst bullshit soon, I promise, I just needed some good old-fashioned sadness and fluff so here we are. But thank you SO SO much for reading and I'll read you next time!!


	8. Of guilty one's and hope

Mattie took her books out of her locker and excitedly grinned at Eva. “Guess what?”

“What?” Eva took out her own books and turned towards her.

“Cairo said, that maybe I could be co-captain”, she beamed, clutching her books close to her chest in excitement, nearly jumping up and down.

Eva smiled at her. “That’s great, Mattie! You deserve to be co-captain.”

Mattie’s cheeks grew red and she squealed. “I can’t believe it, I mean…”

“Hey”, a different voice interrupted, and Eva turned around, to see Kate walking towards them. “What are you up to?”

Eva let Kate kiss her cheek and take her hand. “Mattie’s probably going to be co-captain”, she explained, and Mattie nodded energetically.

“Didn’t we say there’s no such thing as a co-captain?”, Kate questioned and wrapped an arm around Eva’s torso, pulling her a bit closer.

Mattie’s excitement lessened a bit at that, and she stopped breaking her face by smiling so hard, but she made a dismissive hand gesture. “I don’t care. She said that I have what it takes and if I don’t get to be co-captain, maybe one day I’ll be captain.”

“Well, she’s right. You’re going to make a great captain, once you are one”, Eva encouraged her, and Mattie hugged her stormily – Kate backed away a bit. “You’re the best. I’m going to get you back on the team, even if you don’t go here anymore.” With that she squealed happily and ran off, waving them goodbye.

“She’s really excited about this, isn’t she”, Kate laughed, and Eva nodded.

“Yeah, she is”, she laughed.

There had also been another positive thing about the meeting with Mattie: She hadn’t asked her, how she was. Eva would have never thought, that one day she’d be thankful for her feelings being ignored and yet here she was. It was so easy, to suppress reality, if no one dared you to think of it.

“Want to go to History?”, Kate asked, already pulling Eva with her. Eva had never been happier about having to study European History in first period and let herself be pulled to the classroom by her girlfriend. They sat down in the back of the class and started writing down useless facts, they remembered from the past lessons. But their teacher praised them for the accuracy, so maybe they weren't all that useless after all.

“Oskar and Jacob are coming home today”, Eva informed Kate, as soon as she had seen her mother’s text. Lessons like this were the most practical one’s, she could just pretend that she was looking something up even though she was doing something completely different.

Kate looked up from excerpting a Wikipedia article and smiled at her. “That’s great, so your mother will be home again?”

“Yeah, she will.”

Kate smiled warmly and pecked Eva's cheek. “That’s awesome. I’m happy for you.”

They resumed working on the project again, Eva now starting to design a layout for their poster. The lesson flew by, both of them only occasionally exchanging a few words, to make sure the other was ok with what they were doing. Kate had complimented Eva’s drawings more than just one time and she had blushed furiously. The bell rang and Eva finished writing down the heading on their poster at the same time. She rolled it up and put it into her bag, already trying to remember her schedule.

“Are you coming?”, she asked Kate when she was finished and a glance at her phone had informed her, that she had to show up to Human Ecology in a few minutes. Kate didn’t react and wrote down some more notes. “Kate, are you coming?”

She didn’t react again, just exchanged the pen she had used for a pen, that worked. “Kate!”, Eva said loudly. They were the only one’s left in the classroom now.

Kate’s head shot up and she blinked rapidly. “Lesson’s already over?”, she asked, looking at the clock and shoving her stuff into her bag. “Sorry, got a bit too invested.”

“It’s ok.” Eva took Kate’s hand and they left the class room. “Do you want to meet up after next period and go to practice together, by the way?”, Eva asked, reading the message Cairo had just sent to the group chat.

“What?” Kate apparently hadn’t been listening and looked at Eva.

“I asked, if you want to walk to practice together after this lesson”, Eva explained, holding up her phone to show Kate the message. “We could meet up at your locker, that’s closer to the gym.”

Kate nodded. “Sure.”

With that they parted, Eva swiftly kissing Kate’s cheek. “See you later.”

The lesson went by quickly. No wonder, Human Ecology was one of her favorite subjects. It reminded her of her dad. Absentmindedly taking notes, sometimes even adding small drawings, she remembered, how he had always told, and one time even showed her, where he would go to gather the best berries.

“You have to take these”, he had showed her, pointing to a berry. “If you want them to taste sour, you have to take the others. And the dark red ones…” He pointed to a berry near the ground, “they’re very sweet. But they will be bad in a few days, so if you want to save them, take them.”

Kindergarten-Eva had loved the concept of rescuing the berries, so they wouldn’t feel bad, if every other berry got picked but they didn't, so she always took the berries, that shone in the deepest red.

Her father had smiled at her and pointed into the woods. “And back there… there is one of the most beautiful clearings.”

“Are there flowers and butterflies?”, Eva had asked, and he nodded. So, they went there and ate the berries they had gathered. He had showed her all kinds of flowers, she had never seen before.

Before they left, her father lifted her up and she got to sit on his shoulders. “You have to thank the forest, for letting you take the berries. It’s very nice of him”, he told her and while he carried her back to the car, Eva had stroked over various tree branches and thanked them.

She still ate the berries, that shone in the deepest red, before eating the others.

If she just hoped hard enough, maybe she and her dad would get to gather them again someday.

* * *

“Ok, so: We’re going to practice every day from now on!”, Cairo announced. “Since the stands will be replaced in the afternoon and the gym will be newly painted, we’ll have to practice during school hours.”

Kate groaned. She was already busy studying for the math exam, how was she supposed to manage missing so many lessons?

“Reese is already working on a new routine and in a week, we have to know it perfectly for the match.”

“Why is there even a match?”, Annleigh asked, reluctantly putting down her phone to look at Cairo.

“It’s for practice, but we still have to give a hundred per cent. Because that’s what makes us the Tigers, we’re…”

“Shut up, Cai, you sound like Riley”, Kate interrupted, absentmindedly running her fingers over the scar on her thigh.

Cairo looked at her and took a deep breath. Her voice was trembling when she spoke again. “What did you say?”

Kate looked up and shook her head, dismissing the subject. “Nothing”, she murmured. It surprised her, how quickly she had backed down again. Cairo continued - something about a routine and then decided to warm up, before practicing the old and starting the new routine.

Kate’s mind was completely elsewhere all the time. The events of the last night just wouldn’t get out of her head. They kept digging themselves deeper and deeper under Kate’s skin and stayed there, like an itch, she couldn’t scratch. She had tried, but that had only ended in her arm looking like it was sunburnt.

“You’re not my daughter anymore”, the words repeated in her head.

“I don’t have to apologize”, she told herself. “I don’t have to fucking apologize, he screamed at me. He hit me. He went away.”

“But you made him go”, her brain whispered. “You were the one who made him go away in the first place. Now he’s going to rot in the streets, because he’s got nowhere to stay.”

“Why should that fucking bother me?”

Her brain couldn’t provide a rational answer, still it felt like Kate’s answer wasn’t justified.

Cairo ordered them to get into formation, Reese in the front, so everyone could copy her movements. Eva smiled slightly at Kate, when their eyes met, and she smiled back. The bell rang and they moved on to the new routine. It was incredibly complicated, Kate would always admire Reese for being able to prepare it by herself.

It happened, when they went through it a seventh time. Mattie did a flip and Reese a split, while Kate and Eva, on opposite sides, were supposed to turn around on one foot, kicking the other in the air. Suddenly an indescribable pain flashed through Kate’s knee and spread through all her body. She fell to the ground, crying out in pain and clutching onto her knee. The routine went on, only Annleigh noticing Kate on the ground and she shouted at the others to kill the music, they had turned on.

Tears trickled down Kate’s cheeks and she clenched her teeth. But even in this moment, she couldn’t think of herself. “Déjà freaking vu, ha Chess?”, she muttered bitterly. But not like a year ago, where Kate had come running towards her best friend, did Chess come running now. Instead it was Eva, who knelt next to her and carefully palpated her knee.

“What happened?”, Annleigh asked, clearly worried and sat down next to Kate, too. Kate didn’t like, that she paid so much attention to her, ever since the call, but she answered anyway.

“Kneecap.” She clenched one of her fists. “I twisted it and my kneecap nearly left its place.”

“But it didn’t”, Cairo stated, and Kate looked up at her. “Come on, you’ll be fine. It was just a patellar subluxation, these don’t hurt.”

“How fucking dumb are you, Cairo? Does it look like it _doesn’t_ hurt?”, Kate snapped. Eva put her hand onto Kate’s, but Kate pulled it away. “Do you think I’d be lying on the ground now, if it didn’t hurt!?”

“Kate, calm down”, Eva murmured, wiping away a tear from Kate’s cheek.

“Well, you have to lie down, that’s for sure”, Reese stated. “And put a cold pack onto it. Better go home.”

Kate flipped Reese the bird. “I can’t go home now, genius, I can’t miss math!”

“Math is your least favorite subject, shouldn’t you be happy to go home”, Mattie asked confused and Kate bit her lip.

“Fuck’s sake”, she muttered at her own stupidity. Only her parents and Mr. Hervick knew, that she was failing. Stupid, stupid, stupid. She had to get some rest and get her brain less fogged up.

The combination of the events of the last hours made her understand, why Farrah had been drinking alcohol all the time, even though she knew nothing about Farrah’s demons. But maybe the painkillers would do the numbing, too.

“Fine, I’ll go home.” She tried to stand up but couldn’t even put pressure onto the knee for a few seconds, the pain instantly multiplying.

Eva lay her arm around her torso and supported her. “You can’t drive like this, are you crazy?”, Cairo said, and Kate rolled her eyes.

“I thought subluxations aren’t that big of a deal”, she glared at Cairo, who rolled her eyes as well.

“You stay here”, she told the other’s, while walking up to Kate. “I’m going to drive you home”, she stated, and Kate broke out into laughter.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”, she asked. “You want to drive me? Couldn’t you just throw me onto the highway instead?” Eva didn’t say anything, but once again she patted Kate’s back calmly, trying to keep her from getting too invested into the fight.

“I’m the captain and the best driver of us all, you ought to thank me”, Cairo snapped back and walked out of the gym, Kate reluctantly following her with Eva’s help.

“I’ll bring you a bandage and some painkillers, as soon as I can”, Eva promised. Kate thanked her and kissed her, before sitting down in Cairo’s car. Cairo started the engine and pulled out of the parking lot.

“Shouldn’t you have told the secretary that we’re leaving?”, Kate asked.

“As if you care”, Cairo scoffed and kept her eyes focused onto the road. “How is Eva by the way?”

Kate shrugged, not wanting to give away too much information about her girlfriend. Not that she had information to give away. “I guess she’s better than yesterday”, she said truthfully.

“Tell her, that we’ll always be there for her”, Cairo said, and Kate nodded. “I will tell her, too. Just maybe remind her sometimes.”

“I will. Turn right here.”

After a few minutes of silence, Cairo spoke again. “What you said back there, about me sounding like Riley… Did you mean it?”

“Are you trying to start a deep talk or something? You don’t have to talk to me, just because I’m injured.” Kate had been hurt too many times by people she trusted, she wouldn’t allow Cairo to see just a small fraction of how vulnerable she was. Of how she hid it behind humor and snarky comments. “Turn left here.”

Cairo turned left. “I’m just wondering, ok?! I want to be a good captain, I’m just stressed out. And Riley…”

“You already _are_ a good captain, Riley’s a maniac”, Kate corrected her.

“She’s still my friend, though”, Cairo murmured, but dropped the subject. “Look, I didn’t mean what I said about subluxation and shit. Turn right here?”

Kate confirmed Cairo’s suspicion of the way and laughed slightly. “Is this going to be an apology?”

“Not if you call it that.”

The conversation ended at this, none of them feeling the need to continue anymore. Kate thanked Cairo for driving her and Cairo even supported her until she was standing at the front door. They said goodbye, not much friendlier than they usually did, and Kate leaned onto the walls, jumping in.

She entered the kitchen, in search of a cold pack, and found herself eye to eye with her father. Her heart stopped dead in its tracks. “What the fuck are you doing here?”, she asked, not feeling a hint of fear.

He looked up from the suitcase he was carrying and glared at her. “I told you not to talk to me ever again!”

“Too late, what are you doing here? Get out!” Kate’s heart was still pounding from the adrenaline and she hopped closer to her father.

“I’m getting my stuff, you fucking moron”, he growled. “As if I’d ever want to see you or your fucking mother again!”

His words hurt. But not enough to make Kate break. “Then get out. Get the fuck out.” Her voice was silent now, dripping with contempt. “And leave your keys here, we don’t want to see you ever again.”

The adrenaline faded now, and her heart was pounding heavier in her chest, as her father took his suitcase and pushed Kate back against a wall, to get out of the house, a cloud of the scent of alcohol following him. She hissed, when she accidentally put pressure onto her knee, but followed her father nevertheless.

“Your keys”, she demanded, keeping a safe distance from him.

He spat onto the floor. “As if I’d ever even think of coming back here.” He pulled out his keys and hurled them into Kate’s direction, before he closed the door and left. They hit Kate’s temple and she felt blood dripping down her forehead. She picked up the keys and pocketed them, hopped into the kitchen to press a towel to her head, followed by a band-aid. Somehow, she managed to get up the stairs into her room, the pain spreading from her knee increasing rapidly every second and she lay down, putting the cold pack right onto her knee.

She sighed in exhaustion and smiled a little, when she saw a text from Eva, telling her, that she would come over as soon as possible. Letting go of a breath she closed her eyes.

Not apologizing to that asshole of a father had been the best decision she had ever made. At least that's what _she_ thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess what? We'll meet Kate's and Eva's siblings in the next chapter! And you know what that means? So. much. more. angst. But until then: Thank you for reading, it means a lot! I'll read you next time!!


	9. Before the breakdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Literally what the chapter title says. There'll be a breakdown in the next chapter, this is what happens before that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song "Before the breakdown" from "We are the tigers"

Eva waved Reese goodbye and waited for the bus, that would take her to the hospital. Students were throwing stuff at each other and wrestled playfully. They were talking about dates and their weekend plans in general. Meanwhile Eva would have to work the whole weekend and check in on Kate.

She got on the bus, sat down in the back and pulled out her headphones, like she always did, but the closer she got to the hospital, the faster her heart pumped the blood through her body.

“Chill”, she ordered herself, clenching her fists as hard as possible, and then letting go. It immediately filled her with a certain kind of relaxation. A kind, that made her whole body feel warm and secure.

She focused onto her breath all the time she spent in the hospital, but her thoughts wandered nevertheless.

Had her mother told her brothers about their father already? It must be even harder for them to understand. Jacob had just started elementary school and Oskar was only two years older than him. It already broke Eva to think of it – how would they cope, when their father was de-? She stopped her train of thought.

No.

She waited patiently to be called in and nearly jumped with joy like Mattie had done at school this morning, when the cast was removed. Apparently, her wrist hadn’t been broken after all and she was only told to look after it. Suddenly the atmosphere of the hospital wasn’t all that intimidating anymore.

She went to Toni's and asked for extra shifts and her boss praised her for the commitment. She couldn’t fully share his excitement about it, thinking about the Biology exam she would have to take in a few days and an essay, that still waited to be written, but smiled at him politely.

When he had asked her, why she wanted to work even more, she had shaken it off and told him, that she just wanted to experience a hint of the real work life.

It was probably the biggest lie she had ever told. Right next to “I’m fine”.

She promised to start her shift on time and took a bus home.

Her mother greeted her smiling warmly. “How was school today?”

“Ok. How was work?”

Her mother twisted her mouth but shrugged. “Nothing special, just… work.”

Eva could sense, who her mother was thinking off and hurried to end the conversation. “I’m going to take a few more shifts at Toni’s”, she informed her. She didn’t dare addressing the money-problem directly.

“That’s great, sweetie”, her mother smiled tiredly. Eva informed her, that she would leave earlier than she usually did to visit Kate and then went to her room.

“Hey Eva”, Oskar murmured, when she passed him, and she greeted him back. He returned to doing his homework, incredibly proud, that he was already old enough to do so.

Eva closed the door behind her and took a breath, pulling out her wallet. There was practically nothing in it, but it would be enough for the painkillers and the bandage she wanted to buy. And that was all that mattered.

“If you care about the world, the world will care about you”, her father’s words echoed in her brain. “Always be kind.”

“I will, Dad. I promise you, I will.” She pocketed her wallet again and threw herself onto the mattress she used as a bed and couch.

She heard her mother making phone calls. Her voice was silent, but it was loud enough for Eva to hear. “Yeah, she’s working, too. How much did you say?”

Silence.

“Please tell me this is a joke.”

Silence.

Her mother took a deep breath. “Ok, I’ll call you back. Thank you for now.”

There were a few seconds of silence, until Eva heard her again. “Hello. Yes, it’s Barbara again. Listen, they won’t give us anything, maybe a hundred dollars maximum.” Eva rolled around onto her back. “I already asked, but they won’t let me. It’s a rule they’ve had since forever. Can’t you… Oh, ok.”

Eva pressed the palms of her hands onto her eyes, cursing herself. She was a kid in High School, she shouldn’t worry about money!

But she did. So, she added a little note to a newly rendered list in her brain, to check the green board right next to the entrance of her school for jobs. Maybe she would find a job, that she could do while also working at Toni’s. The time, until she left the house to visit Kate and work, was spent with starting an essay and revising the pages in her Biology textbook for the exam in the following week.

“Human cells are able to destroy themselves, if there’s no other way.”

* * *

“Kate.”

She turned around and found herself in front of a mirror, seemingly behind the glass stood her best friend. Kate was wearing the flannel, that was covered in blood stains again. It would never change.

“Chess?” Her voice got caught in her throat. Slowly she walked towards her, reaching out her hand. Chess was mirroring her movements, standing still in her place.

“You have to stop dreaming so much”, Chess sighed, and Kate sighed as well.

“But it’s the only way I can talk to you, without people thinking I’m crazy.” She hugged herself, as if she was trying to hold herself together and moved closer to the mirror again. She only saw Chess in it. “Besides, my knee doesn’t hurt in here. You should know what I mean.”

Chess nodded and smiled her signature understanding-smile. “Yeah, I know. But you’re going to manage it better than I did.”

_Did._

The fact, that Chess used the imperfect, made Kate’s heart hurt.

“You were doing well”, Kate argued silently.

“I wasn’t, Kate, you know that.”

“But you could have.” Kate refused to accept, that Chess thought of herself that way.

“It’s too late for that now”, Chess said, as if Kate didn’t understand, what she was talking about. The problem was, that she _did_ understand and that she wanted nothing more than to forget about it. As long as she was busy doing anything else, she didn’t have to worry about it, but like this, right now, she was constantly reminded of reality.

She was just a teenager in High School! She shouldn’t have to worry about a dead best friend!

“I’m sorry”, Kate apologized, and Chess shook her head.

“It’s ok. I understand how you feel.”

“I guess you're alone there”, Kate mumbled gloomily and looked down. “Hey, uh, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure, always.”

Kate buried her hands in the pockets of her jeans and sighed. “Look, I know this is stupid and insensitive, but I was just wondering… how did it feel? To… you know.”

“I don’t know”, Chess answered, it sounded like it was the truth. “I really don’t know. I just… remember screaming and then it was over.”

Kate let go of a breath and looked up. “The knife…” She stopped herself after these words. She wouldn’t ask Chess about it. “I’m sorry. For starting a fight with you that night”, she murmured. “I… I shouldn’t have been such an asshole, I’m sorry.”

If she hadn’t left, Chess would be alive right now. They would share a banana split at their favorite ice cream parlor, even though it was for too cold for that and complain about how their brains would freeze. Life would be good, and Kate would have someone to talk to about her father.

“It’s ok, this isn’t your fault.”

She wouldn’t hold herself back from telling Eva, because she would tell Chess everything, too. Eva was already so wrapped up worrying about her father, Kate wouldn’t be yet another burden.

“But I acted like the biggest asshole in the history of assholes. I shouldn’t have judged you, I should have helped you, I’m sorry.” Kate’s hands started shaking at the memory of the night. How she had stormed off, without even trying to understand or listen to her best friend.

She was the reason she was dead.

“Kate, listen to me.” Chess looked at her, so much care swirling in her eyes. “It wasn’t your fault. I could have gotten better, but I didn’t. It’s over now, it’s in the past. So, please don’t beat yourself up about it.”

Kate’s eyes were shimmering with tears. “I’m so sorry.”

Chess opened her arms, to hug her and Kate collapsed forward. But of course, her best friend was gone. Instead she was hugging the mirror – her own reflection, and the tears immediately rolled down her cheeks. She was alone all over again. And it was her own fault, that she was alone.

Kate awoke with a start and sat up straight in her bed. She took a shaky breath and leaned back again. Her best friend was right, she should really stop dreaming that much.

She grabbed her phone and entered the passcode to distract herself. After scrolling down various social medias, she shot her mother a text, telling her, that she was home now because of an injury, and that her father had been home, too, but was gone now.

The little detail about him hurling the keys against her forehead she didn’t mention.

A short “Ok” appeared as an answer to the text.

Kate hopped to her desk and sat down, pulling out a small piece of paper and writing down all the things she still had to do to keep herself busy. When she was finished, she taped it to her laptop. Her phone rang, when she opened her math textbook and she frowned at the name.

“Frank?”, she asked. “Why are you calling?”

“Wow, what a nice way to greet me”, her brother replied sarcastically, and Kate rolled her eyes. He was the one who had never called or answered her texts, he didn’t get to play the victim now.

“What do you want?”, she asked, putting the phone on speaker and wincing, when she accidentally hit her knee on the table leg.

“God, ok, calm down. I just wanted to ask, if y’all are home.”

Kate pulled out her notebook and opened it, impatiently tapping a pen onto the paper. “I’m home, why?”

“Cool, how long will you be home for?”

“Frank, what is all this about?” Kate didn’t have the energy to be kidded by her brother right now.

“I’ll come over in a few minutes”, Frank explained hurriedly.

“What the fuck, no! Why?”

But Frank had already hung up. Kate rolled her eyes and sighed, pulling herself up and hopping down to the living room. A few seconds later the doorbell rang, and Kate opened it, to find her brother standing in front of her, wearing an oversized sweatshirt and baggy jeans.

“Hey!”, he grinned and pushed Kate to the side, to get in. It reminded her too much of her father. “Where are mom and dad?”

“Mom’s at work, what are you doing here?” Kate followed him into the living room, where he sat down and grinned, like the place belonged to him.

“I was just in the neighborhood and decided to visit my family. There’s nothing wrong with that.” Only now did he decide to slip out of his shoes and left them standing on the carpet.

Kate sat down on a chair, supporting her knee with her hand and raised an eyebrow. “You go to school at the other end of the country, why the fuck would you be around in the neighborhood?”

He grinned and pulled something out of his pocket. “Graduated earlier than anyone”, he said proudly, a shit eating grin on his face. “Thought I’d show y’all in person.”

Kate’s heart stung at this and her thoughts wandered to her father again. Why couldn’t she just be as smart as her brothers? Everything would be so much easier. “Cool”, she responded dryly. “And what do you want to do now?”

“I’ll join the military”, he said, making it sound like an honor. “I’ll serve our land.”

Kate’s breath got caught in her throat. “Are you crazy?”

Frank laughed and acted, as if he was wiping sweat off his forehead. “I’m kidding, Jeez! I’m not stupid enough to get my head blown off by some morons. I’ll work on researching scientific phenomena.”

Kate let go of a breath and nodded. “Ok, good. Now, if you don’t mind: Please do me a favor and get out of here. I’ve got some shit to do and my girlfriend’s coming over soon.” She pulled herself out of the chair.

Frank frowned and stood up. “Girlfriend?”

Kate’s heart skipped a beat, but she nodded nevertheless. “Yes, girlfriend. Now go.”

“You’re gay?”

If a conversation, Kate didn’t want to have existed, it was this one. “Yes, gay as a bucket of wigs. Now go! I’ll call you when mom’s home.”

She took his shoes and pushed Frank out of the living room to the door, opened it and pushed him out. She would not get hurt yet another time, just because she didn’t love someone the way others did.

“You’re a dy-?”

Kate slammed the door shut into his face and leaned her head against the door, tears alraedy glistening in the corners of her eyes. Why did her family have to be so incredibly conservative?

“Yo, Kate, let me back in!”

“Shut the fuck up Frank. You can come again, when mom’s here!”, she shouted and blinked away the tears. A minute later she heard knocking on the door again. “I said go the fuck away!”, she shouted opening it, but silenced abruptly, when she saw Eva standing in front of her.

“Uh, I…”

“Oh no, shit, I’m sorry”, Kate quickly apologized and hopped to the side, to let Eva in. “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.”

Eva came in and kissed Kate’s cheek, before taking off her shoes. “Was it a salesman or something?”

“No, my brother”, Kate shook her head. “But that doesn’t matter now. Do you want to go up to my room?”

Eva nodded and immediately lay her arm around Kate’s torso, to help her up. Kate was surprised, at how much easier it was to walk with her girlfriend's support and smiled, her heart already feeling at ease. She thanked Eva more than just one time, loving how she blushed every time. In her room she lay down on her bed and Eva pulled out a bandage, to wrap around Kate’s knee.

“Your cast is gone”, Kate noted, and Eva looked at her smiling. The smile reached her eyes - was so true, Kate couldn’t even believe that it was real.

“Yeah, it is. Turns out it wasn’t a fracture after all.”

Kate reached for Eva’s hand, that had been in a cast for the last days, and squeezed it slightly. “How was it at the hospital?”, she asked carefully.

Eva looked up from Kate’s knee and tried to smile at her reassuringly. “It was ok”, she said, sounding a bit exhausted. “Not as bad as I thought it would be.”

“That’s good.” She squeezed her girlfriend's hand again. 

Eva handed her a small pill. “Swallow that, it will ease the pain. The pharmacist said, that you should be fine by tomorrow, if you rest your knee, since it was your first subluxation.”

Kate took the pill and swallowed it. “Thank you. I’ll pay you back as soon as I can.”

“You don’t have to”, Eva repelled and pressed a quick kiss to Kate’s lips, finished with putting on the bandage. “I only want you to feel good. Do you need anything that I should get you?”

Kate blushed. “Maybe if you could get me my phone, that would be great.”

Eva went over to Kate’s desk and got the phone, frowning at the mess. “Why are their equations everywhere? I thought you hated math”, she asked, walking back to Kate, and sitting down on the bed next to her.

Kate rested her head on Eva’s shoulder before even thinking of it and sighed. “I have to study”, she murmured, looking down at her bracelet and her heart pounding a bit harder. “I might be… kind of failing.” Scared of Eva’s reaction, she took a deep breath to brace herself.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”, Eva only asked, putting an arm around Kate to pull her closer. Kate let go of the breath. The pill was already starting to do its work.

“I didn’t want you to worry about me”, she murmured.

“You don’t ever have to keep something from me”, Eva answered gently. “Really, anything. If you want to tell me, you can.”

For a moment, Kate toyed with the idea of just telling Eva everything. About her father, how she kept seeing Chess and just couldn’t get the idea out of her head, that the scar on her thigh had been caused by the same knife, that had killed her and that she just couldn’t understand, how she lived while Chess died. About how guilty she felt, about fighting with Chess before she died.

But she didn’t.

“Ditto for you”, she said instead and smiled a little, when Eva kissed her forehead.

The calmness was destroyed by the ringing of Kate’s phone and she picked up reluctantly, frowning at the name. “Hey Martin”, she greeted her oldest brother; Eva looked at her confused.

“Hey!”, the deep voice Kate hadn’t heard in over a year crackled at the other end of the line. “Listen. Dad called me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW that this isn't a lot of angst, but it's the evolution of their relationship after all, and sometimes they're just cute together and suppress their worries, to live a happier life. The angst will return, though! Until then: Thanks for reading and I'll read you next time!!


	10. A broken What If

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, I didn't mean to write more words than I usually do, I'm sorry

Kate’s hand started shaking and she cleared her throat, lifting her head from Eva’s shoulder. Eva’s gaze followed her. She raised an eyebrow at her.

“Ok”, Kate replied dumbfoundedly to what her brother had said, trying to get her heartbeat under control. “What… what did he want?”

There were a few seconds of silence, until her brother replied again. “He told me what you and mom did to him.” There was so much hate in his voice, it made Kate’s heart ache. She didn’t even know, how to reply. Her hand held onto Eva’s a bit harder.

“Listen, Kate, I know that being a teenager is confusing, but Dad did nothing wrong.” Kate’s breath caught. “Dad only wanted to keep you on the right path.”

She found her voice again and pressed the phone a bit harder to her ear. “What the fuck. Are you trying to tell me, that…”

“I don’t want you to change”, Martin interrupted, as if he was talking to a child, that had just discovered, how good cake tastes. “I just want you to think about your choices. Look, Dad is smart, and it was smart of him to go, but…”

“What do you want Martin?” Her heart ached and she already felt new tears in her eyes. But when she felt Eva’s hand in hers again, she blinked them away.

“It would be for the better, if you and mom took him back. And if you change your behavior towards him.”

Eva still looked at Kate confused, but she couldn’t bring herself to bother. “What the hell did he tell you, Martin?”

“I’m just saying, that you shouldn’t use violence against him again. That can really shape a person, especially someone as hard-working as Dad”, he said calmly.

“What?”, Kate shrieked. She didn’t care, that Eva was sitting right next to her. “You’re hoaxing me, he didn’t tell you that, did he?!”

“Calm down, Kate, I just want…”

“Cut it with the_ I just care about you-shit_ and answer my question: What the fuck did he tell you?”

There were a few seconds of silence on the other side of the line, which Kate used to regain her composure.

“Shouldn’t you know better than anyone?”, her brother asked. “Kate, I know that it’s hard to control emotions, especially at your age and that you’ve never been one to think before acting, but you can’t just hit someone, only because…”

“What?”, Kate interrupted loudly. “Do you really think… Martin, how fucking dumb are you? _He_ hit _me_! He ran away! I didn’t do a single fucking thing!”

Eva looked at her startled and mouthed the words “Who hit you?”, but Kate shook it off.

“I know you’re confused, especially because of this whole gay thing, but he ran away, because you hit him. He may have given you another reason, but he just couldn’t live with you abusing him anymore. Maybe he just used, that you’re a dy-“

“Martin!”, Kate interrupted him loudly, her voice shaking even harder than her hands, when she continued. “Please, do yourself a favor and end this conversation, before I come crawling through the phone and kill you, I swear to god.”

“You know, I’m not sure if god will accept you, if you don’t stop being a dy-“

“Shut up, fuckface! Shut the fuck up!” She ended the call and let her phone fall to the mattress, taking a shaky breath and biting down on her bottom lip.

Eva scooted a bit closer to her and squeezed her hand. She looked up into Eva’s eyes, her own already filling with tears and swallowed hard. “Sorry”, she apologized lamely and tried to take a deep breath, failing miserably. “I- my brother’s just an asshole.”

“Do you want me to stay?”, Eva asked caringly. “I could just cancel my shift and…”

“No, no, no. It’s ok, please don’t”, Kate repelled. “It’s ok, he’s just… awful.”

“Was he the one who hit you?”

Kate looked into Eva’s eyes and swallowed the lump in her throat, shaking her head. “No, that was – that was a misunderstanding. Don’t worry about it. It’s… it’s ok.” She was sure, that she wouldn’t be able to speak normally ever again.

She had known, that her father was an asshole, but him telling her brother, that _she_ was the one who had hit _him_… That _she_ was the one, who made him go away. As if she had made his life a living hell. And Martin believed him! It all felt like a big joke the universe had planned out just for her. Like a room on fire, that she had been locked in, without a way out. She was lost.

“Kate!”

She snapped out of her thoughts and looked at Eva, who was reaching out, to cup her cheek. Kate hadn’t even noticed the tear escaping her eye, until Eva wiped it off.

“I’m sorry”, she mumbled sniffing, restraining herself from letting yet another tear fall.

“I can stay, Kate. Really. We can watch a movie and just do nothing.”

“No, please don’t. I… you have to work, and I have to study.”

The real reason was, that Kate didn’t want Eva to see her in the state she was in. The more she thought about it, the more something similar to a storm erupted in her head and she couldn’t take it. It all added up to be too much.

In that moment someone knocked on the door and it opened right afterwards. Her mother came in but stopped at the sight of Eva.

“Oh, you’re here, too?” The disfavor in her voice couldn’t be overheard.

“She brought me a bandage and pills for my knee”, Kate quickly defended Eva and pointed to her knee. “And her shift only starts in a bit of time, so she's here.” Kate didn’t want to snap at her mother, but it happened anyways.

“I’m not blaming anything on you, calm down”, her mother said, as if she read her mind, lifting her hands up in a deprecating gesture. “Still, don’t you need to study?”

Kate sighed and pointed to her desk. “I already studied more than enough, I’m just taking a break.”

Eva seemed a bit helpless and Kate wanted nothing more desperately than for her mother to leave, so she could just lie down and let herself breathe for once. She didn’t want her to make yet another comment about Eva.

“Fine”, her mother reluctantly gave in, but instead of leaving like Kate had prayed for her to do, she leaned against the doorframe. “Why didn’t you tell me, that your brother was here?”, she asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

“Your brother was here?”, Eva asked, making Kate look at her. “The one who called you?”

Kate shook her head expressively. “No, not that one. The other”, she explained gently.

“Martin called you?”, her mother intervened, and Kate sighed, looking away from Eva and at her mother again. She looked like she always did, maybe a bit more tired. But since her father had left the day before, nothing had changed. Her gaze was still as piercing as always, when she questioned anything Kate did.

“Yeah, he did. And I didn’t tell you about Frank, because Eva came over right after he left and you just came home”, Kate explained tiredly, squeezing Eva’s hand to show her, that she wasn’t blaming her for anything.

“Ok, well, maybe you should really spend more time on schoolwork, I don’t want you to fail.” With that her mother turned around and left the room, closing the door behind her.

Kate let go of a breath. For a short moment she considered running after her mother, and asking her, what the hell this had been supposed to be - telling her, that she reminded Kate of her father far too much.

“She doesn’t mean it that way”, she instead told Eva and tried to smile reassuringly. Keeping the facade up became harder and harder every second.

Kate heard the doorbell from downstairs and how her brother greeted their mother loudly. She rolled her eyes. “That’s my brother”, she explained to Eva. “He’s… I don’t know.”

“You don’t seem to like him very much”, Eva stated, and Kate let out a bitter laugh.

“Yeah, that’s pretty accurate.” She glanced at her phone and then looked back at Eva. “When do you have to leave, by the way?”

Eva looked at Kate’s phone, too and sighed. “Ten minutes.”

Kate sighed as well. “Will I see you tomorrow?”, she asked, and Eva looked at her helplessly.

“I don’t know. I have to work and since it’s a Saturday I might work all day.”

The realization, that Kate would have to manage spending time with her brother alone, knocked all the air out of her lungs and made her wish, that the knife hadn’t landed in her thigh once again. Together with Chess everything would be easier.

“Can we talk on the phone?”

“Sure.” Eva smiled and pressed a short kiss to the corner of Kate’s mouth.

She smiled a little and kissed Eva again, before she got up to leave. “Call me later?”

“Absolutely.”

The thought of at least being able to talk to Eva on the phone made Kate relax a bit and she smiled at her, when she left, thanking her for the bandage and painkillers again. Eva closed the door and in the next second, Kate’s phone rang again.

She read Martin’s name on the display and hurled her phone across the room, pressed a pillow to her face and breathed. In and out. In and out.

* * *

Eva hurried to the bike she always used for deliveries and hopped onto it. Only one more house and she would be done for the day. She was already craving after laying down and letting her eyes fall shut.

She frowned at the address. It seemed familiar, but she didn’t think any more of it.

It was already dark outside, so she was thankful, that this was the last pizza she had to deliver. The cold night air was refreshing, made Eva feel awake and tired at the same time. It seemed to blow all worries out of her brain and made her feel at ease.

That was until she pulled into the street and suddenly recognized its name. The only difference to the address she had memorized, was the number. It was number 15, not 16.

She got off the bike and walked towards number 15, but her gaze was drawn to the other house. Absentmindedly she pressed the doorbell and turned towards it. She hated gated communities. They weren’t welcoming or felt like they were real. But this house had yet another thing to it.

It was the house, where the sleepover had happened. Her heart skipped a beat at the thought. She had never wanted to remember it again.

Yet here she was.

This was the place, where Riley had shoved the knife into Kate’s thigh. She would never forget the look in her girlfriend’s eyes. So scared and hurt. Once again, Eva was more than thankful, that Riley was in prison.

The only good thing this memory contained, was the knowledge, that the knife had only landed in Kate’s thigh. Eva couldn’t even begin to think, what would have happened, if Riley had aimed for higher on Kate’s body.

She was finally let in, handed the pizza over with the smile she always used to do so and then hurried back to her bike.

She left the place with shivers rolling down her spine.

At Toni’s she said goodbye to everyone and then went to the bus station, deciding to just call Kate right now. Something told her, that her girlfriend was waiting for a call.

But when she wanted to take her phone out of her pocket, she felt nothing. Discouraged she found, that she had forgotten her phone at Kate’s place. So, instead of going home, she took the bus, that took her to the direction of Kate's house.

Eva wasn’t one to be afraid in the dark, still she was thankful, when she reached Kate’s place and saw lights from the inside. She rang the doorbell and soon after Kate’s mother opened the door.

She frowned. “Didn’t Kate say, that you had to work?” Someone else joined her, tall, blonde hair, wearing an oversized hoodie and baggy jeans. He kind of reminded Eva of Kurt Cobain, even though she’d much rather meet Kurt Cobain than him.

“You must be Kate’s brother”, she said carefully, and he nodded grinning.

“And you are…?”, he smirked flirtingly, reaching out a hand. Eva didn’t take it.

“Kate’s girlfriend”, she explained shortly and let her gaze wander to the stairs. “I’m sorry to disturb you this late, but I left my phone here and was wondering if I could just go up to Kate’s room and get it.”

Kate’s mother nodded. “Of course”, she said; it sounded a bit too genuine in Eva’s opinion. But nevertheless, she took off her shoes and went up the stairs.

“You’re the one who turned her into _that_?”, she heard the voice of the Kurt Cobain – lookalike and turned around in the middle of the stairs.

“What?”

The young man came towards her, but Kate’s mother shot him a meaningful look. “Come on Frank, why don’t you tell me about your studies some more”, she said, her voice not fitting her expression at all. She looked at Eva apologizingly and then pulled Frank with her.

Eva now understood, why Kate couldn’t stand her brother.

* * *

Kate let her fingers wander over the scar again and she looked up from the equations she had started: Higher degree polynomial functions. They were a lot harder to solve, but also more distracting.

She leaned against the back of the chair, tearing her eyes loose from her phone again. Martin had called her five times since the last time and she had answered none of the calls. Just the thought, that her own brother could think, that she was guilty of their father being a maniac, made her eyes tear up.

Taking a deep breath, she tore her eyes loose from the point she had been staring at and decided to return to the equations. But before she could even do that, something appeared in front of her.

She blinked rapidly, but it didn’t disappear. Chess was standing in front of her once again. She immediately looked down and saw the flannel. But there were no bloodstains.

“Come on, Kate. Eva cares about you. Don’t hold your head up that high, it won’t do you any good. Just tell her about Martin.” Chess sounded so disappointed in her, Kate swallowed hard. She closed the notebook and put her pen down, rubbing her eyes afterwards.

Chess was still standing right in front of her, smiling at her frantically. “Just tell her. You can’t keep talking to no one but me, Kate. You’re hurting yourself more than doing any good.”

“But-“, Kate started, but was interrupted. Suddenly Chess screamed and there was a knife in her thigh, right where Kate’s scar was located. She jumped back on her chair, her eyes never leaving Chess’.

“Chess, what…?”

In the next moment a second knife appeared out of nowhere and Kate saw Riley holding it. She saw the exact moment Riley jammed it into Chess and her best friend screamed in pain.

“Chess!” Her voice was desperate, and she was scared. So incredibly scared.

Riley smiled at her. “What? I just cut her from the team. It’s not like I killed her.”

“You literally killed her”, Kate wanted to scream, but what came out was a whisper.

“Oh, come on Kate. You’ve still got Eva left.”

“But- she’s my best friend!” Kate wanted to stand up and run towards Riley, give her a taste of her own medicine, but her knee wouldn’t let her.

She was left watching Chess bleed out on the floor.

She looked down and with every passing second, every blood drop that landed on the floor, appeared on her flannel.

“Don’t you understand, Kate?” Riley started again. “Chess was so weak, so incredibly weak, she just let herself get murdered. This…”, she pointed to Chess, “is justified. First, she swallowed pill after pill and then she let herself get murdered. How incredibly weak. Just like you.”

Kate’s heartbeat increased. “You’re lying, she… Chess was incredible, she could have pulled herself out of it!”

“Like you pulled yourself out?”, Riley smiled smugly. “Like you decided to talk to Eva, but never did? Like you let yourself be eaten up by worries and frustration?”

Kate’s hands started shaking. “I…” It didn’t work, she started again. “I…” Tears sprang to her eyes.

“Can’t talk anymore? Oh, don’t cry, Katy. It’s not your fault. Sometimes discovering the truth is painful, didn't you know that?” Chess lay silently on the floor. 

“Kate”, a voice from far away said.

“Riley, you’re not yourself”, Kate choked out. “You… look, I never made you responsible for killing her, never even mentioned it to you. Please don’t do that to me now!”

“Sometimes I really think I should have jammed the knife into you, too”, Riley said absentmindedly, pulling both knives out of Chess’ body. Her eyes were already closed. Kate couldn’t hear, if she was breathing.

“Kate”, the voice called again.

“Are you saying that… that…” Had it been the same knife? Had she just watched her best friend getting murdered, with the knife, that would cause her to carry a scar, that would always remind her of it? “Was it the same?”, she choked out

Riley smiled at her. “I don’t know, Kate. Was it?”

Kate awoke with a start, shooting up from her desk and the notebooks she had used as a pillow and looked around. Her heart was beating so hard, it would jump out of her chest in just a few seconds.

She met Eva’s eyes and let go of a breath. “Wha-“, she started confused, but couldn’t end the sentence. Tears were taking her voice from her.

“Kate?”, Eva asked putting her hand onto Kate’s shoulder.

“E-“

Again, the tears wouldn’t let her end the sentence. Her thoughts couldn’t escape the nightmare.

_Like you pulled yourself out?_

Riley was right. She was weak, she was so incredibly weak. And still she had lived. Still, the knife had murdered Chess and not her. Still…

“Do you think it was the same?”, she choked out, the whole extent of tears finally streaming down her face.

“What?” Eva carefully took Kate’s hand and made her look into her eyes.

“The knife”, Kate wept. “Do you think it was the same as the one that-“ She was cut off by a sob and her eyes clung harder onto Eva’s. They were the only thing in the world, that could freeze her thoughts, even from behind a curtain of tears. “The one that…” Her brain wouldn’t let her say the words.

She knew that they were true, knew, that there was nothing wrong with just saying them out loud, but she couldn’t. She looked at Eva helplessly, her eyes shutting every few seconds, making more tears land in her lap.

“Come here”, Eva murmured and opened her arms. Kate collapsed into them, sobbing violently and clutching onto Eva’s shirt, she buried her face in the crook of Eva's neck. The tears left big stains on Eva’s shirt, but all Kate could do was pulling herself closer to Eva, holding the shirt in a death grip, as if everything would collapse, if she let go.

Little did Kate know, that the world had already collapsed.

“I’m scared”, she sobbed. “It- what if it was the same… the same knife?”

Eva rubbed soothing circles onto Kate’s back, keeping quiet.

“What if it was the same knife, that killed her? What if… fuck we were fighting, and I walked away, and she died! I left her alone.”

Her sobs grew more violent, the moment she said the words out lout. “What if I was only lucky enough, that Riley didn’t jam it into my stomach, or heart, or throat? But what the fuck did I do to deserve that? She – she was so wonderful and great and perfect and sweet and kind, and she had to die! She was fighting so many battles and was so strong and now she’s gone and I…”

The tears lessened, as well as the sobs.

“I’m still here and that fucking scar reminds me of it all the fucking time and I just can’t bring myself to stop thinking about what would have been, if… if…”

She silenced. Tears fell down her cheeks freely and she took a shaky breath. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok”, Eva said softly, continuing to rub circles onto her back.

“I just wish I apologized. I was such a dick, I should have helped her, but instead I ran off.”

“It’s ok”, Eva repeated and patted Kate’s back. “I’m here.”

“What if I had stayed?”, Kate asked. “She would’ve lived and this… this wouldn’t be happening. I would have talked to her about dad and Frank and…”

Eva tightened the hug, Kate’s grip around her shirt loosened a bit. The tension slowly left her body, being replaced by exhaustion and frustration. The weight on Kate’s chest still hadn’t disappeared.

“What do you mean?”, Eva asked softly, and Kate tried to take a breath, to continue. She pulled herself a bit closer again.

She explained everything to Eva, sometimes breaking out in tears all over again and Eva slowly walked them over to Kate’s bed, where they sat down, and a tremor went through Kate’s body. She hadn’t realized how exhausted she was.

When she was finished, Eva pulled Kate a bit closer again.

“Just the thought, that Frank probably thinks the same way Martin and Dad do… he’s in my house right now and…” Kate’s voice was silent, forlorn.

Eva let Kate rest her head on her shoulder and ran a hand through her hair. “How about you stay at my place tonight?”, she asked gently. “I found out that my shift only starts at three in the afternoon. We would have to take the bus, but I’m sure my mother wouldn’t mind you staying over. And I'll help you with your knee.”

Kate lifted her head, just enough so she could look into Eva’s eyes and nodded slightly. “Please."

Kate still didn’t feel good. There was too much that had happened. A half of her felt relieved, but the other half was empty, and still took up so much space.

But the thought of falling asleep in Eva’s arms slowly cured her from the inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOHO. Kate breaking down! Finally! Thanks so much for reading, it means a lot! There are still a few things left, sooo, I'll read you next time and thanks for reading again!


	11. Sometimes, things have to be this way

The first night was the most anxious one of them.

Kate’s phone went off, as soon as she sat down on the mattress Eva used as her bed and she saw Frank’s name on it. She reluctantly picked up, already regretting the decision.

“You did _what_ now?”, Frank shouted into the phone, not even greeting her and nothing left of his couldn’t-care-less attitude.

Eva took Kate’s hand as soon as she saw the look on her face and squeezed it. “Just hang up”, she mouthed at her, but Kate shook her head.

“You fucking hit dad, are you crazy?”

“Martin told you that bullshit, didn’t he?” Her voice was exhausted – tired of everything happening around her. Maybe even desperate for it to stop. The overload of events got to her.

“He told me the truth!”, Frank shouted. It sounded far too similar to Kate’s father, far too aggressive. But Kate didn’t have the energy to cry about it. “You hit him!”

“Frank, he’s lying”, she defended herself weakly, still sitting up straight, even though she wanted nothing more than to lie down and never get up again. “He hit me, not the other way around.”

Eva’s grip tightened a bit and Kate smiled at her thankfully. It ended up looking like she was about to throw up, but she couldn’t bring herself to care.

“Do you really think I’d believe you over Dad?”

“Then ask mom”, Kate continued. “Ask her, she was there, she saw it.”

“As if I don’t know, that she’s lying for you. Kate, she’s just trying to make you feel better by acting as if you were right, because she’s cool with you failing and the gay-thing.”

Kate’s heart stung. “Can we please not talk about that?”, she practically pleaded. Showing how vulnerable she was had never been something, that she wanted to do, but it was too late for that now. It was too late for so many things now.

“Shouldn’t you be able to handle that?”, Frank shot back. “You chose to be gay after all, you should be able to handle a bit of backlash.” The complacency in his voice mixed with the hatred made Kate’s breath shorten once again.

“Ask mom if you want to know how it really went”, she said as calmly as possible and then cut Frank, who was already screaming at her, off by ending the call. She closed her eyes, the grip around her phone loosening and she let it fall onto the mattress. Looking at Eva she tried to smile but failed.

“Frank called”, she said, her voice silent and empty. Shaking she let go of a breath and shook her head at the words he had said.

“Was he being a dick again?”

Kate nodded and put her head between her knees, trying to breathe in and out calmly. She pressed her eyelids down as hard as possible, as if she could make reality disappear that way. “Man, I’m glad I’m not home right now”, she tried to joke, but it came out watery and frustrated. When she looked up again, her hair was falling into her face, as if it was trying to hide her tears. Eva noticed them, though and opened her arms for her.

Kate sunk into them, not even hesitating and took shaky breaths, trying to calm herself down.

“You can stay as long as you want to”, Eva told her softly, pulling her a bit closer and wiping away the tears that rolled down Kate’s cheek. “I can get some of your stuff and you can stay here for a while. You don’t have to face him.”

“That would be great”, Kate mumbled. “He just…” She tried to blink away the tears – she had cried enough already – but it didn’t work. “He reminds me of Dad”, she whispered. “He’s so much like him. He seems nice and cool and laid-back, when in reality... he’s an asshole.”

“He really is”, Eva agreed, and Kate let out a watery laugh. “Do you maybe want to work on the project for a bit and then watch a movie to distract yourself?”

Kate nodded and pulled back from Eva. “Please.” Eva wiped the last tears away from Kate’s cheek and stood up to get her notebook. She sat down next to Kate again and took her hand, placing the notebook on both of their knees and lay an arm around her.

* * *

They didn’t even get to start a movie. They had been working for two hours, when Eva felt Kate leaning against her, her head resting in the crook of her neck. Two minutes later she was breathing calmly, and Eva carefully tilted her head, so she could look at Kate. She had fallen asleep.

Gently she moved her head from her shoulder and lay her down. She put a blanket over her, and Kate immediately cuddled into it.

Her eyes were still so swollen from the tears, it tugged at Eva’s heartstrings. When she had talked to Frank, she had sounded so exhausted and emotionless, not like the Kate Eva knew. She couldn’t even begin to imagine how her girlfriend must’ve been feeling. She ran a hand through her hair, taking one of Kate’s hands in the end and smiled at her tiredly.

When she wanted to get up, Kate didn’t let go. Eva couldn’t bring herself to wake her up to change, or even let her hand go, to change into more comfortable clothes herself, so she didn't. Instead, she lay down next to Kate.

There were more important things than homework and looking for jobs anyway.

Kate scooted close to Eva, as soon as she was lain down and wouldn’t let go of her for the rest of the night.

\-----

Eva woke up early. Her limbs were stiff and her back hurt, but it was worth it, when she opened her eyes and saw Kate next to her. The bags under her eyes had disappeared and she only looked a little pale.

Eva pressed a short kiss to her forehead and slowly rolled off the mattress, her hand slipping from Kate’s. Tiredly she checked the time and decided to put the plan, she had drafted last night, into action.

Her mother and brothers were already awake, having breakfast in the kitchen. “How did you sleep?”, her mother asked, sipping from her coffee.

“Ok”, Eva replied truthfully and turned towards her brothers. “How is it to be home again?”, she laughed.

Oskar shrugged, and Jacob put on a face. “Grandma would always let us have two cups of cocoa”, he pouted, and Eva chuckled lightly.

“You still have much time left to drink cocoa, don’t worry.” She turned towards her mother again and filled a glass with water. “Could Kate maybe stay a bit longer than just today?”, she asked more silently. “I know it’s unexpected, but I need to know that she’s safe, her brother is a raging homophobe. I’m going to get her stuff and pay for the extra-food and…”

Her mother made a calming gesture and interrupted her. “Of course, she can. And don’t worry about the money, we’ll manage that.”

Eva smiled at her mother thankfully. She had already been this understanding last night, when Eva had explained everything to her. The thought of not letting Kate stay hadn’t even crossed her mind.

She thanked her mother again, waved her brothers goodbye and ran, to catch the next bus. On the way, her heart pounded a bit heavier, but she ignored it, sure, that what she was doing was the right thing.

Still, her hand trembled when she pressed the doorbell and waited for someone to answer. To much of her dismay, it was Frank who finally opened the door, after she had pressed the doorbell two more times. He looked at her and rubbed his eyes.

“Oh, you. What do you want?”, he asked, still half-asleep.

“Is your mother home?”, Eva answered with a question, but Frank shook his head.

“Left, some emergency at work”, he murmured. “What do you want?”

Eva took a deep breath. “Kate will be staying at my house for the next few days. I’m going to get some of her stuff.”

“What?”

But she didn’t even bother explaining any further and pushed past Frank, climbing the stairs to Kate’s room, where she took one of her bags and threw in various clothes, followed by her laptop and school supplies in a second bag.

She heard Frank coming up the stairs and entering Kate’s room. “Get out of here”, she snapped at him, looking around again and picking up some more things, Kate might need.

“Why the fuck would she stay at your house?”, he asked. Apparently, the one braincell he called his own, was still asleep.

“In case you haven’t noticed: She’s my girlfriend. I care for her and love her and every little flaw that belongs to her. And I want her to be safe, and that’s definitely not possible, if you’re in her environment.” She picked up the bags and let her gaze wander through the room again.

“You… you turned her gay!”, Frank shouted, taking a few steps towards Eva. She didn’t back away. “You turned her into that! Don’t try to tell me what’s right and what’s wrong, I know what happened to Dad!”

“This is not about your father, Frank”, Eva said calmly. “He’s a part of this, I’m not denying that, but this is about you being a complete asshole of a brother to her. This is about you, not having an opinion of your own and blindly believing what you’re told.” She pushed past him, holding both bags she had packed. “This is about the fact, that as long as you think this way, Kate isn’t safe here. No sane person is. Now excuse me.”

She left the room, shaking from the adrenaline and walked down the stairs.

“Yo! Fuck, hold up you fucking dy-“

“Hold your tongue!”, Eva interrupted loudly, turning around to face Frank. “What you’re trying to say is complete and utter bullshit! And don’t even dare calling Kate that ever again! Don’t you dare! Maybe try using your ultra-high IQ for good things for once and google, what kind of bullshit you’re talking!”

Frank had looked confused all the time, but now he seemed to wake up from the trance he had been in and came towards Eva. “You don’t have to tell me what to do. I know Kate!”

“You don’t know her!”, Eva shouted. “And you are not her father, Frank, so stop acting like it! You don’t have to take over his duties, you have to be a good brother!”

Frank reached back and Eva could already feel his fist in her stomach, but before it could even happen, she kicked her foot against his shin. He silently screamed out in pain and Eva ran out of the house, both bags tangling from her shoulders. This had gone better than she had expected it to.

* * *

Kate was walking around in the bombed field of grey she knew all too well. Her brain didn’t even tell her to run form this dangerous place, because it thought, that Kate belonged here.

She let go of a breath and let the noise die away on the empty field.

“If one more year could last forever”, she remembered. “I don’t know if you know that, but I wanted nothing more than for you to just never go to college. To just stay with me.” She looked at Chess next to her, pulling her flannel closer.

There was a huge bloodstain on Chess’ shirt – in the same place there was one on Kate’s flannel.

“I did”, Chess stated.

“You know, if I try hard enough, I can pretend you’re just at college but… I’ll never forget finding you lying out there. I just can’t get rid of the memory, I… there was so much blood, Chess. So much blood. Even if I just think of it, I see it all again.” Kate bit her lip and shook her head, to ban the image from her mind.

She stared down and kicked a few small stones that lay in front of her feet away. “Everything would be so much easier if you were with me.”

“Like what exactly?”, Chess asked, and Kate laughed sarcastically.

“Everything? I would’ve talked to you about Dad immediately. And Frank and Martin. I would’ve told you everything.” Chess was walking next to her, but Kate didn’t dare searching for support and hugging her or just taking her hand or doing _something_, that would make her seem less like an illusion.

Something told her, that she would just disappear again.

So, she tried to enjoy the feeling of walking next to her best friend, even if everything around them was a mess.

“But you told Eva how you feel”, Chess tried to cheer her up and Kate shrugged. “Come on, Kate, that’s a good thing.”

Kate sighed and managed to smile at her best friend. “I know. And you don’t even know how good it felt, to just let everything out, but… I just wish it would’ve never gotten to that point in the first place. I only told her, because I couldn’t take it anymore.”

“But you told her. And that’s the most important thing”, Chess argued.

It grew a bit colder around them. There was no sun to be seen anywhere, only a dim sky.

“I know, but… if I had never made dad so angry, that he hit me in the first place, this wouldn’t be happening.” Kate felt air being drawn from her lungs, at the thought of how helpless she sounded.

“He would have turned into the asshole he is sooner or later”, Chess stated without a moment of hesitation.

Kate smirked a little. “I would’ve never thought, that I’d hear you saying asshole.”

Chess shrugged and laughed as well. “Well, never say never.”

“Yeah, I’ll try to remember that.” Kate buried her hands in the pockets of her jeans, letting her gaze wander over the field. “I wish you were still with me”, she murmured, without looking up. “Talking to you is easy, I miss it.”

“You can still talk to me”, Chess said silently, and Kate sighed.

“You know what I mean.” There were a few seconds of silence until she continued. “I just want all this to be over as soon as possible and for you to be with me again and… Two months ago, my biggest worry was you going to college, and now it’s…” She pointed to everything around them. “This. It’s a fucking mess.”

“Kate”, Chess started, but Kate cut her off.

“Don’t even try. I know.” She hesitated, looked at Chess and tried to smile at her again. “Better leave, before I try to hug you.”

She couldn’t even try to hide the frustration she felt. In the next moment, Chess was gone, and Kate was alone again, like she had known, that it would happen. Left, where Chess had been standing, was a little turquoise flower.

Kate was woken up by a loud sound and her eyes fluttered open, scanning the room. It took her a few seconds before recognizing it as Eva’s and she relaxed again. Eva worked on turning off the sound on her laptop and sighed, turning around to face her.

“Sorry for that”, she apologized, and Kate shrugged it off, sitting up a little. “How are you?”

Kate shrugged again, but smiled at Eva, when she walked over to her. “Better”, she answered truthfully. “How long have you been awake for?”

“Not long. An hour maybe, I went to get your stuff and just came back.”

Kate spotted two of her bags on the floor next to Eva’s desk and looked at Eva again. “You didn’t have to-”, she started, but Eva shook her head.

“It’s ok. Just maybe tell your mom that you’re staying a bit longer than originally planned”, she laughed, taking Kate’s hand and placing a short kiss on it.

Kate smiled at Eva, tired but honest. “Thank you.”

A small sprout of the knowledge, that the hardest part of the storm was yet to come, was already growing in both of their heads, but in that moment it didn’t matter. Because neither of them knew.

And in the end, the sprout would turn into a turquoise flower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look,,, I just needed them to be soft and this happened- There'll be some stuff I'm really looking forward to in the next chapter sooo, thank you so much for reading and I'll read you next time!!


	12. Inside a world that's upside down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> surprise (:

The following few days went by quickly. Kate kept stealing glances at her phone, but still ignored every call she got from her brothers. She and Eva did homework to distract themselves and made a habit of watching movies and making fun of them.

When Kate had reluctantly told Eva, that her mother didn’t just tell her brothers the truth about how things with their father really went, because she thought, that they would eventually get over “teasing” her, all Eva did was wrapping her in a hug and not letting go for as long as possible.

It was one of the most healing moments, Kate had ever experienced.

Every night she fell asleep in Eva’s arms.

Every school they didn’t part for as long as possible and hugged each other much longer than they usually would, before going to their separate classes.

It was Wednesday and Kate hadn’t been called by anyone yet.

She had practice the first time this week during fourth period, so the day was going ok so far. She managed to keep her thoughts in the cage she had built around them and only escaped to the bathroom once, telling the teacher, that she was feeling sick, to get away from the piercing looks her peers shot her.

She knew, that she didn’t exactly look good, she had a lot on her mind after all, but they all whispered on the quiet, whenever she answered a question. It eventually became too much.

Her breath shortened, and she stared at herself in the mirror, holding onto the sink. The circles under her eyes had been much darker already, but it was still easy to spot them. Apparently looks still mattered.

“Fucking High School”, she murmured, pulling a beanie out of her bag and using it, to cover up her greasy hairline. “I’ve got other problems than what I look like.”

In third period she sat down in the front of her math class, determined to suck in every detail. She had finally understood the second out of the seven topics she had to know for the exam, and suddenly listening to Mr. Hervick became a lot easier.

She raised an eyebrow though, when he told her to stay a little longer after the class had ended. “Yes, Mr. Hervick?”, she asked, glancing at the time. She didn’t want to be late.

“Ms. Dalton”, he started, going through some papers and pulling a sheet out of the pile, handing it to her. “Your last homework is almost flawless, did you study?”

Kate took the sheet and her mouth fell open. She had only made four mistakes. “Uh, yes… yes I’ve been studying, actually.”

Mr. Hervick took off his glasses and grinned at her. “Well, I’m really glad you did”, he said. “Because you’ll need the knowledge soon.”

Kate raised an eyebrow. “The exam only takes place in two and a half weeks or so.”

“Actually, it doesn’t”, Mr. Hervick stated. “There were some complications and we had to schedule it differently. It will take place on the Monday of the next week.”

Kate choked on her breath, falling into a fit of coughing. “What?”

“We had to reschedule the exam. I’m sorry Ms. Dalton, but if you don’t want to fail this class, you’ll have to take it.” He smiled at her so sympathetically, Kate couldn’t even be angry with him.

She settled on just accepting it. “Did the topics change?”

Mr. Hervick shook his head and she nodded. “Ok. Thanks for telling me. I’ll be there.”

“Good luck, Ms. Dalton. Whatever it is, that made your performance decrease so rapidly, I know that you can do better”, he smiled, and Kate thanked him again, suppressing, why she had to take the exam in the first place.

Practice went well, Kate managed to clear her head by focusing onto doing the moves right. She was a bit scared, that her kneecap would leave its place again, but she continued anyway.

The routine went better than ever before.

By the time they took a break, they were all completely drained and hardly spoke, everyone either drinking some water or scrolling down their phones to relax themselves.

“Hey, uh, can I just quickly go out and make a call?”, Eva asked into the silence, pointing towards the phone in her hand.

Kate frowned, but Cairo shrugged. “Sure, you can.”

“Everything ok?”, Annleigh frowned, looking up from her phone and Eva quickly nodded.

“Yeah, don’t worry, just have to call at work”, she said, looking at Kate specifically and smiling at her reassuringly. She smiled at her as well and Eva left.

As soon as the door closed behind her, everyone suddenly put their phones down, and looked at Kate expectantly. She frowned, her heart skipping a beat, and let her phone sink. Had they somehow found out about what was going on in her family?

“What?”, she asked, already reaching for Eva’s hand for support, before halfway through realizing, that she wasn’t sitting next to her anymore. She let it fall back into her lap.

“We want to know how Eva is”, Reese said, and sat down cross-legged on the floor.

Kate raised an eyebrow. “What?”, she repeated. “Why don’t you just ask her yourself?” She glanced at the door, to make sure, that Eva wasn’t coming back and then looked back at her teammates again.

“We just think it wouldn’t be very… sensitive of us, to ask her directly”, Annleigh explained.

Kate let out a short, humorless laugh. “And you think asking me is more sensitive?”

Mattie was the only one of them to look down a little ashamed.

“Well, yeah, we kind of did”, Reese answered Kate’s question fidgeting with the pompom in her hand. “We just thought, that maybe Eva wouldn’t like being asked about her fat-… you know.”

“Yeah, I think I can crack that code”, Kate deadpanned, looking down into her lap and taking a breath before looking up a little guilty.

Of all the people _she_ had forgotton about Eva's father, too wrapped up in her own worries. She shook her head lightly, barely for anyone to notice and looked up again. “I think she’s ok”, she said. “I mean, I don’t know. But I’m pretty sure that she’s better than she was.”

“Especially since she’s able to look after me as well”, she added bitterly in thought.

“Well, that’s good!”, Cairo said and Kate nodded.

“Yeah.”

It was good, wasn’t it? It was good, that Kate hadn’t noticed a single bad thing about Eva. But she hadn’t noticed it as well, when Eva hid, that her father was in the hospital.

As if she had read her mind, the door opened, and Eva came into the gym again. The conversation ended, everyone grabbing their phones again and Eva sat down next to Kate, smiling slightly.

“Everything sorted out?”, Kate asked.

“Yeah”, Eva answered and put her phone away, leaning back next to her afterwards.

“Why’d you have to call at work, is anything wrong?”

Eva shook her head and made a dismissing hand gesture. “It’s nothing important, just about some shifts.”

Eva’s fingers tapping the back of her other hand restlessly, made Kate believe the opposite.

But before she could ask any more questions, Cairo decided that their break had lasted long enough and called them back to practice. So, they continued.

The dull feeling in Kate’s stomach didn’t leave her and just kept telling her, that there had to be some kind of detail about Eva, that she had missed out on.

She couldn’t place it.

\-----

Before Kate could even enter the class of her math professor again, hoping, that he would give her some advice on how to study all the remaining topics, her phone rang. She already wanted to throw it, thinking, that it was Martin or Frank, but instead she picked up.

“Hey mom."

“Listen”, her mother immediately started. The only thing, that kept Kate from ending the call right then and there, was her mother’s tone. It was so caring, Kate wasn’t sure, if she had ever heard her mother using it before.

“What is it?”

“I’d like you to come home again”, her mother said, and Kate stopped walking, to lean against a wall, letting her bag slide off her shoulder.

“Is Frank gone?”, she asked, wishing, that Eva was with her right now. She didn’t want to have this conversation alone, but she was sure, that her girlfriend was already waiting for her to catch the bus.

Her mother sighed. “No, he’s not. He’s looking for a job right now and in the meantime he can only stay here.”

“Then I’m not coming”, Kate stated. Students passed her by, but she didn’t care. She just continued talking to her mother a bit quieter. “I-I’m not coming home, if Frank’s still there. He believes what dad told him and won’t even listen to me, I won’t…”

“Kate”, her mother interrupted, her voice still so gentle. “I talked to Frank. He listened to me and he’s trying to understand. He believes me about your father and he’s also trying to come to terms with you having a girlfriend.”

It all sounded way too surreal to Kate. “You’re telling me, that Frank isn’t the raging homophobe he was when I left and suddenly understands everything?”, she said sarcastically.

“He’s coming around”, her mother replied. “We’re both trying to understand together.”

Kate sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “Then when would you want me to…?”

“Today?”, her mother proposed. “Or maybe tomorrow? I’d just really like you living here again. I’m your mother after all and have to look after you.”

“Dad never did”, Kate muttered gloomily, just loud enough for herself to hear.

She wanted nothing more than to stay at Eva’s house. Ms. Sanchez always smiled at her in the morning and Eva’s little brothers were nice to her, sometimes even proudly showing her, what new things they had learned in school. It felt like a home to her.

And Eva seemed to heal her from the inside. Spending time with her made Kate feel at home. She couldn’t even describe it any other way.

But she still agreed, too exhausted not to do so.

“Ok”, she murmured.

* * *

Eva looked at her phone again. They had already missed the bus and Kate still hadn’t shown up. She texted her but didn’t get an answer.

People were already staring at her, but she didn’t notice, too invested in obsessively checking her phone every few seconds; partly to see, if Kate had answered the text and partly to check the time. She didn’t want to be late. She couldn’t be late.

After practically begging for more shifts, even though she knew, that it wouldn’t comply with schoolwork, her boss had allowed her to take them. She couldn’t allow herself to be late now.

The fact, that she would have to study at night still gave her a headache, but she suppressed it. Right now, acing an exam about the endoplasmatic reticulum, was far less important than the bills that needed to be paid.

“Sorry it took so long”, Kate’s voice ripped her out of her thoughts, and she turned around, seeing her girlfriend jogging out of the school towards her. Kate’s bag hung lazily from one of her shoulders. “I had to sort some stuff out.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry”, Eva said gently, putting her phone away and blushing slightly, when Kate kissed her cheek. Kate took her hand and smiled at her apologizingly. “We missed the bus though, so we’ll have to walk home.”

Kate’s cheeks turned red and she already started apologizing, but Eva stopped her and pulled her with her, away from the school, her thumb lazily stroking over the back of Kate’s hand. “Can I ask, why you were late?”

“Nothing important”, Kate hedged the question. “Just math.”

Eva felt a bit relieved at this and squeezed Kate’s hand. “You’re going to do awesome.”

Kate only twisted her mouth a bit and suddenly seemed to find the asphalt a whole lot more interesting than their conversation. “Yeah, but I have to take the exam earlier than originally planned.”

Eva’s eyebrows shot up. “How much earlier?”

“Monday.”

“Monday”, Eva repeated. “That’s pretty early, you can’t take it later?” Kate shook her head and Eva sighed, but put her second hand over Kate’s reassuringly. “It’s ok, you’re going to be fine.”

“Yeah, I heard that before”, Kate mumbled, but quickly looked at Eva afterwards. “Thanks though, I really appreciate it.”

“Of course”, Eva replied. “I know that you can do it. And if you want to, we can just study together.”

Kate let out a dry laugh and looked at Eva again. “Well, then you’re going to spend a lot of your time at my place.”

“What?” Did Kate already want to go home again? Was it really that bad to stay with her? She bit her lip as hard as possible to get rid of the thoughts and looked at Kate again, not even having realized, that she had looked down.

“My mom wants me to come home again”, Kate sighed. “She says that Frank’s trying to understand and coming around, but… I don’t know.”

Eva nodded, feeling a bit lighter at Kate’s answer. “Yeah, I get that”, she murmured. “And you can’t just stay with me? I want you to be safe…”

Kate smiled sadly. “No way, sorry.”

“It’s ok”, Eva said gently and stroked her hand over Kate’s again. “I’ll have to come to your house for the project anyway, we’ll just study together as well.”

The notion of being closer to Kate, after having gotten to know Frank, soothed the ocean of Eva’s worries about her girlfriend going home again.

“That would be nice”, Kate replied.

“Then it’s settled”, Eva promised. “You said Frank’s coming around?”

Kate hesitated. “I don’t know, at least mom said so”, she answered after a few seconds.

Eva’s gaze dropped down to her jacket. “I’ll take the pin off then”, she stated, looking at Kate again. “There’s no need to give him more stuff that he can attack than there already is.”

“What? No”, Kate suddenly said loudly. “I don’t want you to change for my brother.”

“It’s no problem, really”, Eva repelled but Kate still shook her head.

“I don’t want you to change for my brother”, she repeated. “If he can’t cope with it that’s his problem but please don’t change for him.”

Eva let out a bitter laugh. “I’m already a ball of worries and not myself, I don’t think taking off the button would make much of a difference.”

“What do you mean?”, Kate asked, raising an eyebrow.

Eva shook her head. “Nothing, just a joke.”

“No, seriously, what do you mean? Are you alright?” Kate sounded so worried, it didn’t feel right. Eva was the one supposed to worry about her, not the other way around.

She sighed. “Are you going to let me get away without telling you?”

“I probably would have, but now that I know that something’s wrong, I won’t”, Kate grinned.

Eva chuckled lightly but then sighed again. “It’s just…”, she started, struggling to find the right words, but eventually settling on just using the first ones, that came to her mind – the ones, that sounded the most harmless. “Money and shit. You know, the usual.”

“No, I actually don’t know”, Kate replied.

“You know, the… the whole stuff with… dad and…” Kate squeezed her hand, encouraging her to go on. “Hospital bills”, Eva ended lamely.

“Are you having trouble paying them?”, Kate asked gently, and Eva didn’t reply. She only looked down and felt Kate squeezing her hand again.

“Yeah, kind of”, she gave in.

“Is that the reason, you didn’t want to go to the ER when you broke your wrist?”

“It wasn’t broken”, Eva defended herself chuckling, but then nodded again. “But yeah, kind of. The other part didn’t want to be near dad.”

“Makes sense”, Kate murmured. “But why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve helped you.”

“It’s not that important, it’s a problem we’ll handle”, Eva tried to be confident.

She had always handled problems, she would also handle this one. When one of her brothers was sick and none of her parents were able to stay home, she just looked after him. When her father had lost his job, she had started working. When the thing with the cancer had happened the first time, she had…

“No”, Kate ripped Eva out of her thoughts. “I mean… I’m sure, that you’ll handle it, but you could’ve asked for help. I wouldn’t have practically moved in and…”

Eva interrupted her quickly, taking a turn to the street her house was in. “No, please. That’s so totally ok, please don’t worry about that.”

“But…”

“It’s ok”, she smiled at her. “I’m going to take a few extra shifts, it’ll be fine.” Little did Eva know, that she was just trying to convince herself.

“You already do so much, don’t you think you should go a little easy on extra shifts?”, Kate worried, but Eva shook it off.

“It’s fine.”

She had already managed so many problems, she would handle this one too.

“I can help, you know? You just have to tell me, and I’ll be there.” Kate paused. “Really”, she then added silently, when Eva didn’t say anything.

“Thank you”, Eva answered, a small but honest smile on her lips. “I needed that.”

“Of course. When do you start your next shift?”

Eva twisted her mouth. “Today”, she answered. “It starts pretty early already, so I think you'll have to pack alone. Sorry.”

“That’s ok”, Kate said easily. “It’s no big deal. But you'll come over to my house tomorrow, right?”

Eva immediately noticed the concern in Kate’s voice and nodded, pressing a short kiss to her knuckles. “I will, I promise.”

* * *

When Kate took the bus leading to the opposite direction of Eva’s house the next day after school, a dull feeling in her stomach made her want to throw up. She tried to remember what hugging Eva before getting on the bus had felt like, but not even this could calm her down.

“She’s coming over”, Kate reminded herself. “Frank’s coming around, it will be fine. And Eva will come over.”

Every time she repeated it, it felt more like the only believable hope she had left.

“I’m a High Schooler, I shouldn’t be afraid to go home”, she murmured dryly to herself, when her hands started shaking as soon as she got off the bus.

“It will be fine, I’m still here. I'll help you through this”, Chess appeared in front of Kate and her gaze shot up.

But she shook the words off. “Thanks, but… I don’t think you can help me here”, she murmured sadly, and Chess disappeared.

Taking one last breath and checking her phone one last time, to make sure, that she hadn’t accidentally muted it, she pulled her keys out of her pocket.

She was greeted with silence, took off her shoes and walked into the kitchen. It felt weird. She had lived in this house ever since she could remember, still it felt so strange to her now. Her mother was still at work, so she made her way to her room. The longer she didn’t see Frank, the better.

But when she entered her room, her heart skipped a beat and her bag fell to the ground.

Martin looked up from one of the books Kate kept in her room.

“Martin, wh-what are you doing here?” Kate gathered her bag from the floor but didn’t move from her place, staring at her brother flabbergasted.

He just grinned and returned his gaze to the book. “Surprise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't want this to be this long and yes,,, yes I am sorry for the end- But thank you SO much for reading and I'll read you next time!!


	13. And the second before I jumped

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of suicide 
> 
> chapter title from the song "I'd give it all for you"  
yes, I only know the version Caitlin Kinnunen and Izzy Mccalla did, so what?

“I’m going to come over, as soon as my shift’s over”, Eva texted Kate before finally putting her phone away and stared out of the window.

The bus came to a halt and with an ache in her stomach she got off it. Eva felt bad about lying to Kate, but she didn’t have the heart to tell her, that her shift didn’t start for another forty minutes. It was just a visit, she would manage it without her girlfriend.

The nurses smiled at her sympathetically, when she asked them to show her to the room.

With a pounding heart Eva opened the door and looked down, before closing it behind herself again. A nurse informed her, that she was only allowed to stay half an hour and she thanked her.

She sat down on the chair next to the bed, kneading her fingers to calm herself down.

“Hey”, she murmured, looking up for the first time and seeing him. He looked more alive than Eva would have thought.

“I know that you can’t hear me and that this is pretty useless but…” She let go of a breath. “I don’t even know. I don’t know why I’m here, I guess I just wanted to see you.”

He breathed evenly, as if he was just asleep. When Eva had still been in kindergarten and had woken him up, because she wanted to go out and play, he had always looked the same.

Only that today he didn’t wake up.

“I’m taking extra shifts now”, she informed him. “Mom’s really struggling with paying everything, but she’s doing good. Oskar and Jacob are good, too. Mom plays many games with them whenever she’s home. Probably to distract herself.”

She let go of a breath. “We miss you”, she started. “Mom acts as if everything’s fine, but she misses you. Jacob’s still thrilled about going to school and Oskar’s proud that he is the older brother. But they ask about you, too. They think that you only moved out so Kate could move in.” Eva chuckled lightly at the memory.

It had been the first night Kate had stayed over. They had asked, if Kate lived with them instead of their father now.

“Oh, yeah, Kate’s been living with us”, she murmured, looking down again. “Since Friday. I mean, she moved out today, but she lived at our house for the last few days.” She smiled a little at the thought of her girlfriend and looked at her father again.

“Her parents are awful, but she… She’s nothing like them, she’s an angel. She’s honestly the best thing to ever happen to me”, she explained whispering. “Please wake up soon. I want you to get to know her better.”

She hesitated for a moment and stared out of the window next to the bed.

“And please wake up for us.”

It was stupid and she knew that, but she didn’t care. He couldn’t hear her, but what did it matter?

“We’re… We miss you. I want to see mom happier again. And I want to wake up and see you standing in the kitchen and preparing breakfast and lunch even though it’s far too early for lunch, but you do it anyway.”

Eva blinked away a single tear.

“And I want to get home and see you sleeping on the couch or adding the final touches to our lunch to make it look like a work of art or cleaning up the kitchen.”

Her father still breathed in exactly the same way as before, but suddenly it felt so much more painful to Eva and more tears dripped down her cheeks.

“I want to see you laughing about a dumb joke Oskar heard in school and I want to walk out of my room to see you helping Jacob with his homework and- and…”

She silenced, looking at him again and blinked away the tears.

“I don’t want you to lie here. You already beat it once, you can do it a second time.” She stood up, not bearing the energy to stay much longer. “Please just wake up. I know you can do it.”

After a few more minutes of looking at him, she quietly said goodbye and turned around. She walked out of the far too silent room, silently shutting the door behind her and furtively wiping away the last tears.

The last time she had left this room, Kate had immediately been there to hold her. Now she was alone, and Eva wanted nothing more than the support of her girlfriend.

She took a few more seconds to gather her composure and then left the hospital, thanking the nurse that had shown her to her father’s room again.

Maybe, if she just hoped hard enough, everything was a dream and she wouldn’t go to work to pay for her father’s surgery now but go home and meet him there. And he would take her to the clearing in the woods where they hadn’t been for ages, but he just thought, that it was time for them to visit it again.

And they would eat the berries they had gathered and share a rare moment of silence in the much too hectic world.

Maybe everything would be fine.

\-----

Only once at work, a friend of hers, asked her, if everything was alright. They had apparently noticed Eva’s red eyes, but she shook it off.

“It’s ok, Taylor”, she smiled at them. “I’m just tired.”

They frowned but didn’t say anything else and returned to their work behind the counter. Eva hurried to the back to get the first orders, bracing herself for another long afternoon of delivering pizzas with her bike and slogging her guts out.

Because the more pizzas she delivered within the timescale of her shift, the more money she would eventually get.

And like this, maybe she would at least remove a part of the pile of worries from her mother’s shoulders.

Taylor smiled at her every time she passed them, when she had a new delivery to get and when she was about to go home, they even handed her a carton.

Eva opened it and saw a simple pizza margherita in it. She looked at Taylor confused.

“Pizza works excellently for when you’re tired”, they grinned and pointed to the carton. “Have a nice evening.”

Taylor had gone to West High with Eva before she had transferred and had been one of the nicer kids there. The two hadn’t been close, but Taylor had accepted Eva when she came out, not like everyone else. They started working together and became pretty good friends.

And ever since Taylor came out to her as well, they joked about their situations and everything happening around them together.

Her friendship with Taylor was one of the reasons Eva liked working at Toni’s.

She thanked them for the pizza, hugged them and then left. Against her original plan, she took the bus home. Oskar and Jacob would be thrilled to have pizza for dinner and her mother wouldn’t have to worry about what to cook.

She thanked Taylor again via text before entering the kitchen, to find her mother going through some papers.

“Hey. I brought dinner”, she smiled and put the pizza down on the dining table.

Her mother looked up and looked at the carton.

“Oh, sweetie, you didn’t have to…”

“It’s ok”, Eva said easily. “I’m pretty sure Oskar and Jacob will love it and like this you don’t have to worry about cooking dinner.”

Her mother thanked her gratefully and called for Eva’s brothers, who were thrilled at the idea of having pizza for dinner and Eva smiled at them a little.

She went to her room, took a shower washing off the sweat from cycling across the whole town and then changed into more comfortable clothes. Her thoughts wandered to her father again, and she sighed.

Smiling at her family, when she left her room again, she closed her eyes for a short moment.

“Please wake up soon”, she murmured, thinking about her father. She always wanted to see her family so at ease. And they always were, when her father was home. She missed him.

But when she was about to say goodbye, to take the bus to Kate’s, her brothers held her back.

“I have to show you, what I read in school today”, Jacob smiled excitedly, standing up and running to his room to get a little book. “It’s a story about a red cat and he – he meets a duck and – and I have to read it to you.”

“I read that too”, Oskar commented. “The dog is so sweet.”

“Don’t give it away”, Jacob hushed him, and Eva’s mother laughed slightly. “Can I read it to you?”, he asked Eva.

She sighed and looked at the clock hanging on the wall next to the dining table. She wanted to go to Kate’s house, she had promised to do so, but she would also be able to catch the bus that left in thirty minutes.

She put her bag with the notebook and information for the project down and sat down next to her brothers. “Good, then finish your pizza.”

She smiled at her mother reassuringly, who mouthed her a “Thank you” and returned to filling out the papers in front of her.

Eva sat down with her brothers in the living room and they decided to take turns reading the story to her.

“Family always comes first”, her father had always said.

“I know”, she murmured thinking of it and returned her attention to her brothers.

“Are you ready?”, Jacob beamed, clutching the book excitedly and she chuckled lightly.

“Sure.”

* * *

“Why are you here?”, Kate repeated for what felt like the hundredth time and put her bag down next to her bed, turning towards her brother, who now put away the book he had been flipping through.

“I just thought I’d come home for a little while. Frank’s here too, we don’t get a family reunion like this very often”, he shrugged. “And since I was granted a few days off work, there was no better opportunity than this one.”

He ran a hand through his short, dark brown hair and looked around Kate’s room again.

“Then why are you in my room, couldn’t you just wait until mom’s home?” This couldn’t be real. She had just gotten home and wanted to get comfortable again, but instead she was talking to her brother. The brother she hadn't seen in ages.

Martin didn’t answer and just looked around some more, running a finger over one of Kate’s cabinets. “Woah, it’s dusty in here”, he murmured. “Don’t you ever clean?”

“What are you doing here?”, Kate asked again. “Because if you’re only going to criticize everything you see, then please go and do it somewhere else. I have to study.”

Martin raised an eyebrow, looking up from the cabinet. “What do you have to study?”

“Math”, Kate replied gruffly.

“Oh, do you want to study math, too after high school?”, Martin smiled, walking over to Kate and looking at the book she had pulled out of her bag. “I can give you some excellent tips, I…“

“No, Martin”, Kate interrupted him, massaging her temples. “I’m failing, ok? And I have to get a C on an exam to pass the year, so please let me study.” She had given up on making Martin tell her, why he had been nosing around in her room by now.

Martin backed away a bit, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “You’re failing?”

“Yes, yes Martin I’m failing! So, either tell me what the hell you want or go away!”, Kate said loudly.

She was so sick of this. She was sick of not being capable to just lead a normal life with siblings that just teased her and then left her alone again. She didn’t want them to act like her father.

Martin didn’t do anything for a few minutes, but then buried his hands in the pockets of his jeans and looked at Kate.

“Can we talk?”, he asked, the sound of his voice having changed from the nice-brother one to a much more serious one.

“What about?”, Kate answered, putting her book down and looking at him expectantly.

Maybe it was the exhaustion, or maybe the hope, that the faster Martin spoke, the faster she would be able to study, but she didn’t care about whatever he was going to tell her. Maybe her father had told him some other lie, making her seem like the worst kid in history, maybe not. She didn’t care.

“Mom called me. I was already heading towards here”, he started and hesitated. Kate kept quiet. “She told me about Frank.”

“Cool”, Kate said emptily, pulling a string from one of her socks.

Once again Martin’s voice changed, this time to a caring one. “Look, Kate, he’s always been a bit… bigoted. I’m pretty sure, that he won’t change his behavior.”

“Great, thanks for telling me, professor. I wouldn’t have guessed.” She pulled another string from her sock. “So, did you come here to remind me of how miserable everything is, or do you want to try turning me straight again.”

“No, god, Kate… I’m sorry for that, ok?”

This made Kate look up and one of her eyebrow’s shot up. “What?”

Martin sighed, still looking at her. “I’m sorry. Mom explained the gay thing to me and I’m sorry. I won’t try turning you straight again.”

Kate didn’t dare smiling, but her heart jumped nevertheless at this. “And what about the shit with dad?”, she asked less warily than before.

“Well, about that…” Martin took a breath and crossed his arms in front of his chest again. “I still think that Dad was right to leave.” All the air got knocked out of Kate’s lungs. “You being… that, could really make other people talk about him behind his back and that could really affect his career.”

Kate couldn’t even do anything else than to start laughing. “His career?”, she asked sarcastically. “Dad drank every time he came home and always showed up to work hung over. He didn’t have a career, he was lucky, that he didn’t get fired!”

She massaged her temples again.

“I don’t think you’re understanding this. And I really don’t want to explain it to you, so how about you’re just thankful that I'm trying to accept you”, Martin said, as if he was talking to a kindergartener.

Kate stood up from her bed and walked over to her desk, to open the window. Maybe a bit of fresh air would make her brother think clearly again. “I don’t want you to accept me, just for you to feel good”, she said, as calmly as possible. “If you believe dad and only accept me out of pity, then please go away.”

“Oh, come on, I can’t be the only one thinking this way!”, Martin said loudly, leaning against the wall next to Kate’s desk. She sat down and held onto the tabletop. “What did your friend say about that shit for example?”

Kate looked at him, her voice trembling slightly, when she spoke again. “Martin, please… just go.”

But Martin just got going. “Come on, what did she say? It’s a wonder that you didn’t crush on her as well.”

“Go away”, Kate said through clenched teeth, already fighting down the pictures of her best friend returning to her memory.

“No”, Martin said. “You have to learn to confront your problems. What did Chess say, huh?”

Kate winced.

“Chess is her name, isn’t it?”, Martin continued, leaving his place from leaning against the wall and walked around Kate’s room again. “Where is she by the way? I haven’t seen her yet. You two could never be apart, she-“

“She’s dead, ok?!”, Kate interrupted him loudly, holding onto the sleeves of her jacket now. “Chess is dead, gone, not alive anymore!”

Saying the words out loud still hurt – ripped open all the old scars. But it didn’t matter. “And she would’ve supported me and my girlfriend”, she added a bit calmer. “She would’ve been ok with it.”

She took another deep breath and looked away from her brother. “And now shut up and go.”

Martin walked up to her again. “Chess… was she gay, too? Because honestly, then she’d deserve to be dead”, he said.

“Shut up!”, Kate shouted. She couldn't believe, that Martin didn't even want to know more about Chess.

"Better join her", he continued. 

“Go away!” Kate's hands started shaking and she bit her lip.

“Good, I’m taking a walk”, Martin said, sounding pleased with himself. “I wanted to apologize, but you’ve blown your chance. It’s your fault.” He sounded too much like Kate's father. 

He was already about to leave, when he turned around again. “And Kate?”

She turned around, tears of frustration already glistening in the corners of her eyes.

“Don’t even try to study for math. I saw your notes and you’re never going to pass the exam”, he said, as if he had just given her life-saving advice and left, closing the door behind him.

The moment Kate heard the front door opening and closing she wanted to allow herself to cry, but her phone rang, and she picked up.

“Are you home already?”, her mother asked. Kate could hear her smiling happily on the other end.

“Yeah, I am”, she said, trying to sound as if everything was fine. She succeeded.

“That’s great. Martin’s coming over, as well, isn’t that great?”

“Yeah, it is”, Kate answered weakly, biting her lip. “He’s already here. Frank must’ve let him in, but at the moment none of them are home.”

“That’s ok too”, her mother smiled again. “But listen. There have been some complications and I have to drive to a nearby city and stay there overnight”, she explained. “I won’t be able to come home until tomorrow.”

Kate’s breath hitched.

“Can you please tell Martin, that he can use my room? Food’s in the fridge.”

Kate nodded before realizing, that her mother couldn’t see her and then murmured a small “Ok”.

“Is everything ok?”, her mother now asked. “You don’t sound quite like yourself.”

“I’m fine, mom”, Kate said quickly. “I’m fine. See you tomorrow.”

She heard her mother relaxing again and laughing at something one of her coworkers had said. “Goodbye.”

The call ended.

“I’m fine”, the words replayed in Kate’s brain and she let go of a breath.

“I’m not a hero but goddamn it, I’m that big of a liar, I want a fucking award”, she whispered to herself and finally let the tears that had been building up fall.

She stood up, to make a meal for when Eva would be coming over to distract herself and wiped the tears away. How could asking for a normal life be so impossible? She just wanted a family that loved her and a best friend, that was talking to her in person and not in the form of a ghost. She-

More tears fell down her cheeks.

“Better join her”, she heard Martin’s voice again.

How could her own brother hate her so much, that he wanted her to just kill herself? If he knew, that she had been so close to dying, maybe even the same way Chess did… Kate’s hand trembled and tears took her sight.

“What if it was the same knife?”, she asked out loud. “What if Riley stabbed both of us with it and I was the one who fucking lived?! Why couldn’t it have been the other way around, at least Martin would be happy then!”

No one answered and she held onto the kitchen counter.

“Why the fuck did I live!?”, Kate shouted, her whole body shaking with panic and frustration. “I can’t fucking do this, I can’t take it. I’m going to fail math, Martin’s right! And he will find out! And he’ll act just the way dad would have!”

“Better join her!”, Martin shouted in her head.

Kate looked up with tears in her eyes but didn’t see him.

“Sure”, she laughed bitterly. “Then Martin would be happy, wouldn’t he? I'd join her and everyone would be fucking happy!”

Her hands trembled and she looked at the knife on the counter, which she had wanted to use to cut the ingredients for the fruit salad she had wanted to make. It could for sure cut so much more than just fruits. Kate’s breath trembled when she lifted the knife. One cut. It had been so easy, when Riley rammed it into her thigh. It would be just as easy to ram it somewhere else.

She saw herself in its reflection. She could see every single tear that escaped her. The knife was shaking in her hand, reminding her even more of her panic and desperation.

“Better join her”, Martin’s voice shouted again.

The knife weighed down heavy in Kate’s hand.

“Don’t, Kate, don’t even think of doing it!”, her best friend suddenly appeared in front of her. “Kate, listen to me. You’re going to get through this!”, she shouted, desperate for Kate to listen.

“No!”, Kate answered loudly, tears dropping down her cheeks. “Don’t you understand?! I won’t! Martin’s right! You’re gone and I should just join you! I… It won’t get better.”

“Kate…”

“Shut up”, Kate cried, sliding down the kitchen cabinet until she was sitting on the floor, the knife still in her hand.

“Kate, listen…”

“Shut up Chess, shut up! You- fuck you’re not even here anymore!”, Kate sobbed. “You aren’t yourself, you’re just my desperation! Don’t you understand!?”

She let her head fall onto her knees, pulling them as close to her body as possible. “Don’t you understand this? You’re gone! Martin’s right, I should join you!”

Her sobs grew more violent, the longer she let herself be sucked into the spiral of thoughts and frustration.

“Kate.”

“Shut up, Chess”, she snapped looking up again. “Shut the fuck up. Please, just leave me alone. Please, I- You’re dead! And the only way I ever want to talk to you again is in person and not when you’re a fucking ghost!”

Chess was dead. She was gone, forever, and she would never come back. She was-

“Kate, listen to me. I’ll always be a part of you…”

“You already are!”, she shouted back. “And was it of any use for me?! Was it? I need you here, Chess. Here. And I _know_ that you’re gone, that’s the fucking problem!”

She fell into a coughing fit from all the tears and held onto the knife harder. “If you were here, I wouldn’t be in this situation right now! I know what you mean, but it doesn’t help!”

She looked up, into the eyes of her dead best friend, shaking. “Mom refuses to tell Martin and Frank the truth, because she thinks that they’ll get over it and are just teasing me. I haven’t seen Frank around yet, because he probably doesn’t even want to talk to me and Martin literally told me to kill myself!”

Chess reached out a hand to her, but Kate didn’t even try taking it. “You’re gone”, she told her instead, crying. “You’re gone, Chess. No matter how hard you try, you’re gone. And you won’t return.”

It was weak and pathetic of Kate, to feel sorry for herself, but she didn’t find anything else left for herself to do. “Martin’s right, I should just go on and join you”, she said, but when she looked up again, Chess was gone.

“You’re gone”, she repeated, a new wave of tears welling up in her eyes and streaming down her cheeks. “You’re gone and I’m left here. It’s… Fuck it’s over. My family either hates me or doesn’t care about me or wants me to kill myself! And you’re gone.”

This was it. She was alone.

“It’s over. Congratulations! You did it! Are you happy now?”, she shouted at no one in particular and looked at everything around her from behind a curtain of tears.

Trembling, she lifted the knife again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I'm sorry, I really am. I- I don't know, I kinda blacked out, wrote more words than I usually do and this happened. I'm sorry. But thank you so, so much for reading, really, thank you!! I'll read you next time!


	14. And I’m not sure that I’m ok (But I get stronger everyday)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *chanting from the distance* heaaalinggg

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of suicide
> 
> chapter title from the song "Finale" from "We are the tigers" even though, ironically, this is not the finale just yet

Eva was still smiling a little at the thought of her brothers, when she got off the bus.

It was amazing, how easy everything for little children was. They could effortlessly be excited about a book where various animals befriended each other and went on an adventure. They could imagine that someday exactly this would happen.

She envied them, of their ability to block out reality and see the world through their own eyes.

No wonder Peter Pan never wanted to grow up. He wouldn’t have worried about his father being in a coma and paying bills and the homophobic family of his boyfriend.

He would simply fly.

She pulled her jacket closer against the wind and once again made sure, that she hadn’t forgotten to remove the pin. Her jacket felt incomplete without it, but she would do anything for Kate. Anything, that would keep her safe.

Eva quickly texted Kate, that she would be there in about ten minutes and pulled her headphones out of her bag.

The clouds above her seemed bigger than before and she could already feel the raindrops, that would drop down onto her head in a few seconds. She cursed herself for not bringing an umbrella and got a move on.

But suddenly someone barged into her and her headphones nearly fell to the ground.

“Watch where you’re going”, the man cursed at her.

“You ran into me”, Eva defended herself, putting her headphones into her bag.

The man turned around, rubbing his temples and Eva’s brain woke up from the standby mode it had been. Where had she seen this face already?

“Look, I’m really having a horrible day and have better things to do, than listening to you having a cow.”

“I’m not”, Eva answered, thousands of images flashing through her brain. “I just wanted to clarify, that I didn’t knock you over-“ She stopped abruptly. The face of the man flashed through her brain combined with his voice. She knew him. “Martin?”, she asked, furling her eyebrows.

“Do I know you?”, he snapped.

“Yes, I mean… no. But I know you. You’re Kate’s brother, aren’t you?”

She had seen a picture of him at Kate’s house before. It had been taken right after his graduation.

“You know my sister?”, Martin asked, positioning himself comfortably standing on the street – not looking like he was about to run away any second anymore.

Eva nodded, one hand on the carrying strap of her bag. “Yeah, I’m her girlfriend…”

The moment she had said these words, she regretted them. She remembered, what Kate had told her about Martin and bit her lip, angry with herself.

Martin's expression changed. “You’re that shitface?”, he growled. “Man, I go for a walk to get away from my _gay_ sister and now there are fucking rainbow warriors everywhere?! Couldn’t you at least have left my sister alone!?”

Eva backed away a little. “Why do you have so many problems with gay people?” Maybe, if she talked to him calmly, he would listen.

“God, just shut up”, Martin spit, “and… I don’t know. Do the world a favor and jump off a bridge or something, no one needs you here.” He spat onto the ground in front of Eva and turned around, already walking away.

“Hey”, Eva shouted after him.

Martin looked back. “What?”, he snapped.

“Did you say that shit to Kate as well?”, Eva asked, her hands trembling at the thought of her girlfriend having to endure the slurs her brother must have thrown at her.

“Do you mean the truth?”, Martin asked smugly, turned around for good and walked away.

Before Eva could say anything else, he was out of earshot.

“Dumbass”, she murmured and turned around again.

She thought of his words again and her breath caught. She let her thoughts wander to her girlfriend again. Martin had so carelessly told her, that she should jump off a bridge. What must he have said to Ka…?

She should’ve never let her go home so early. She should’ve known, that things wouldn’t turn out well. Why had Martin had to show up? Kate didn’t deserve this!

She pulled out her phone and called Kate, walking even faster. She was worried about her, couldn’t even begin to imagine, what kind of things Martin must’ve told her. He sounded even more horrible than Frank.

Kate didn’t pick up and she bit her tongue, starting to run while putting her phone away. Something she couldn’t place told her, that she needed to get to Kate as quickly as possible. She had just met Martin and already knew, that he wasn’t better than Kate’s father in any way.

She arrived at Kate’s house faster than she normally would’ve and found the front door to be unlocked. She went in, taking off her shoes and trying to catch her breath while her heart started pumping the blood through her body even faster.

She went up to Kate’s room and found the door wide open. “Hey”, she said. “I just met Martin, are you alright?”

No one answered and only now did she notice, that Kate’s room was empty.

Eva pulled out her phone again and with trembling fingers called Kate again. No one picked up.

But she heard a tone from downstairs - the ringtone, Kate had set specifically for her. Normally she would blush at it, but instead she jogged downstairs. Her heartbeat increased again at the thought of Martin’s words.

She followed the tone and entered the kitchen. Her breath caught in her throat and she came to an abrupt halt.

Kate was sitting on the floor, shaking and staring down onto the floor. She held a knife in her hand, her eyes were filled with tears. Eva could see blood stains on the floor.

“Kate?”, she asked, her voice breaking right after the first letter. Kate looked up and she walked towards her. “Kate are you…?”

Eva stopped herself. Of course, Kate wasn’t ok. She was trembling like an aspen leaf, holding a knife.

“Listen, I met Martin”, she said gently, kneeling in front of her. Kate looked down, not saying anything. “What he said isn’t true”, Eva continued. “Look up, listen to me, I’m here.”

“No, you-you…”, Kate stuttered, but silenced and looked up, directly into Eva’s eyes. Kate’s eyes were glazed over. “Eva…”

“I’m here”, Eva repeated urgently. “Listen to me, Kate. I’m here. I won’t leave.”

“But… _she_ is gone… and you…”

Eva understood. “But I won’t leave”, she repeated. “Listen to me, I won't leave. I’ll always be there.”

Kate nodded slowly, mouthing an “Ok”.

“Did Martin…?”, Eva started, and Kate nodded.

“He’s a dick”, Eva stated calmly while trying to regain her breath. “What he said isn’t true. You mustn’t believe him.” She noticed Kate’s grip around the knife loosening. “I’m going to take it, ok?” She pointed at the knife and Kate nodded, her breath stuttering from trying to breathe normally again.

Eva reached for the knife and took it out of Kate’s hands, putting it down on the counter. She spotted a red line on Kate’s arm and lifted it a bit. Kate watched, as she let her finger run over the vertical, still bloody cut and hissed in pain.

“It’s ok”, Eva promised again and took off her jacket, to press it onto the cut.

“I- Martin”, Kate stuttered, tears falling down her cheeks. “He…” Again, she didn’t finish the sentence.

“What he told you isn’t true”, Eva said earnestly, not even needing Kate to continue, to understand. She let Kate’s arm rest on her knees and pressed the jacket further down, letting Kate hold her other hand.

“He- he doesn’t want me here”, Kate whimpered. “He hates m-… and Dad…”

“Your father’s a dick”, Eva interrupted her calmly, feeling Kate fastening her grip around her hand. “And Martin’s too. Whatever they told you, it’s not true.”

Kate didn’t react, only held onto her hand harder and Eva held Kate’s hand as well. “They’re wrong.”

When Kate spoke again, it was a mere whisper. “He told me to join her.”

Eva didn’t say anything, only pressed the jacket onto the cut harder, to make sure that no blood would escape it.

“He… Chess. I… He said, that I should join her. That I deserve it, because I-I…” She stopped and a tear rolled down her cheek. “Because I’m gay. And that Chess deserved to die …” A sob silenced her and Eva’s heart broke in two. “And he said that I’ll fail math and he… he believes what dad told him and he wants me to die-…”

Kate didn’t continue, and Eva only nodded, biting back her own tears from seeing her girlfriend like this. “It’s ok if you don’t want to continue”, she murmured and rubbed her thumb over the back of Kate’s hand.

Kate nodded and mouthed a “Thank you” at her, no words leaving her mouth.

“Let’s get this bandaged up”, Eva suggested, pointing to Kate’s arm and she nodded. She pulled the still shaking Kate up with her and still let her hold her hand, removed the jacket from her arm and let it fall to the floor carelessly.

They went to the bathroom, Kate still sniffling and wiping away new tears that escaped her. Eva calmed her down, telling her, that she was ok and that she was with her now.

Reminding her, that what Martin had said was a lie and that Chess didn’t deserve to die.

She bandaged Kate’s arm, luckily the Dalton’s had some dressing left, and then they sat down on the couch in the living room. Kate sat up straight, but as soon as Eva sat down next to her, she noticed how she was still shaking.

She carefully pulled Kate a bit closer, who rested her head against her shoulder, taking a shaky breath. Eva turned on the TV as a distraction and let her thumb trace patterns over the back of Kate’s hand.

“Can you promise me something?”, she asked after a rough half hour, in which neither of them had spoken.

Kate looked up a bit from her shoulder, into her eyes. “What?” Her voice immediately broke.

“I never want to find you like this again”, Eva said earnestly. “Please… just call me and I’ll be there.”

Kate nodded. “I will”, she whispered. “I… I didn’t think. I… It all happened too quickly and I couldn’t take it and then… I didn’t think.”

“I understand”, Eva said gently. "But I'll always be there." 

With this they fell silent again. So many things hadn’t been said, but somehow both of them knew that it was ok this way. It was enough, to just sit there and hear the other breathing and feel the other’s hand.

Eva suppressed the pictures of Kate sitting on the kitchen floor. She had held the knife in such a position, that she could’ve easily rammed it into her throat. Blood had been dripping from her arm.

If Eva would have arrived just minutes later…

“But she’s fine now”, she reassured herself. Eva told herself that every few minutes. Kate was fine now. Just like her father, she would be fine.

He had always told Eva, that things would turn out ok in the end.

After some time, Kate stopped shaking for good and scooted a bit closer to Eva, letting go of a breath. Eva leant her cheek against Kate’s head.

The quiet, peaceful bubble they were in, was destroyed by someone opening the front door. Kate’s head shot up from Eva’s shoulder and she stared through the doorway. Eva felt her scooting a bit closer to her and put a second hand over Kate’s, to assure her, that she wasn’t alone.

Eva heard someone taking off their shoes and humming a melody she didn’t know.

For a second, she thought of just standing up and leaving the living room together with Kate, but she decided against it. Whoever had come home had probably heard the TV already anyway.

“Holy shit, what the fuck happened here?”, she recognized Frank’s voice coming from the kitchen. “Kate, you home?”

“Living room”, Kate next to her said loudly, her voice still not sounding quite like her own. But Eva was surprised, at how calm Kate seemed.

Frank dragged his feet into the living room. “Oh, hey”, he greeted, burying his hands in the pocket of his jeans and looked at Eva.

She raised an eyebrow. “Hey”, she greeted back warily.

Frank didn’t say anything for a while, but then pointed behind his back towards the kitchen. “What happened in there? Were you making spaghetti and dropped the sauce or something?”

Eva noticed his gaze wandering from her to Kate and then to the bandage around Kate’s arm.

“What’s that?”, he asked, pointing at it.

Kate didn’t say anything, only looked down and held onto Eva’s hand harder. Eva stroked her thumb over the back of Kate’s hand.

“What is it?”, Frank asked again. Seemingly his braincell started working and he came a bit closer, pointing at Kate’s arm again.

“Martin”, Kate murmured, and Eva noticed the pain in her voice.

“Yeah, he’s here. Cool right?”

If Eva had been allowed to, she would’ve probably stood up and bitchslapped Frank for being so oblivious, but she stayed at Kate’s side. That was more important than anything right now.

Kate didn’t say anything, only swallowed hard. “Why are you talking to us, anyways?”, Eva asked, to fill the silence. “We still haven’t changed, you know?”

She didn’t dare saying anything, that could remind Kate of Martin even more. She didn’t want to remind her of him unnecessarily.

“Yeah, about that.” Frank scratched his neck and looked down. Eva couldn’t find anything left in his expression, that conformed with how he had acted, the time she had gotten Kate’s stuff. “Mom talked to me.”

“I know”, Kate murmured, still sounding a bit afraid of saying anything. “She told me.”

“Ok, good.” Frank said nothing for a while, just opening and closing his mouth and nothing coming out.

Eva would have never thought that Frank could even act this way. He seemed to be at a loss of words, and even if Eva didn’t want to admit it, it made her a bit happy. With every passing second, where he struggled to find the right words, she felt Kate relaxing next to her.

“So…”, Kate suggested.

“So”, Frank repeated. He looked up, first at Eva and then at Kate. “I’m sorry”, he said. “I really am. I mean… Mom and I talked and… look, I know that what I said might not have been cool.”

“It definitely wasn’t cool”, Eva interrupted. Kate nodded.

Frank nodded as well, kneading his fingers. “Yeah, you’re right, it wasn’t. I was a dick and I’m sorry for that.”

“It hurt”, Kate said silently looking at Frank. “What you said hurt.”

Frank looked, like he was feeling rather unsettled. He avoided looking Kate in the eye and kneaded the thumb of his left hand with his right hand. “I know. But I won’t ever say it again.”

Eva squeezed Kate’s hand when she looked at her and smiled encouragingly

“I guess you didn’t ask mom about dad”, Kate said, and Frank shook his head.

Kate started telling Frank how it really went and as soon as Eva noticed her voice breaking or felt her growing uneasy, she squeezed her hand. In the end, Kate had scooted so close to her, that Eva had lain an arm around her waist.

After she had finished, Frank didn’t say anything for some time and then nodded slowly. “Does Martin know?”, was the first thing he asked.

“Are you saying that you believe me?”, Kate asked, and Eva smiled at her slightly.

Frank nodded. “Yeah, it makes sense. Definitely way more sense than Dad’s story.”

Kate smiled a little and Eva’s world lit up at it.

“But does Martin know?”, Frank asked again.

“He…”, Kate started, but silenced shortly after. “He doesn’t believe me. And he… he…” She lifted the arm Eva had bandaged a little. “He’s also kind of responsible for this”, she said with a breathy voice.

“What?”

Eva immediately felt Kate tensing up and looked at her. “Can you expl-…?”, Kate asked, her voice dying away after the first words and she nodded in response.

“Of course.” Eva knew, that Kate wouldn’t bear saying the words out loud again.

Frank walked over to a stool and sat down. “What’s going on?”

“You knew Chess, right?”, she asked, and Frank nodded. He seemed a lot more relaxed now.

Eva cleared her throat, before continuing. “She’s dead”, she stated calmly.

Frank’s eyes immediately shot wide open. “What, why? Kate, are you ok!?”

Kate murmured something and shook her head. Eva pressed a short kiss to her hair to calm her down. “It’s ok”, she murmured before looking at Frank again.

“Why is she dead?”, Frank repeated, honest concern swirling in his voice.

“Not important”, Kate muttered, wiping at one of her eyes.

Eva took a breath, to tell Frank how it went as calmly as possible. “Martin wasn’t exactly… empathetic about it”, she explained further. “He told Kate that she deserved to be dead…”

“What kind of bullshit is that?”, Frank asked loudly.

“Dunno”, Kate mumbled, chuckling a little. “He told me to join her. Because I’m gay”, she then said. “And I… lost it.”

Eva pressed another short kiss to her hair, unable to do anything else.

Frank stood up without a word and walked into the kitchen, returning with Eva’s jacket, that she had dropped on the floor there. “Is that…”, he pointed to the stains on the jacket, “and the stuff on the floor… is it your blood, Kate?” His voice was hysteric, but not threatening. No. It was worried.

Eva nodded, so Kate wouldn’t have to, and Frank handed her back the jacket.

He sat down on the stool and ran a hand through his hair. “Holy fuck. I thought I was a dick, but this… He told you to kill yourself?”

Kate nodded.

Frank shook his head. “Where’s Martin now?”

“Went for a walk”, Kate answered.

Eva thanked everyone there was to thank in her thoughts for that. Frank murmured something that Eva couldn’t understand, and he already opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again at the sound of the front door opening. He stood up and Eva followed him with her gaze.

She heard Frank cursing under his breath. "Speaking of the devil."

“Frank, you’re home!”, Martin shouted happily and Kate tensed up next to Eva. They stood up at nearly the same time, Kate holding onto Eva’s hand and walked out of the living room.

“What the fuck’s wrong with you, Martin?”, Frank responded to his brother greeting him.

“Calm down, what is it?”

“You told Kate to kill herself!”, Frank interrupted him loudly.

Kate winced but wouldn’t move, so Eva remained stood as close to her as possible.

Martin frowned and stopped taking off his coat halfway through. “Why would you think that?” His voice was dripping with feigned innocence.

“You know what you did”, Eva now said calmly.

Martin looked at her and his expression darkened. “Didn’t I tell you to jump off a bridge? What are you doing here?”

“What?”, Kate looked at Eva with a startled expression, but she shrugged it off, making a dismissive hand gesture.

“You did what?”, Frank said.

He seemed so caring, so protective, Eva suddenly felt safe around him. Everything, how he acted, how his voice sounded… it showed nothing else than sincere care.

Martin took off his coat for good and wanted to hang it into the cupboard next to him, but Frank took it as soon as it was hanging on the hook and handed it back to him. “No offence dude, but you’ve lost your mind. You’re completely fucking crazy.”

“I thought you were on my side!” Martin’s face became red and Frank firmly pushed him out of the doorway.

“I was. And I apologized. I was a dick, but you are just a complete maniac”, he stated matter-of-factly and pushed him out of the house completely, slamming the door shut into his face.

He turned around to Kate and Eva again. “I know I already said it, but I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I was acting like…”, he pointed to the door, sighing, “this.”

“It’s ok”, Kate murmured. “You really mean it?”

Frank laughed a little. “I just threw out our own brother, but if that isn’t any indication... Yes, I really mean it.” He looked at Eva. “And I’m sorry that I called you that shit. I was a dick.”

Eva smiled a little. “Forgiven.”

* * *

It was the middle of the night and Kate woke up. She hadn’t dreamed of anything, had been sleeping peacefully, but still.

She sat up, ran a hand through her hair and took a breath. She took a sip from the glass of water on her nightstand and looked at the bandage around her arm. Eva had drawn a small heart onto it, before she had left.

She stood up and went to her desk, opening her laptop and sitting down. The Skype application opened itself and she clicked onto her best friend’s name.

“Hey”, she typed. “Haven’t done this in a while, I know.”

“I’m pretty sure that you already know about everything that happened, but I’m going to tell you again anyways.”

She took a breath before continuing.

“And I know that you won’t answer.”

“But I have to do this.”

“Because I miss you.”

“And there's no other way for me to tell you this.”

She let her gaze wander over the last messages and took another deep breath.

“I won’t see you in person again, I know.”

“And I miss you, I really do.”

“But I won’t join you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEALING! HEALING! HEALINFHSFH!! Finally! We finally reached that point! And I don't have much left to say, except: Thank you SO much for reading annnnd I'll read you next time!!


	15. I’ve got you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tears, fluff, heALING

It was too late to be awake. She was tired, longing for sleep and relaxation. Her mind wanted nothing more than to get some rest.

But Kate would finish this.

“I know”, she murmured, staring at the laptop screen and crossing her arms in front of her chest. “I know that you can’t hear me and in fact I’m just talking to myself. But I have to.”

Before even thinking about it she stood up and walked over to her closet. She pulled out Chess’ sweatshirt and put it on.

“Don’t laugh at me”, she told the chat, sitting down at her desk again. “I just… I feel safe wearing it, ok? It’s the only thing that’s left of you here.”

As if some kind of supernatural force had heard her words, something on her arm suddenly felt warm and she hitched up one of the sleeves of the sweatshirt. Kate spotted the friendship bracelet, Chess had been wearing the counterpart to.

She sighed and lifted it up, showing it to the chat. “Remember when you showed me this? Because I was so worried about you going to college.”

Her fingers wandered over the bracelet. “You said, we’re gonna be fine. Remember?”

Kate was convinced, that what she was doing was crazy, but it didn’t matter. She had pretended, that everything was fine in grief council for so long and now she had to pick up the pieces. And if that meant talking to her, then that’s what she would do.

“Well, I guess you really are fine”, she murmured.

The chat in front of her wasn’t enough anymore and she clicked onto the icon of a folder she hadn’t opened in what felt like forever. She clicked through the pictures of her and Chess and let go of a breath, trying to calm herself down as soon as her heartbeat increased at the memories.

She opened the chat again. “Sorry, I can’t… look at you. Not being a ghost, I mean. It…”

It felt too surreal and real at the same time.

“It just makes the fact that you’re… gone…” She bit her lip and felt tears welling up in her eyes.

“It’s too real”, Kate continued watery. “I look at a picture of you and me and it’s like a punch in the face and a voice telling me, that everything wasn’t just an enormous dream I was stupid enough to dream.”

Her thoughts drifted to one of the many times she had talked to Chess in a dream. “You told me to stop dreaming and honestly, I can’t promise that I will, but I’ll try.” She hesitated before continuing. “Maybe I’ll just dream of you, when I really miss you”, she then chuckled, wiping away a tear and cleared her throat.

“But I promised to tell you what happened today.” She placed her fingers on the keyboard. “So, here it goes.”

And she told her everything. Every little thing. Not only what had happened that day, but also days before. She told her about Eva’s father again, about every little thing that had occurred, and every worrying thought she had had.

She told her about her father again, told her about her brothers again, recalling moments from her childhood, when she and Chess had laughed at her brothers, when they had done something wrong.

At one point she typed: “You know what would be cool? If you and I were Peter Pan. A few months ago, we should have transformed into Peter Pan and should’ve never grown up. Our time together would’ve lasted forever.”

But when she thought of it again, that wasn’t what she wanted.

The only thing she wanted, were for things not to be the way they were. She didn’t want her best friend to be gone.

“Scratch that, I don’t want to be a teenager forever”, she corrected herself.

“No offence, Chess”, she then chuckled lightly, “but I really don’t want to join you either. I-I want to see you again, I really do… but not this way. And only seeing you all the time, if I join you… I don’t want that.”

She took her hands off her keyboard and kneaded them slightly.

“I want to finish the present I started for your birthday and give it to you and see your reaction. I want to see you and complain about cheering and then laugh about it. I want to tell you everything about Eva and I want to see you smiling and telling me, that you’re happy for me and I want movie nights with you.”

Kate’s fingers followed her friendship bracelet.

“I want to talk to you again and eat ice cream and share a pizza after school and everything else…” She waterily chuckled again . “But I don’t want to join you”, she whispered silently. “I want you to be here and... I know, that seeing you as a ghost is better than nothing, but I don’t want to join you.”

For the next few minutes there was nothing to be heard, except for Kate’s silent crying.

When there were no new tears following the old ones, Kate pulled the sweatshirt closer again and a shiver ran through her.

Her hands trembling, she typed “Thank you” and hit Send.

She stared at the laptop screen, somehow refusing to go to bed just yet.

And with a sudden blast of energy, Kate opened the document. The clock read 3:42 a.m. and if that wasn’t the right time, to finally continue working on the birthday present, Kate didn’t know what time was.

* * *

“How did the project go? Did you get a lot of work done?”, Eva’s mother asked, not looking up from the forms she was filling in.

Eva sat down at the dining table, after she had gotten an apple for dinner. “More or less”, she replied, taking a bite from the apple and looking down. “Not a lot, in fact. We didn’t have much time. But we’ll get it done.”

“That’s good.”

The automatic reply she got assured Eva, that her mother was worrying about different things right now.

“Why don’t you take a break?”, she asked carefully. “We’re going to scrape up the money, stop worrying about it that much.”

Her mother looked up, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. “I’m not worrying.”

Eva sighed. “Yes, you are. Give yourself a break.”

“I have to get this done. How about you go to bed?”, her mother repelled.

“You can’t keep avoiding the truth, mom. We’re going to get the money somehow, but you have got to stop destroying yourself for it.” Eva had recognized the signs. Every night, she had heard her mother talking on the phone and avoiding the topic of her father at the same time. She knew.

“I’m not destroy-“, her mother blinked but Eva cut her off.

“You are, mom. Stop denying it.” She stood up and picked up her bag. “You and I both know that it’s going to be ok. Try to believe that.” Eva smiled at her mother tiredly and then went to her room.

She put her stuff down and let go of a breath she didn’t know she had been holding. Why did everything always have to happen at once?

It couldn’t just be one problem at a time, no, it had to be a mountain of problems and she was buried underneath it!

But what else to do, than having a good cry and then forgetting it?

She sat down on her mattress, supporting her head with her hands.

One time, just one time, she wanted to have a normal life. She only wanted to meet up with friends and procrastinate schoolwork and not be the best at anything and come home to her parents and discuss some irrelevant topic with them.

She didn’t want to have to take extra shifts and study all night so her family would still be able to afford food in a few weeks. She didn’t want to think about her father.

But she did.

Because what else was she supposed to do in a situation like this?

“Please wake up”, she murmured. “It’s selfish, I know. A few weeks ago, I was still thinking of transferring back to West High to feel like I belong somewhere. To not feel like the outcast who doesn’t even have her license, because her family is too poor to afford it.”

Her thoughts drifted.

“But you told me, how proud you are. And I just continued because of you. But now I really don’t want to go back to West High. I wake up everyday knowing, that I’ll see my teammates and Kate and have classes I’m interested in. It’s selfish, I know. But I really don’t want to transfer anymore.”

She looked up and let go of a breath.

“Thanks dad”, she murmured. “Thanks for… telling me, that I can do whatever I want to do, and you’ll still be there. And thanks for telling me that you’re proud. Thank you.”

She stood up again, pulled her schoolbooks out of her bag and placed them on a pile of other schoolbooks.

With a shaky breath she got ready to pull an all-nighter, to work on her and Kate’s project and study for the Biology exam.

Because what else to do?

* * *

The following days, Kate felt like in a state of trance. School flew by.

She had lost all energy to focus onto anything and was just walking around, internally always clinging onto the knowledge, that things had turned out ok.

Her mother had forbidden Martin to come home, if he didn’t change his opinion. It hurt Kate to see yet another member of her family breaking away from her, but it was for the better. No matter how often she had looked up to Martin when she had still been in kindergarten, times had changed.

He never called her, her father never did as well.

She always studied until far past midnight, practically absorbing the different topics, until she couldn’t distinguish between letters and numbers anymore.

Sometimes, when she went to the kitchen to get herself a glass of water, she would see Frank sitting on the couch and scrolling down his phone. All the while, he was murmuring various terms related to the LGBTQIA+ community.

It always made a smile appear on her face.

In school, she was tired, not capable of absorbing any information.

She and Eva barely talked to each other. During lunch they used to rest their heads on each other’s shoulders, while constantly switching between listening to Reese and Cairo discussing something about the routine and focusing onto their notes.

It was the day before the math exam and practice had just ended. They had had practice in the afternoon again, so the day had already been far too long.

The situation got even worse, when Cairo asked Kate to stay a little longer, when everyone else already went to the changing room.

“What is it?”, Kate frowned, sitting down on a bank.

Cairo came up to her and sat down next to her, holding onto her clipboard. “What do you think of the routine?”

Kate raised an eyebrow. “Why are you asking me this?”

Cairo cleared her throat and pointed at the clipboard. “What do you think of these moves?” She used her pen to point at a quick drawing she had made. “Do you think the people will like them?”

Kate took a look at the clipboard and then back at Cairo. “What do you want, Cairo? I need to study.”

“Be a bit nicer”, her best friend suddenly appeared, and Kate looked directly at her.

It was the first time since she had nearly jammed a knife into her stomach, that she saw her. The memory made her feel dizzy, but she shook her head and continued staring at Chess, who was standing right behind Cairo’s shoulder.

“She’s not perfect. Just try being a bit nicer”, Chess advised again.

“Kate!”

As quickly as Chess had appeared, was she gone again, and Kate blinked rapidly and looked at Cairo. “Sorry.”

“What is going on with you?”, Cairo now asked, putting down her clipboard.

Kate shook her head in a defensive gesture. “Nothing. Just stressed out.”

“You know that that’s a lie. What’s up?”

Kate sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “Can you just explain to me why you wanted me to stay? Please.”

Cairo sighed. “As a captain, I have to make sure everyone one the team is ok. I know we’ve had our difficulties, but…”

“Had?”, Kate interrupted laughing sarcastically. “No offence, Cai. But I think that verb belongs into the section of the present.”

“Are you going to tell me what’s up, or not!?”, Cairo snapped.

Kate laughed. “There you go. That’s the Cairo I know. Now why did you want me to stay?”

“You’re killing me”, Cairo muttered somberly and looked down onto the clipboard. “Ok, good. I just thought it would be nice to get different opinions on the routine than just my own and Reese’s. I want everyone to like it.”

“Then why’d you choose me?”

Cairo shrugged. “You’re the most honest.”

“Ok, that’s fair”, Kate muttered. She remembered Chess’ words and took a breath.

“I think the routine’s good”, she smiled. “Reese and you put a lot of hard work into it and it was worth it.” She smiled at Cairo and noticed the other girl’s expression relaxing.

Cairo smiled as well. “Thank you, Kate”, she said genuinely. “I just want to be a good captain.”

Kate stood up, to make her way out of the gym. “I already told you, that you are. I know that you’re comparing yourself to Riley but stop that. She was good, too. She just… made wrong choices. You are a good captain.”

With that she turned around and left the gym.

“Everything alright?”, Eva, who had been waiting for her, asked and she nodded.

“Yeah, Cairo just wanted to talk about the routine.”

They went out of the school and waited for Eva’s bus. Kate had made a habit of it. Admittedly, it lost her time she could use to study, but on the other hand these were the only moments she got alone with Eva, where they could just stand in silence.

Eva yawned slightly and Kate looked up. She had rested her head on Eva’s shoulder.

“Tired?”

“Mhm.”

“Well, then go to sleep earlier”, Kate teased softly, and Eva laughed a little.

“Yeah, that won’t work out. I have to go to work and study.”

Kate sighed. “I can still help you. I can lend you some money, it’s no problem.”

Eva smiled a little. “That’s very sweet. But it’s just that one exam, I’ll manage work after that.”

Kate didn’t say anything else, having given up on the conversation and they parted when Eva’s bus arrived, pressing short kisses to each other’s cheeks. Kate sighed and waved her goodbye, before she went to her car.

\-----

The clock read midnight, when Kate called her. It took Eva long to pick up and she sounded worn out, when she answered.

“Kate, what is it?”

“Are you still awake?”, Kate asked, saving the first part of their presentation that she had just written and leaning back against the back of her chair.

“Yeah, why?”

Kate smiled a little. “Go to sleep. I don’t want you falling asleep tomorrow in history.”

She heard a sigh from the other end. “You know that I have to study…”

“What functions do lysosomes have?”, Kate interrupted her, clicking onto the webpage with the information about it.

“They contain certain enzymes and basically destroy all the garbage inside of an animal cell, why?”

Kate chuckled. “See, you don’t need to study, you know everything. Go to bed.”

There was silence on the other end, but then Eva sighed, and Kate chuckled a little at it. “Good, ok. I’ll go to sleep. But you aren’t allowed to study any more either.”

“You know that I’ve got…”

“The math exam, I know.” There was silence and then Eva cleared her throat. “What do you do with Vieta’s formula?”, she then asked, and a bolt of knowledge shot through Kate’s brain. Everything she had studied came back, including the breaks she had taken, to continue working on her best friend's present.

“You use it, when it comes to the topic of quadratic equations”, she sighed, recognizing, what Eva had done. “Good, I’m going to sleep. See you tomorrow?”

“Definitely”, Eva promised.

They said their goodbyes and Kate put her phone away. She saved the document she had continued to write for Chess' birthday and then let herself fall into her bed.

Within seconds she had fallen asleep.

\-----

The next day, when Kate saw Eva in school, there weren’t any words needed. They just smiled at each other. She went up to her and at the same time Eva started walking towards her. They hugged each other, both pulling themselves closer to the other at the same time.

“Thanks for making me go to sleep”, Eva chuckled.

Kate chuckled as well. “Same for you.”

It were these little things, that made Kate believe, that everything was going to be fine. That they were going to be ok, somehow. She would need time, but she wouldn’t join Chess. She was sure of that. And Eva would probably continue going to the limit and working as hard as possible.

“I’ve got you”, Kate then murmured. “I know, that it’s not about that now, but I’ll help you... with the money-shit. You don’t have to manage everything alone.”

Eva swallowed hard. “Thank you. Thank you so, so much.” Kate noticed the relief in Eva's voice and felt her swiftly kissing her cheek. "Thank you." There were a few moments of silence, where they just stayed in each other's arms, before Eva spoke again. "I’ve got you, too.”

They pulled back, intertwining their hands; ready, to face what would be the turquoise end of the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okaaay,,, we have reached that point,, this was the second last chapter pals!! Thank you all SO much for reading annnnd, for one last time: I'll read you next time!


	16. You said We're gonna be fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm emotional (:

Eva’s eyes fell shut every few seconds and every time she had to force herself more to open them again.

She missed the lock a few times, before she unlocked the door and went inside.

Eva murmured a greeting to the kitchen, where her mother and brothers were sitting, and went to her room, letting her bag fall to the ground and taking off her cap from work. She let it fall to the ground and fell onto her mattress.

Taking a few deep breaths, she turned around and stared at the blank ceiling.

Someone knocked on the door and Eva looked at it. Her mother opened it and remained stood in the door frame.

Eva sat up and frowned a little. “Everything ok?”, she asked yawning. Work had exhausted her.

Her mother nodded. “It is, don’t worry. I was just thinking we could talk.”

Eva wanted to sleep. She wanted to catch up on all the sleep she had lost, and think of her dad and she wanted to text Kate and smile at her replies.

“Sure.”

She ran a hand through her hair to make it look less messy and waited.

“What you said yesterday… Is it really that easy to notice?”, her mother asked.

“Do you mean noticing your worries? And phone calls?” Eva tried to ease the situation by smiling a little and then nodded. “It is.”

Her mother nodded understandingly. “I’m sorry for that, Eva. I didn’t realize… I’m just your mother, I want to protect you from everything and don’t want you to worry…”

“It’s ok, mom. But you can’t protect me from everything. And I just don’t want you going crazy trying to keep the façade of everything being ok up”, Eva answered, sitting up fully now, placing her feet on the ground.

Eva’s mother sighed. “Ok. Thank you.” There were a few moments of silence, none of them saying anything, before her mother continued. “I’m worried.”

“I figured”, Eva replied. “But it’s ok. I’m too.”

Once again, her mother sighed, and Eva noticed her fidgeting with her wedding band. “It’s just very hard to accept it.”

Eva nodded, looked down and then up again. “I know. And I’m totally with you there, but… You know just as well as I do, that dad’s going to be ok. You know, that you don’t have to stay up all night, thinking of paying bills.”

“I know sweetie, but somebody has to…”

“No, mom. Just help Oskar and Jacob with their homework and cook and sing songs like you normally would”, Eva interrupted. “Just act like you normally would, that’s easier for everyone.”

Eva’s voice was trembling. She shouldn’t have to tell her mother how to act, yet here she was. But maybe her mother would understand after this. “Just be yourself, mom. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone”, she added, smiling a small reassuring smile.

Her mother didn’t say anything for a while, but then nodded and Eva noticed her swallowing a lump in her throat.

“Ok”, she said with a breathy voice. “Thank you, sweetie.”

“Just be yourself, mom”, Eva repeated and bit the inside of her lip, to keep herself from crying.

Eva noticed the tears in the corners of her mom’s eyes when she left. She closed the door and Eva let go of a breath.

It wasn’t fair, that _she_ had had to keep her mother from worrying. But it did no good to dwell in the past now. So, she accepted it. And she lay down and let go of a final breath, before falling asleep, still wearing her work clothes.

The day had been long, but it had brought enough good things with itself, that made up for that.

* * *

Kate’s fingers flew over the keyboard, she didn’t even have to think anymore.

“I know, that you would tell me to go to sleep right now”, she murmured. “I know. And I’m thankful for that, because you’re the most incredible person in the world. But I need to finish this now or else I never will. Or else, you won’t ever know, what I think. And you have to.”

The room fell into silence again, only the sounds of the keyboard were to be heard. Until someone knocked on the door and Kate wheeled around. Frank was standing there, scratching the back of his neck.

“Can I come in?”

Kate frowned but nodded, saving the document. “Sure, what is it?”

She turned around on her chair and Frank came in, and, after asking for Kate’s permission to do so, sat down on Kate’s bed. “Why are you still awake?”, he asked, blowing a strand of hair out of his face.

“I could ask you the same thing”, Kate grinned, closing the document. “You know, every time you want to talk to me, you ask me a question first. You should really work on that.”

Frank laughed. “You noticed that? Ever thought of studying Psychology?”

Kate laughed as well but shook her head. “No, not really. I’m more focused on graduating from high school right now.”

“How’d the exam go?”, Frank asked honestly interested and Kate shrugged.

“I don’t know. Not horrible, I guess. We’ll see.”

If she was completely honest, her brain had been in a trance like state the whole time during the exam. She didn’t remember a single question, only remembered answering every single one of them while swiftly typing calculations into her calculator.

“I’m sure you did great”, Frank said and even in the dim light spreading from Kate’s desk lamp she noticed him grinning.

"You're so happy, did you smoke? Because if so, I want something, too”, she joked.

Frank laughed out loud, before clapping a hand over his mouth to silence himself.

It reminded Kate of the one time, where the new Nintendo had just been released and they had sat together in Frank’s room, excitedly switching between playing all their new games. They would always laugh at each other, when they failed a level. Frank had laughed the exact same way then.

“No, I didn’t for a change”, he joked. “But seriously, I’m just proud of you.”

Now Kate nearly laughed out loud. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I’m sure you did well on the exam", Frank smiled. "And especially after all the drama here, it must’ve been hard to study.”

Kate shrugged it off. “You learn to accept it.”

“Apropos accepting stuff… Are you ok with the thing with Chess…? You used to hang out a lot, didn’t you?” Frank placed his hands on the bed, nervously kneading the blanket.”

Kate sighed. “You learn to accept it”, she repeated. “We were super close, we were best friends, but… you know. We can’t be anymore now, so I just have to deal with it.” She hesitated a moment, but then smiled a little. “Thanks for asking though.”

“Sure.”

“So, why did you want to talk to me in the first place?”

Frank scratched the back of his neck. “You really didn’t think of studying Psychology?”

Kate rolled her eyes. “Now come out with it, did you rob a bank or something?”

“You know that I’m straight, I don’t have to come out to you”, Frank grinned, but lifted his hands in defense, before Kate could pick up a book and throw it. “Okay, good. I’m only staying here because I graduated early, remember?”

Kate nodded. “Yeah, I’m familiar with that”, she said sarcastically. “Did you lie about it and are actually just skipping college?”

Now Frank nearly threw something. “No. I really graduated early. I just… might have problems finding a job…”

Kate let go of a breath. “And I thought it was something serious. You’re going to find a job Frank, don’t worry about that.”

“But what if I don’t?”, Frank asked. “I don’t want to end up like our old man.”

Kate raised an eyebrow. “Dad?”

Frank nodded. “He never found a job. And then he started drinking and then, when he got a job, he always showed up drunk. I don’t want to end up like him.”

Kate nodded. “Yeah, I’d be concerned if you did”, she murmured, but shrugged it off, when Frank looked at her, raising an eyebrow. “But, in all honesty, Frank. Think about it: Do you drink?”

Frank shrugged. “Only sometimes at parties.”

“Are you intelligent?”

“Well, I sure hope so. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to understand, how I graduated.”

“There you go”, Kate said easily. “You’re all the things dad isn’t.”

There were a few moments of silence before Frank spoke again. “You seriously didn’t think of studying Psychology yet?”

Kate rolled her eyes, laughing a little. “No, I didn’t. Now go and continue finding yourself a job. I have to finish this.”

Frank nodded and stood up. “Yeah, you’re right.” He left the room, but before he closed the door, he went back in briefly. “Hey Kate?”

“Hm?”

“Thanks. Pretty cool that we haven’t talked to each other in so long but are talking now.”

Kate could hear him grinning and instead of telling him, that _he_ had been the one who had never called her she simply turned around and grinned.

“Sure.”

With that she turned back around and decided to write just a few more sentences.

Kate fell asleep at her desk that night.

After that, she didn’t look at the document for weeks. But that was exactly what she needed. Because she knew, that she didn’t have to look at it, for everything to be fine.

* * *

Weeks later, Eva’s hand slipped into Kate’s as soon as she was at her side. She smiled at her and they went into the ice cream parlor, sitting down at a free table.

Eva looked around. “This place has changed”, she stated.

Kate raised an eyebrow. “It did?”

“Yeah”, Eva nodded. “When dad and I were here the last time, the chairs were blue and there was a green stripe painted onto the walls with the different flavors of ice cream written into it.”

“No offense, but that sounds like it looked pretty gross”, Kate murmured, taking a menu and flipping through its pages.

“It was”, Eva laughed. “But when we didn’t find any berries in the forest, we would go here and have vanilla ice cream with berries.” She took a menu as well and reached for Kate’s hand, while reveling in the memories of the time she had spent with her father.

She had always taken the menu and pretended to be struggling over what to eat, even though she always knew, that she would get vanilla ice cream. Sometimes she would even get more berries than she usually did.

When she had been younger, this had been a miracle to her.

“Did you go here often?”, Kate asked, and Eva noticed her voice as well as her eyes softening.

She shrugged. “Whenever dad and I decided to gather berries but didn’t find any or changed our opinion on the way to the forest and made a last-minute turn and landed here.”

Kate laughed a little.

“One day, Dad even decided to just take me here, because I was sick”, Eva continued, Kate’s hand in hers making her feel grounded. “I can’t quite remember, I think I was running a fever and didn’t go to kindergarten that day. He took me here, because he thought, that it would make me feel better.”

“Well did it?”, Kate smiled, closing the menu. Eva felt her thumb wandering over the back of her hand.

She chuckled. “Yeah, it did. But mom was so angry. She told him, that he couldn’t just go out with me for ice cream, when I was sick and that I had to rest. And I was standing next to them and eating the ice cream dad took home with him.”

Eva didn’t even realize the tear rolling down her cheek, until Kate cupped her cheek and wiped it away.

She smiled at her. “It didn’t even take ten minutes for them to stop arguing. And then mom ate the ice cream with us. I was sick for the next few days but that was so worth it.” She looked at Kate and smiled at her girlfriend’s face.

“That kind of sounds like your father, yeah”, Kate chuckled. “At least he sounds like the kind of person who’d do that.”

“Oh, he definitely is”, Eva grinned, closing her own menu now and Kate pressed a few kisses to her knuckles. Eva blushed furiously and smiled again. “Thanks for taking me here. It feels good to be back after so long.”

“Of course”, Kate said. “How couldn’t I? And now tell me what kind of ice cream you want so I can be a good girlfriend and get you the biggest cup.”

“Ever since you aced that math exam, you’re even nicer than you usually are, did you notice that?”

Kate blushed a little but shook her head.

“Well I did”, Eva stated. “I’m proud of you.” She kissed Kate’s knuckles.

“Tell me what ice cream you want”, Kate repeated, looking down to hide how red her cheeks had turned. Eva still noticed.

She blushed again but thanked Kate. “Vanilla ice cream with berries please”, she smiled. “You’re the best.”

“No, you are”, Kate retorted grinning, before letting go of Eva’s hand and walking to the counter to order their ice cream.

Eva let her gaze wander again. The walls were painted white now, with a few big ice cream cones and various scoops of ice cream painted onto them and the chairs had a dark brown color. It felt so different and yet so familiar to her childhood.

Only, that today she was here with her girlfriend and not her father.

But somehow it was ok, because it was Kate. Because Kate was the most wonderful thing to ever happen to her.

Kate had started working as well. Every week she spent two afternoons working at a coffee shop, even though she hated it and then not so subtly gave Eva half, sometimes even more, of her tip.

Eva still didn’t understand how she deserved to have a girlfriend as amazing as her.

She scrolled down various social medias, until she saw Kate returning with two big cups of ice cream and stood up to help her. She met her halfway through and took one of the cups from her, feeling Kate kissing her cheek softly in return to thank her.

“Thank you”, Eva murmured, when they sat down and only looked up, when Kate took her hand again and kissed her knuckles softly.

“Always. And now enjoy your berries.”

Eva laughed at that and kissed Kate’s hand quickly in return to hide her blush, before taking a spoon.

“Is that lemon?”, she asked Kate and she nodded.

“Yeah. Would you like some?”

Kate already lifted the spoon, so Eva didn’t deny and tasted the ice cream, grinning, when Kate turned a bright shade of red, because she had accidently missed Eva’s mouth.

“It’s ok”, she told her, before she could apologize and took a napkin. “The ice cream’s good, though.”

Kate nodded. “I’m really glad you told me about this place. It’s definitely better than being home and having to listen to Frank wailing all the time.”

“Is he still trying to get a job?”

“Yeah. At least he’s finally got an interview tomorrow, but you bet that now he runs around the house all nervous, checking, if he looks presentable enough.”

Kate rolled her eyes, but Eva laughed. “At least he’s coming around.”

Kate smiled. “Yeah, he is.”

They both smiled and fell into silence. But before Eva could finally enjoy her ice cream, her phone vibrated in her pocket.

When she saw the message on the screen, she knew, that from this moment on, this place would be even more than just the place she had always gone to with her dad and had now finally gone on a date to with Kate.

A smile she couldn’t contain spread on her lips and she showed the message to Kate, before she could even ask for it. Kate’s eyes grew wide and they stood up at the same time. Eva hugged Kate, smiling, like she had never done before.

It was going to be ok.

* * *

Two weeks later, Kate was reading over the document again and took a deep breath.

“I promised not to dream of you. Be proud of me, I only did it two times." She smiled a little, entered Chess’ email address and added the document.

“Happy Birthday”, she murmured. “I miss you. So, here. Have this.”

She hit Send and opened the Skype application.

“You might want to check your inbox, I sent you something”, she texted Chess. She hesitated a moment, before adding more messages.

“You were right.”

“Maybe not completely, but sometimes, it’s really like you’re not even gone.”

“Bye for now.”

“I guess we won’t talk in a pretty long time.”

“So, see you in my dreams.”

“Still miss you.”

Kate closed every application and turned her laptop off. She shot Eva a quick text and checked once more, that her clothes, including Chess’ hoodie, fit. She left, waving Frank goodbye, who was getting ready for yet another job interview.

Outside her house Eva was already waiting and she hugged her.

“Ready?”

Eva smiled. “Absolutely.”

They went to Kate’s car and Eva sat down behind the wheel. Kate smiled at her reassuringly and, as she had done ever since the last week, gave her instructions, to drive.

To Eva’s house.

She would finally get to know Eva’s father properly.

Eva glanced at Kate and smiled a little. “Everything ok?”

Kate nodded. “Yeah”, she smiled and looked at her.

"Everything ok", they said at the same time. 

* * *

_Hey!_

_ This is weird but I’m going to do it anyways. You mean a fucking-shit-ton-whole-lot to me, just so you know. So, let’s get this started._

_Since it’s your birthday it only seems logical to do this now. Look at the following picture and _ _guess how old we were._

_So? Yeah, I don’t know either, but we were fucking small. In conclusion: We have known each other ever since we’re able to think (or at least as long as I can think back). And now the time has passed so freaking fast and you’re turning eighteen._

_Ok… Hi, it’s me again. I haven’t continued this for… I don’t even know how long. But hi, it’s Kate again. _ _I know, that you’re not here anymore, but it still felt appropriate to finish this._

_So, here it goes._

_You know, I originally planned to stuff this thing with the story of how we met and our complications but how we always got over them and that shit, but… that doesn’t seem appropriate anymore._

_I just want you to know a few things._

_Like for example that I saved this thing in a folder. Yes, folder! Remember? You were so pissed off, because I didn’t use folders to organize my laptop and even though sometimes, you’re just as chaotic as I am, folders were apparently where you drew the line._

_So, you organized everything into folders._

_I still haven’t deleted them. Actually, they really are practical. So… thanks for that!_

_And also: Thanks, that you were always there for me. Like, you know… always. I needed your help and you were there. When we met for the first time, for example, where I had just fallen off the monkey bars and you immediately helped me, even though you didn’t even know me. Or when I got sick at school and you looked after me. Or you helped me, when Frank just never called, and I was so sad about it._

_It didn’t matter, what kind of problem, you just helped me._

_Thank you._

_And I know, that I’m not the only one with problems, of course not! _ _I’m still sorry, that I didn’t immediately realize, when you weren’t doing well. And I’m still so incredibly sorry, that I shouted at you that night and that we fought. I should’ve helped you._

_I didn’t mean to sound so snarky all the time, I really didn’t. _ _And I didn’t mean to complain all the time about all different kinds of shit._

_And I’m sorry for that. So incredibly sorry._

_But I can’t change that now._

_You probably know, how many weeks it took me to write this. I don’t even know why it took so long. Since this is so short, I should’ve been able to write it within ten minutes. _ _But I wanted every word to be perfect._

_So, I hope I managed that._

_In conclusion: I miss you. I miss you so, so much, I can’t even express how much I miss you. And I’m so thankful for literally everything. So, so thankful._

_Happy Birthday again, Chess. You’ll always be my best friend._

_And you know what? You were right._

_Maybe not in the way we expected it to happen, but… we’re gonna be fine._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok,,, I don't wanna say that I'm emotional or some shit but like,,, I am?? I- This fic was just a small idea and people actually liked it!! Like, you guys are SO incrdibly amazing, every single one of you! Thank you SO, SO much for sticking with me and the kudos and the comments and everything and just AAAH! 
> 
> So, yeah, I'll hopefully read you in my next fic and thank you again! Y'all are amazing!


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